Really? What would this be?

Here i am wooing a straight guy hoping that miracles do happens. Then there another straight guy is wooing me. Then an accident happened. Well more like a transaction for an unofficial sex partner.

In the mids of wooing this precious 7E...i do still distribute fliers out there...hoping to get attention from my own species. A more realistic conquest and logically makes more sense. Then a straight guy responded to my fliers. Hahhaha... yay!! lucky me. Then it turns out that this straight guy fits almost all my criteria of my prince charming. Nothing comes conveniently. Already demanding me to buy stuff for him. Actually buying stuff is not a problem but you wanna "make" me buy it for you after the 3rd time meeting? Hmmm.... 

Then there is this unofficial sex partner. Total opposite of what i would like my life partner to be. Hang out together quite a lot and grew to dislike him as a person. I think he has an ugly soul. But as a friend he is okay. Sexed a few times due to "helping" each other out. That is like  years ago. Never had sex after that and i always avoid it cause i think that his soul is disgustingly ugly. He wanted to see a picture of my friends dick. I don't wanna show cause he actually met the owner of that dick before. I refuse. He sort of begged me and couldn't get off that subject. We were in the car beside a playground at that time. At Night. So i know he didn't had sex for a long time already. So to change the subject, i grab his bulge in a playful way and sort of like scratch it. What else? He got hard and wanted a bj. So it's a deal.

 After that i left my ring in his car, and he left his ring in my room. The next day..when i text him for my ring....when i press send...at the same second...his text came in. Asking for his ring. Then he text again saying that this is like a curse. It's like we exchange lovey dovey ring.  I replied..."Just shut the fuck up and return me my ring!!" ahahah...so mean of me but i don't wanna thought about it and jinx it. Owh...no...no..no... 

It's almost comical how things happens sometimes. 

Coming Out

Kakaka...that was a joke.
Anyway this reminded me of one of my friend's coming out story.
My friend was at the verge of breaking up with the love of his life. He went nuts for days and everything he does is just plain. a major impact and an obvious change in him. Tragedy. Then one day the break up went official. He felt weak He sat in his room, on his bed stunned. He did not cry. It was like a blow on his face. Too pain to cry. Out of nowhere his mom comes in and sat beside him. Nothing was said and he didn't even acknowledge his mom. (He never comes out to his mom before. All she knows is that he is in a relationship.)  He wants to complaint about his pain to his mom but he just doesn't know how to do it. His mom's presence actually makes him felt even heavier. Then suddenly he felt a continues soft pat on his shoulder. His mom hug him quietly. Then she broke the silence. " Son, there are still many cute guys out there. Don't worry." Then she tighten her hug. OMG!!! That!!!  was like a magic spell. His tears came out like waves.  Sweet. 

Approach

Was reading the blog that little Tuls was introducing. The first post touches a little on approaching guys. Well...it reminded me on my very first approach. I basically only ever approach once. Well not included the ones when i am drunk. Those cannot be included cause i am a seductive slut when i am drunk. Che Wahh!! Lol.... hmm... no really.i am like another person when i am  wasted. That slut will never appear again , cause i have stop drinking due to my eyes condition.
Anyway about the one and only approach..took me a month to gain the courage to do it. My plan was to give him a gift and leave my number in the bag. So i did practice what i would say to him. I was gonna introduce myself and then tell him that my number is in the bag, hope to receive his text. (that way i alleviate the awkward moment of asking his number)
So on the big day...as usual i pray to see him appear at the LRT. Kinda waited when he arrives then only i get into the LRT. My Que was to approach him when he goes out at his stop. So when he walks out i went out too. Pat his shoulder and shove him the gift in a bag. Was too nervous...suppose to say "Hi" first but i didn't and i shove the bag instead of smile and slow motion passing him the bag..with some little soft chill breeze. Failed!!1but i did get to convey whatever i wanted to convey. Just not that elegant as planned. Hahah...Owh guess what gift that i bought for him??? It's two cup noodles. Kakaaakakaka... but i really meant to give him that ...cause somehow i feels that he is lonely and living alone far away from pals and family. So a warm cup of noodles would actually warms everything up. 

A Friend

I begin my secondary years in a strangers land. Port Dickson. I shall say that is my ever favorite times of my schooling years. It lasted only 8 months though. Then i started my second half of my Form 1  in a strangers land. Triang, Pahang. A mandarin speaking land that when you speak English...you became an instant super star.  I have problem communicating as i don't really speak mandarin. Of course it's different now. I guess..   .Never been there for 13 years at least. In everybody's life there must be one hero at least. In mine there's two. :) One is really my hero and the other is the one i admire.

