FAREWELL

I will never forget the times that we had. 

Tonight i have to bid farewell to a friend who is going back to his hometown to work. So because i wont be going that area anymore? Indirectly, I won't be seeing two other friends who hangs out there too.  One of them i am quite fond of. Hopefully they would look for me next time. There is another friend too who is gonna be transfered to another area starting tomorrow. Hmm.... 

Wish them all the luck in life. 

What Do You Want?

It's heartbreak. You are crushed and You almost wanna vomit out of the blue. You feel like the world are organically cruel. You wanna cry but your tears are just not coming out. You feel that this is a wound that may never heal. Then your closest friend is the one you turn to. You sit down. Your face is almost like a melting plastic plate. Your friend prepares to synchronize with your awfully mellow  mood. In the silence...you start to tell your story. With another presence besides you, you may feel it's easier to cry. As a friend of course when we hears a friend is in need. We be there to hold your hand. When there is a problem we share our point of view. Even suggest solutions and encouragements in hope to make you feel better.

So what do you mean when you pour your damaged love story to a friend and ends the session with "you are not me so you will never understands the "love" in this relationship"

Hmmm...then why even bother to TELL in the first place? People understands your love when it's a problem but we suddenly don't anymore when it comes to the solutions part?

Ps: this "Break-up" happened two years ago and that phenomenon above is two days ago. 

Reporting for 1st 01 2012

It turns out that everyone i know in KLCC is not working on new years eve. Hmm... what a coincidence. My new years eve dinner became a house warming party and then a surprise visit to Market Place. Everything is not planned at all. I am not complaining but just it's a bit surprising. Thank god i am well prepared for it. LOL..... It was a blast....well...a pleasant blast at the club. I was introduced to some guys at the club and i kinda fell in love for 10 minutes. Because he is wearing braces and he has a great smile. I think guys with braces are damm damm sexy. Most of my time there are quite nice because of his jokes and all. Market place should really look into their air conditioning making everyone sweat is not very flattering. and also their DJ is not very entertaining. Quite disappointing there. Then everyone starts to leave and there is this last stare between the braces guy and me, and then goodbye. I did not take his number!!! Till now i am still finding reasons, to make the fact that i did not take his number, is okay. Hahhah... well, may the cupid be on my side. ..... 

Tell me what do you think if your best friend is flirting in a slutty way with his best friend's BF? 

Apparently...

Apparently my friend thinks that i'm a threat. Well, i think so. I'm in fashion line and he is in academic field. Obviously everyone cannot be good at everything, I will be great at fashion and he is great at what he does. My friend always thinks that i'm cooler than him. Not his fault. Naturally fashion is always more popular in an everyday conversations or maybe in ones life. Not necessarily important though. He always try to out smart me. I'm so tired. It gets even worst till now. Even  who knows that particular guy first, also became an issue. Everything i say always seem wrong for him. He always has the opposite profound idea to present. Overly elaborating something just to survive his little point of pointless view. Or maybe he is always such a looser at work till he has take me as a tool to release his anger or he is just an egoistic pig. Why such guy would even have a friend like me to take pity on him and understands why he is doing so? I feel like.... I'm so tired. 

I... ik...i...i.....ik....

What did i just did??? My friend that i have been blogging about. We knew each other for nearly ten years.We always chat like girlfriends. Yeah we had sex once or twice. That was years ago. We explore the porns together. We talk almost about everything. He even could undress around me or even wears only his underwear when we hangs out together in his room. He shows me his nude pictures too.

Then just now we went out for dinner. When we we are in his car i saw his bulge. (Not intentionally) not huge but he was wearing his work pants so it was kinda showing. Out of a sudden i thought, how would it feels like if i grab it. Boldly i did. He reacted like i was gonna rape him. I was super shock with his big reaction.I really thought he wouldn't mind. I for sure wouldn't, don't think i'll have a hard on too if he does. Leave that aside i seriously thinks that he wouldn't mind since he was so open all these while.Then came the awkward moment. It was seriously an honest mistake, Now i feel damm ugly. Ishh....

I then text to him apologizing and explain. He replied. "You quit smoking i will let you touch"  now i feel stupid for explaining. Did i use language from Mars? 

Really????

He wants to watch Alien vs Cowboy. He parked at some housing area opposite Sunway Pyramid. (Doesn't want to pay parking fee). Dark, without streetlight he walked in front of me without guiding me. Not trying to be a baby, but with my eyes condition i cannot see anything on the road. It's really dangerous for me. (some more he say i'm insensitive for saying he is not gentlemen) We walked up the overhead bridge, to cross the highway. Then went up three floors to the cinema. Then he refused to watch the movie because it's priced at RM14. After nearly a KM walk he decided not to watch because it's expensive?? I am totally speechless. I instantly smirked and gave the cashier a "Please ask the cowboy to save me look" He just smiled nervously. Cute. Then i say i felt like going to "Kim Gary" It's been a while since i have been there. Besides i have a friend who is working there.  He wanted  to eat at "Ming Tien" this Chinese stall court nearby. So i just suggested, why not we just walk pass that restaurant and see if there are seats available. If not then we just head to the other place. He answered okay then he went and choose a route that didn't pass by the restaurant then when we reached his wanted destination he turn and  say " oh? we didn't pass by  Kim Gary wor?" I have no other reaction but to smile and say it's fine. In fact i am actually really smiling and felt funny cause He and I knows the route at Sunway Pyramid like eating peanuts. Me not coming out for a year doesn't mean i forget everything. So i'm thinking no big deal, finish eating we could just have a drink at Kim Gary. Then that's what he suggested too. After eating we actually walked pass Kim Gary. I walked towards the entrance and then he pulled  my hand and say we are not going in. I have a show to catch on tv. After that around 2 am we went out for drinks near my place. He ate and drink. Me just drink. The bill was Rm12. I intended to treat my friend because after all he took me out  today.  When i found my wallet i ask again how much was it? My friend answered.."Oh you just pay Rm10 can already"  Again i smiled and speechless!!!                                                                       These are not very pleasant attitude to treat anyone. He is my best friend. It's never about the money. I don't know how to tell him.  He is not a bad person, and he is not a poor guy in fact he is quite rich.  Hard self earn money and not rich by family. Well educated, very presentable. I think he is becoming a very typical successful materialistic self obsessed white collar guy. Total misery. I'm worried actually. 

