I Told Myself

It's more to... i warn myself before. I was about to touch on this topic of straight guys, and i realize this blogger called Klex ( http://parkinreverse.blogspot.com/ ) too had the same problems. Kind of i guess. I specifically warned myself before that i should never ever to fall in love with a straight guy. Or have any heavy or hardcore feeling for them. Well except celebrities. ( I love you Eric Belanger ) Lol...a shout out!! hahaha.....
Okay back to the subject. I have came to learn that Loving a straight guy is a very painful experience. It hurts enormously. You will always be in agony cause you would spend your time thinking what is he thinking. His every moves suddenly becomes a puzzle for you to decode. It will become a full time job, trust me.  Why he looks at me this way? why he gave me the candy and not to the other guy? OMG is he hitting on me?  Oh! is he angry at what i just did? and it never ends. 
The biggest mistakes that i have ever done is to express my feelings to all the straight guys that i have loved before. I didn't even say that i want to be together. It's okay to let them know you are gay but never let them know you are into them, Well, i am not judging all straight guys. In my cases all the straights are still my CLOSE friend until they get the hint that i like them. Well besides they are like the sun. You can admire and need them but you really cannot touch them.
It takes much courage and great strength for one to love a straight guy....
Then again...one will always never listens . Here again i am in love with two straight guys. ish.... maybe one in love and the other just excited. In love maybe not the word ,...it's highly interested or whatever it is. The guessing moments are there. 

Tear

I feel like tearing myself up. Tearing my skin and scream as loud as i could and dive into the fire. I feel that i'm beginning to break down. How long should or am i bound to bare with this survival? It's enough already. Well, this is life. Everyone has thier own problem. Not only me who is suffering. I know. I really know that. But enduring it within a good environment and enduring it in a bad environment, makes a different. How much can a amn take? How much should he take? I know it'll never end. Let me settle one prob first okay? I can take severe obstacles. Quantitty outwitted me. When i say i want to cry. I feel corny. Nor i could cry in public or at work place can't i?... now these i learnt to cry within. I guess only people who experienced crying within only could know how pain is it doing so. I don't want to be moody. I don't want to be sad. I'm in pain.pain. So pain. Very pain.It's at times like that i need you Aba. I hope there's a soul that i could talk to.