As i recall....This hero of mine is the first guy that i have spoken to om my first day at school. Then we didn't became best friend but friend. At that time..everyone in my class is one year older than me. So in a way he became protective. Not romance but it's like this.......... He is like the head of the bad boys in school. So no best friend pat on the back.or hugs and so on but instead its the mess hair brushing on the head and he will always appear in front of me whenever i got bullied at school. You know i only realize that i am gay when i am in Form 4. So i have no clue at all about bromance At that time all i know, i have great respect for him and am grateful to him even  though he always mix with the junkies. I remember that i like to smile at his girlfriend. Though she is from the back junkie class but she has very cool attitudes. Well it's always the bravest would be with the bravest. She never hesitates to fight if the situation demands. She is also very pretty. Very modelesque.

Form 2 started and i was one of the prefect in school. This time i don't know, how come he is the one who got to sits beside me in class.. :)  Between him and i.  I am better with home works and studies. So i always unconsciously guides him to study. Imagine teaching a triad head? well sort off.. ahahah... When ever i was assigned to watch over areas like behind the toilets or at any quiet areas..i would always get disturbed by this other hyenas. Fact...apparently all these hyenas hates school prefects and they calls prefect the school dogs. Well i think it should be diamond dogs. ahahaha. Well anyway whenever such things happen my hero will always turn up. He would stand in front of me and dares those junkie to fight and then hush them away. Then after a few months into Form 2, my Hero passed away due to a bike accident.

As i recall it's a weekend. I remembered crying but i can't remember how much i cried. I remembered hating my mom for not allowing me to attend his funeral. I can't remember much of that day in detail though.  He must have been quite an impact in my life that i have to tell myself to wipe off this part of my memory of him in my life. I have not much memory on that day  at all. After that incident my studies drop from good to bad through out my secondary years.

But then this i can remember very clearly. A few weeks after that... during recess i was assigned to watch this area at the back of the school and these hyenas who always failed to bully me  actually came back. It was quite a bad feeling at that time. I am quite scared and at the same time sad. All i can do is just act ignorant to their threats. Well when you are not reacting it makes the hyena's anger grew... so they begin to speak louder and one of them begin to catch both of my arm and shake my body. So i was trying to push him off but as i am about to react  i  heard a girls voice. It was my hero's girlfriend. I know it sounds kinda funny in a way but she actually helped me out. Continuing what her boyfriend used to do. I remember that was the day i regained my smile. After that even his brothers continue looking out for me.

Friend

OMG...my friend couldn't stop asking me about him. Orrghhh.... She wants the picture and every detail. How can someone be so persistent? I stop Texting her the whole day and her text couldn't stop appearing and whats worst, she is so excited about it till every text is only like two to three words and it takes like five text to make up one sentence. Hahaahh...... I'm very flattered that she takes so much interest in my grey episode but i have decided to talk less about him. Why? Cause i notice that i am unconsciously building my feelings for him as i speak of him. Well the sweet flashbacks and all. I don't want to be someone who rushed into something as i think everyone knows how this "little fresh sweet moments" could lead to. It makes you smile non stop like crazy, and makes us missed that not yet happen guy so much!! I have to be calm....Calm...............calm..calm...calm..  ..........calm...............calm.....

What Do You Want?

It's heartbreak. You are crushed and You almost wanna vomit out of the blue. You feel like the world are organically cruel. You wanna cry but your tears are just not coming out. You feel that this is a wound that may never heal. Then your closest friend is the one you turn to. You sit down. Your face is almost like a melting plastic plate. Your friend prepares to synchronize with your awfully mellow  mood. In the silence...you start to tell your story. With another presence besides you, you may feel it's easier to cry. As a friend of course when we hears a friend is in need. We be there to hold your hand. When there is a problem we share our point of view. Even suggest solutions and encouragements in hope to make you feel better.

So what do you mean when you pour your damaged love story to a friend and ends the session with "you are not me so you will never understands the "love" in this relationship"

Hmmm...then why even bother to TELL in the first place? People understands your love when it's a problem but we suddenly don't anymore when it comes to the solutions part?

Ps: this "Break-up" happened two years ago and that phenomenon above is two days ago. 