Dream.

I had this dream last night. A dream that i guess it's what i have no guts to touch before. Well, people do hope for excellence but i think in reality they will always go for compatible.
Anyway i had a dream last night. It's me walking with my sis and her son. My nephew. A teenager.(In reality. my sis is not even married yet. So no child yet)  He kept whining, for something cause his mom sort of like forbid him to do or get. Then out of the blue i told him to go ahead and don't worry about my sis. Instantly he smiled and came to thank me. I say it's alright and i kissed his cheek. It's a weird kiss cause the kiss was the kind of kiss that you sniff before you kiss. Then he gave me a stare. A stick in the brain kind of stare that i cannot forget while he turns away.  Then i walked away with my sis and suddenly i'm transported to another scene. In this scene i was with my best friend. A super young version of my best friend. A very innocent virginated version. So it's obviously not him. So, here i am assisting him to take a bus to meet up with his boyfriend. During the ride, i remembers i am imagining it would be nice if he likes me. I kept talking to him. Then, OCBC Bank called me!! Ish.......

The sweet part about this dreams is that, my nephew looks like Joseph Gordon Levitt. Also a virginated version of him. And the second guy looks like my best friend who now doesn't seems to wants to talk to me. He lives in Singapore now. I think he had turned Gay. Suspicious. (many history) The weird part of this is, this is the second time i have dreamt the exact same dream. And that stare. I'm kinda very emotional attached to this dream. Don't really know why.  Maybe these guys are the ones that i unconsciously hoped for. Well not sexually but it's to have the slow motion kind of moment. to love and love love. lol......

This below is Joseph Gordon Levitt

And i didn't know he sings. Awesome.!!!!!

,,,,,,,,,,,

I'm speechless over what i want to say. I always have something to say or stuff that i want to blog it up here. When i finally are here i always kinda reserved what i want to say cause at the end, i would think i'm being ridiculous. Is it really true?
I always had this urge to talk to one friend. The one friend who would listens about my matters. No matter happy or sad or dirty or ridiculous or just be there. I was actually telling my friend about this and then as i'm saying it i felt weird. Weird cause i'm telling a friend that nobody listens to what i need to say and "he" is actually listening to me!!  I felt that i'm contrasting myself at that time. So i ended it and change the subject.
Still i don't feel right all this time. I think i understand me now. What i actually meant by what i am saying. I need a friend who would actually let me finish what i have to say. I have tons and millions of problems that i always keep in me and not letting it out. With my friend that i mentioned above always don't listen to me. He listens and gives me his opinions. Sometimes he evens stop me half way and correct me then ask me to continue. That is interrupting. What if i'm crying? Pause?? Sometimes my story would stop at where he interrupts and it would lead to another conversation as i am responding to his opinions. I am still not finish yet??? It's no wonder i never felt satisfied talking to him. Why the fuck do you have so many opinion for?? Not that i forbid but can't you listen to the whole story? Sometimes listening and shut up would help that person more,!! Your silent presence would meant a lot, than giving your bloody opinion!!! I just need to know that you are beside me and i have a shoulder to cry on when needed. Or give your opinions or solutions after you hear the whole damm story!!!
Every time after going out with him i would feel like i have never spoken!! It's no wonder i am always sulking. No wonder i always have the sane stuff to bother even after i chat about it. It's no wonder i would tell him that i needed a friend to tell my problems to.

Sulk

I know this sounds pathetic. I'm always in these moods. I apologize. Can i just lay my self  out there in the wild, on the road or pavement and hope someone will hold me and let me cry? Someone who would see me and decides they want to care me. Someone who wants to see if i'm scared. and hold me. Someone who wants to see if i needs to cry and offer me his shoulder. Someone who wants to see if i need a hug just to feel that i'm standing straight.. Someone who wants to see if i needs a friend just so that i could feel a presence of someone i know at my side. Someone who wants  to see if I've prepared breakfast, so that he still knows i care. Someone who wants to secretly waits for me to cover the sheets for him and then goes to sleep. Someone who wants to see if i wake up earlier than him to prepare his clothes so that he knows i still love him. Someone who would watch eagerly at his phone at1pm, for my text so that he knows i still miss him.
I know any strong people would feel that these are just weak. I just started my new job. Every single people are watching my every single steps just to see if i fit my position. So i felt scared. All my best friends has gone to work in Singapore. I am really left alone here. I'm always left alone at home. I know there are nice staff at work but i can't take it as i am really sad that i am all alone. I am in great fear now. I have to put up a strong mask everyday at work. I got no one to turn to when in fact i'm so scared inside.