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I'm speechless over what i want to say. I always have something to say or stuff that i want to blog it up here. When i finally are here i always kinda reserved what i want to say cause at the end, i would think i'm being ridiculous. Is it really true?
I always had this urge to talk to one friend. The one friend who would listens about my matters. No matter happy or sad or dirty or ridiculous or just be there. I was actually telling my friend about this and then as i'm saying it i felt weird. Weird cause i'm telling a friend that nobody listens to what i need to say and "he" is actually listening to me!!  I felt that i'm contrasting myself at that time. So i ended it and change the subject.
Still i don't feel right all this time. I think i understand me now. What i actually meant by what i am saying. I need a friend who would actually let me finish what i have to say. I have tons and millions of problems that i always keep in me and not letting it out. With my friend that i mentioned above always don't listen to me. He listens and gives me his opinions. Sometimes he evens stop me half way and correct me then ask me to continue. That is interrupting. What if i'm crying? Pause?? Sometimes my story would stop at where he interrupts and it would lead to another conversation as i am responding to his opinions. I am still not finish yet??? It's no wonder i never felt satisfied talking to him. Why the fuck do you have so many opinion for?? Not that i forbid but can't you listen to the whole story? Sometimes listening and shut up would help that person more,!! Your silent presence would meant a lot, than giving your bloody opinion!!! I just need to know that you are beside me and i have a shoulder to cry on when needed. Or give your opinions or solutions after you hear the whole damm story!!!
Every time after going out with him i would feel like i have never spoken!! It's no wonder i am always sulking. No wonder i always have the sane stuff to bother even after i chat about it. It's no wonder i would tell him that i needed a friend to tell my problems to.

A Brother

Yup. yup. If you have been reading my blog, you would know i wanted a brother very much. Maybe i don't really want a brother but a MALE example to look at. You know where i could seek for help. Where i could hang out with. Where i know someone who would take care of me. Well i actually had one passed by but only a fraction of time. Anyway i suddenly start talking about this is because i was watching an anime just now. It's a straight anime. well at least that's what i know and i really hope the two guy charactor will get together. Anyway, This guy always ends up in trouble and always his best friend will be around to help him. Or maybe secretly protecting him. Yes it's all so sweet in a gays perspective., but to think of it. In real life we don't really have such thing. I'm not actually crazy for the love or the sex or anything but it's the pore sure and safe feeling that you will have when you are around him. Someone who you could call and actually talk about your probs without embarrassment and someone who you could cry on or someone who would actually know you just want someone to sit beside you and stay quiet if you didn't say anything. Yes moments like that sounds very fiction but it's also these sheer little moments that would heal you entirely. I always have enjoys getting wasted. I would drink and drink and always talks to strangers about whatever. Because i know tomorrow i will never see them again. Sometimes i will cry all by myself if i get drunk and get all sad and stuff. Such a pain to the world!!! But then again, I'm always like that because till today I've never met anyone who i could really cry on. Well this is just some stuff i felt like talking about in here. Maybe i would talk about my wasted days next. hahah.......