Reporting for 1st 01 2012

It turns out that everyone i know in KLCC is not working on new years eve. Hmm... what a coincidence. My new years eve dinner became a house warming party and then a surprise visit to Market Place. Everything is not planned at all. I am not complaining but just it's a bit surprising. Thank god i am well prepared for it. LOL..... It was a blast....well...a pleasant blast at the club. I was introduced to some guys at the club and i kinda fell in love for 10 minutes. Because he is wearing braces and he has a great smile. I think guys with braces are damm damm sexy. Most of my time there are quite nice because of his jokes and all. Market place should really look into their air conditioning making everyone sweat is not very flattering. and also their DJ is not very entertaining. Quite disappointing there. Then everyone starts to leave and there is this last stare between the braces guy and me, and then goodbye. I did not take his number!!! Till now i am still finding reasons, to make the fact that i did not take his number, is okay. Hahhah... well, may the cupid be on my side. ..... 

Tell me what do you think if your best friend is flirting in a slutty way with his best friend's BF? 

It's Nerve Wrecking

Lol..."maybe". I am Going to KLCC tomorrow to have dinner and watch the fireworks after that. I know 1.5 years is a very long time for the retail world and many could have change. Still i have the freaks to go back there, besides i know some of my friends are still working there. I always tried to avoid going there cause of my physical changes due to my medications. This time i just kinda don't give a shit but as the days are nearer, i grew weaker. Hahhaah....  Not that i hope i don't see my friends again but i hope i am visually pleasant to look at. :) It felt kinda nude...in a way!!! What are you guys doing? Eh? Tom morrow is new year eve right? 

I Need A Stranger.

Hahah... i actually ended up not really relating the content with the title. LOL...... well actually what i meant to say is that, with me getting so angry all the time really makes me really tired. Again i also feel bloody childish about these petty stuff, but if you think about it. Because it's childish, the more an adult shouldn't be practicing it. Well...humans are bloody creative. They can create problems even when they are not doing anything. Well as i am all worked up and tired. I think it was last week. There is this one day i was alone at home. I couldn't sleep at around 3a.m. Bored i decided to walk out to 7E at Taipan. Not the one nearer to me but it's actually the further one. I always wanted to walk. Walk alone. To feel the peace and quiet. That is the perfect time. So i did it. I walk to 7E and bought a pack of ciggy and a can of drink. Then when i walked out of 7E. Spontaneously i sat on the stairs in front of 7E to take a puff. I then kinda went into some deep thoughts without realizing one of their staff is outside cleaning the glass window. Then suddenly i heard, " Can't sleep sir?"  I looked back and smiled. We chatted for around half an hour. Amazingly the conversation covers many areas. Sometimes you would never know what a stranger could do to you. This stranger actually helped to calm me down and a stranger can't really judge you cause they don't know you. They just could judge right or wrong no bias. Besides this stranger didn't even try to solve my probs but just listens. All he does was listen. Then suddenly i realized how much i have longed for such conversations to take place. I wept. I actually wept because i never felt so at ease in a very long time. Of course i didn't cry in front of him la. While i was walking back. 

Something Ridiculous but Matters.

I think i'm a bit sad. Sad because i have been hibernating much at home and didn't go out. So today i went to 7E and saw the Nepal guy that i gaga over. Sameer is his name. I was in a bit shock too. The first time i went in to get ciggy, he wasn't around. Then i had a drink with my friend and my ciggy finish as my friend smokes my ciggy too. So when i went in the second time i was approx 10 feet away and i saw Sameer waved. With my eyes condition, i couldn't see the rest of him even his hands are blurry to me. I totally cannot see his face too. So to prevent him from making more gesture i just said i couldn't see him as i was approaching near him. Then he showed me the worried look, and ask is if  it's because of my surgery. Well he thought i already had my surgery and it didn't work out well. Then i lol and say no. Then i can see that he took a deep breath and stared at me a while. A moment of silence.Well i think he did but not sure cause even standing one feet apart i wouldn't be able to see his eyes. Then i break the silence by asking for ciggy. Then he raised his voice a bit and ask " i thought you just bought a pack just now right?"  "I saw through the CCTV earlier" Again the silent moment, and he didn't take the ciggy. I just smiled and say yeah i was sharing with my friend, that's why it finished so fast. (well actually not finish yet la. Just wanna see him a bit actually) then he sigh... and  reached for the ciggy. After that....well...i actually bought a pack of cookie for him from Ikea last month. I've kept in my bag since, Never had the chance to give him and yeah luckily he is around today. We chat a bit after that and i left. Apparently he is a good cook.
I was totally neutral when i went in. His actions shows that he worries made me felt nice. Warm.. These guys are super innocent. I know he is worried as a friend. I am also well understands that he is straight and hey "don't dream" and don't create impossible possibilities. Well it's really that innocent, that i thought to myself that i really appreciate his worries to me as a friend and it's such a loss that we could never be an item. Felt a bit pain, don't you think? Besides it's been quite long already that a friend shows me such care. So felt a bit touched. ahahahh..... well actually you guys here kinda did showed me more care than the physical friends i have. Well i am thankful to Sameer and love you guys!! 

