Here i am

I think if anyone is to get an Oscar for repelling friends, i would get it. LOL.... i didn't get a single Christmas text at all. What the hell!! Hmmm..... here i am again spending my time at home and didn't go out. Well, as long as i don't feel bad. It's okay actually. hahhhaa....... Merry Christmas everyone. :) Here i need to wish some people. To my greatest love...... Bumble Bee, Abba and Jay Brannan. I actually got a reply of e-mail from Jay Brannan!!!!!! How cool is that!!!! It really feels great and ironic hahahah....... :) ............... I know I'm day dreaming. Of all he's doing but still he thinks that he is lonely. I am angry when he does that but still, Can't say not . Cause people do feel like that when they felt alone somehow. Like what I'll do. I look for the slightest light available in the dark. Imagine and dream. It somehow helps you through. It's really stupid and brainless to say that i actually like Jay. Like i say..... I DREAM. :)
Sincerely i would wish i could always be around him as a friend at least. I can see my self lingering around him and being totally ignored. Maybe taking his tantrum once in a while always get scolded for doing stupid stuffs... but still I'm thinking of what should i cook later on. Or where should i take him to eat or even what food would make him happy. Then what should i do for tomorrow morning. Have i ironed his top for tomorrow's show? Did i wash his socks? Is his jeans still wearable. I think i should start going through his pockets for rubbish as he always chuck stuff in it and don't take out. I sound like a casalinga.. lol... well these are things one should share doing. Can't be only him doing it. Oh no i haven't wrap his Christmas present...But as usual I'm glad I'm around to make sure nothing tragic happens. Hahah.... it sounded like I'm more than a friend. but well, these are the things i enjoy doing. it's the sweetest stuff and when you see him smiles you'll know it's worth it...........

Tear

I feel like tearing myself up. Tearing my skin and scream as loud as i could and dive into the fire. I feel that i'm beginning to break down. How long should or am i bound to bare with this survival? It's enough already. Well, this is life. Everyone has thier own problem. Not only me who is suffering. I know. I really know that. But enduring it within a good environment and enduring it in a bad environment, makes a different. How much can a amn take? How much should he take? I know it'll never end. Let me settle one prob first okay? I can take severe obstacles. Quantitty outwitted me. When i say i want to cry. I feel corny. Nor i could cry in public or at work place can't i?... now these i learnt to cry within. I guess only people who experienced crying within only could know how pain is it doing so. I don't want to be moody. I don't want to be sad. I'm in pain.pain. So pain. Very pain.It's at times like that i need you Aba. I hope there's a soul that i could talk to.

TWO

Two guys in my life that gives me the most impact. I miss them dearly. One is Aba (not his real name). A writer who works from home. We've never met. We chatted over the net for some time. It started two years ago. He's an euration. I've only seen his picture. Well looking. We then proceed in chatting through text messages. I love texting him. He always manage to make me feel good. Somehow he sounded very mature. Makes me felt very stable. Though i know it's fantasy. Through out the first year. We've never spoken of sex nor meeting up. It's actually the first time i ever speak to another gay and didn't start with sex in my mind. He's always kinda flirtatious. But funny deep down inside i know we'll never be together. He's always very lazy too. Always wake up late but make sure his job is done. A very charming guy cause he always make sure to buy gifts for his parents. Or treats them out for dinner from time to time. Aba, is the only guy that actually made me felt love. I know it's nut case. It's only texting. I'm clear that this is virtual. Ironically, we understands it's okay and we understands we won't go overboard loving each other ga-ga-ly. It's mutual.   We complaint and story each other bout the guys we've met and our scandals. The sex scenes. Ha ha....... Well it all ended. One fine day, he stopped texting. After a month i found out that everything and every profile regarding him are deleted. I'm not angry. Cause it's not his duty. I just missed him dearly and begin to worried Shit. I pray that he is doing great and healthy. Fingers crossed. Nothing severed happen. I do still text him every now and then. At least i know There's one person that is wishing him well.