I Told Myself

It's more to... i warn myself before. I was about to touch on this topic of straight guys, and i realize this blogger called Klex ( http://parkinreverse.blogspot.com/ ) too had the same problems. Kind of i guess. I specifically warned myself before that i should never ever to fall in love with a straight guy. Or have any heavy or hardcore feeling for them. Well except celebrities. ( I love you Eric Belanger ) Lol...a shout out!! hahaha.....
Okay back to the subject. I have came to learn that Loving a straight guy is a very painful experience. It hurts enormously. You will always be in agony cause you would spend your time thinking what is he thinking. His every moves suddenly becomes a puzzle for you to decode. It will become a full time job, trust me.  Why he looks at me this way? why he gave me the candy and not to the other guy? OMG is he hitting on me?  Oh! is he angry at what i just did? and it never ends. 
The biggest mistakes that i have ever done is to express my feelings to all the straight guys that i have loved before. I didn't even say that i want to be together. It's okay to let them know you are gay but never let them know you are into them, Well, i am not judging all straight guys. In my cases all the straights are still my CLOSE friend until they get the hint that i like them. Well besides they are like the sun. You can admire and need them but you really cannot touch them.
It takes much courage and great strength for one to love a straight guy....
Then again...one will always never listens . Here again i am in love with two straight guys. ish.... maybe one in love and the other just excited. In love maybe not the word ,...it's highly interested or whatever it is. The guessing moments are there. 

Such A Dick.

Probably you are bored of this but my friend is such a dick. Really a dick!! Super Duper dick and i think he also has a permanent stick stuck up in his ass hole. Such an egoistic chauvinist pig!!!! I think i'll start to listen to you guys to spend lesser time with him. Seriously...i think before this friendship becomes hate. I shall avoid it. 

I... ik...i...i.....ik....

What did i just did??? My friend that i have been blogging about. We knew each other for nearly ten years.We always chat like girlfriends. Yeah we had sex once or twice. That was years ago. We explore the porns together. We talk almost about everything. He even could undress around me or even wears only his underwear when we hangs out together in his room. He shows me his nude pictures too.

Then just now we went out for dinner. When we we are in his car i saw his bulge. (Not intentionally) not huge but he was wearing his work pants so it was kinda showing. Out of a sudden i thought, how would it feels like if i grab it. Boldly i did. He reacted like i was gonna rape him. I was super shock with his big reaction.I really thought he wouldn't mind. I for sure wouldn't, don't think i'll have a hard on too if he does. Leave that aside i seriously thinks that he wouldn't mind since he was so open all these while.Then came the awkward moment. It was seriously an honest mistake, Now i feel damm ugly. Ishh....

I then text to him apologizing and explain. He replied. "You quit smoking i will let you touch"  now i feel stupid for explaining. Did i use language from Mars? 

Really????

He wants to watch Alien vs Cowboy. He parked at some housing area opposite Sunway Pyramid. (Doesn't want to pay parking fee). Dark, without streetlight he walked in front of me without guiding me. Not trying to be a baby, but with my eyes condition i cannot see anything on the road. It's really dangerous for me. (some more he say i'm insensitive for saying he is not gentlemen) We walked up the overhead bridge, to cross the highway. Then went up three floors to the cinema. Then he refused to watch the movie because it's priced at RM14. After nearly a KM walk he decided not to watch because it's expensive?? I am totally speechless. I instantly smirked and gave the cashier a "Please ask the cowboy to save me look" He just smiled nervously. Cute. Then i say i felt like going to "Kim Gary" It's been a while since i have been there. Besides i have a friend who is working there.  He wanted  to eat at "Ming Tien" this Chinese stall court nearby. So i just suggested, why not we just walk pass that restaurant and see if there are seats available. If not then we just head to the other place. He answered okay then he went and choose a route that didn't pass by the restaurant then when we reached his wanted destination he turn and  say " oh? we didn't pass by  Kim Gary wor?" I have no other reaction but to smile and say it's fine. In fact i am actually really smiling and felt funny cause He and I knows the route at Sunway Pyramid like eating peanuts. Me not coming out for a year doesn't mean i forget everything. So i'm thinking no big deal, finish eating we could just have a drink at Kim Gary. Then that's what he suggested too. After eating we actually walked pass Kim Gary. I walked towards the entrance and then he pulled  my hand and say we are not going in. I have a show to catch on tv. After that around 2 am we went out for drinks near my place. He ate and drink. Me just drink. The bill was Rm12. I intended to treat my friend because after all he took me out  today.  When i found my wallet i ask again how much was it? My friend answered.."Oh you just pay Rm10 can already"  Again i smiled and speechless!!!                                                                       These are not very pleasant attitude to treat anyone. He is my best friend. It's never about the money. I don't know how to tell him.  He is not a bad person, and he is not a poor guy in fact he is quite rich.  Hard self earn money and not rich by family. Well educated, very presentable. I think he is becoming a very typical successful materialistic self obsessed white collar guy. Total misery. I'm worried actually. 

It's Not Easy.

It's not easy being the only sane one around. Or i am just being self centered? It's not easy to have a highly opinionated friend. Or i'm just not that smart? How would you react if the friend who you always hang out with are constantly debating on whatever you say? It's so severe till i have stop telling him my problems. It's so severe that i only speaks of "rubbish" to him but still he has a point to go against what i said. Is that really necessary? Then again i still hangs out with him, because i believe everyone has their own rights and opinion. Seriously? Everything i said? Hmmm.... it's like he hates me.  But he likes to call me out. I'm a bit speechless. Anyway if these goes on, i may have to tell him it's beginning to bug me. I nearly ended this friendship the other day. I was boiling and nearly burst right there. Luckily i managed to control my self. 

I Felt It.

Accidentally watched a series. A Korean series that i believe it is at least a five year old production. I stopped and watched because the male actor in there has a very strong resemblance of this real life guy that i always saw during event parties at my work last time. Bumped into him a few times in the train but never initiates any interactions. He is the kind of guy where looks bloody handsome, have great sense of fashion but fucking humble and shy. He never looks at me. I know he does know my existence. Was talking to his friend once in a party. They were talking to each other, i went over to say hi but wasn't introduced. Really. It's at times like that you would ponder and ask yourself "why" and "what if" :(

Anyway the very and only episode i watched has to be a sad episode. The guy loved another girl and break ups with his current girlfriend. When the current has no choice but to leave him but at the same time she couldn't. It's like dooms  day you know. That particular feeling that suffocates your heart. That pain. I hate that feeling. I know i felt it before somewhere but i couldn't remember when. Is that normal?  LOL...

Bold Move

I had sex with this guy 12 years ago. After that we didn't talk much and eventually we don't talk at all. He then further his studies and me started working and all. Few months back i saw his FaceBook in my friends FaceBook and i check it out. He is living in US now and he is married with two daughter. I had consider very long should i add him or not. Well of course you know many stuff happens in between during those years that's why we started not talking. It's not the sex. Yesterday i requested to add him. Hmmm..... he did approved. So i just text him a "Hello" text. Hmm... hopefully it would be a casual text back. It's a scary moment though...    

Big Bang

Just attended my company's annual dinner. Me, the once ever famous popular "one" has turn out to be almost alone. Other than my colleague the others are strangers that's like 4 over 500 people. This is what i get for leaving the world alone and concentrate on my life for just half a year. Can't blame them as i my self did not show the world that I'm struggling inside. I hope the world doesn't have many vessels like me. Most of them that i've known looked right through me. It just felt like "hi-bye" friends. don't matter the rest but the one i once close to doesn't really go crazy with me. As in enjoy the party with me. I'm like a pest who suddenly got diagnosed with some psycho disease or maybe i have boils all around me. People just don't really talk to me anymore.
I know you must be asking what did i do. BRIEFLY: I bought a house. Miscalculated and get myself in a deep dept. So i stopped being a party animal. I stop hanging out with friends i even stopped eating lunch. I have control my financial output. So i focused on my job. But the world has to have a bad economy year. Hence i earn lesser commission. Financially got tighter. I can't go out for just a stroll at the mall, cause transport needs money. I can't even buy my parents a holiday or presents. I'm stressed. Don't talk much. It affected my work. Screwed up a report. My manager has to be immature.(unbelievable) She single handedly killed my career. My stress got worst.
I l looked into Facebook and see so many pictures uploaded and not more than 5 is me. I don't have pictures even with my befriends. I do feel freaking sad but i also felt like i could just start all over again. Kinda fresh.!!!