Samir

If i say i didn't feel even a bit of less fortunate? I would be lying. I missed him dearly. Thank god he did text me again from the airport and he hasn't text me yet from Nepal. Hmm........still feeling a bit less...but i do understand that he is super tired of the journey. Plane got delayed 6.45 hours and he should be resting now. Hope he gets a good sleep and remembers to drink more water. :) I understand that he is not obligated to text me again., then again if he does it, it just settles me down more by knowing that he is fine.  But hey it has been great. Beggars can't be choosers. Trying to deal my time with attempting to start something. So far i am still okay. He did ask me to smoke lesser and refuses to sell me cigarates on the last day of him working. He did sold me a pack anyway,  after showing him i have none left. Maybe i should really work on that. You must be shaking your head right now, reading this and thinking that this may seem like a lost cause At least i have some mission to attend to. To take my mind away. Don't you think?. He would come back again in future. Will we meet again? That's a probability. Anyway how could i be around when he needed a friend, if i crumbles now. I should and have to satay strong, be it for him or i know i should do it for my self because ......life still goes on.

Day 13 ,  5th Sept 2012
Not that i wanna be clingy or anything but it really is at the back of my head. Today would be the 16th day i have not seen you. I must say i missed you like shit. Since day one it has been difficult. It's just lonely and it keeps on repeating being so. It's like it's not cruel enough that the creator kept on repeating this scene again and again. Just that i thought i am okay and gonna move a slight pace. I am back again in this scary chilled moment again. I just came back from Malacca sending my sis back for good. So now again i am left all alone again. Just this afternoon i thought i am excited to start something. The way back from Malacca was scary and eerie. I am so afraid to reach home to feel that i am all alone again. Usually at times like this i will go and find you to have a little chat and get ciggy and a Lemon drink. Now i can't anymore cause you are not here already. The everyday ten minutes that i spend with you made me unconsciously re-arrange and altered my life adapting and including you in my daily life routine. You never been to my house but everything here reminds me of you. Hahah...even when i open my fridge i still have balance of fruits i bought for you. Cry is so commonly used by me these days. Then again i never get to really cry and fully flush my system. I really don't know why you have such an Impact in my life. I can't sleep. I can't seem to lift up my self to do things. You didn't text me from Nepal letting me know that you are alright. I somehow am super super missed you. Arrrghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 14  6th Sept 2012
The thought of you being intimate with anyone at all really kills me. I can't bare it. 

Day 17 9th Sept 2012
Hey...i broke up with Kent yesterday. Hmm...this just mean days are getting lonelier. How come i would think of you so much? I cannot stop thinking of every time when i saw you in 7E. Your voice really kept lingers in my ears. Your image never stops reappearing in my face. I am really happy that i have ever met you but you know at the same time it gives me as much pain as well. Is it reallyy i love you that much or it's just the situation that makes me so? I have liked so many guys. Straight and gay. Everytime i end up cannot love them and always end up like now. Boiling my mind thinking of them. You know i love you so much that i am so afraid that you would contact me again when you come back. I afraid that i can't contain my self. I hope i get to make peace with this feeling so that i can continue to love you without pain. 

Day 22 14th Sept 2012
LOLZZ....i think i have made you as my diary within my diary..which is this blog. YOU called. You actually called. When i know that you are alright It almost made me felt lighter almost a ton!!   As much as i may deny it but knowing that you are alright just lifted me up and i am smiling more. I went out today. Seeing actual people and i was so fine till i get back. No one is at home and when i am trying to sleep...i felt scared cause of the sudden silence and the night is cold. Then i remembered usually when i feel so i will walk over to find you at 7E. I wish i would be able to just lie down beside you smelling your forehead and hear you breathe. I missed you.     

Day 23 15thSept 2012          
Why do i always get a number that i couldn't get to you directly? Maybe i am over thinking it. What am i doing. I really am trying to feel this casually. I want to start to feel okay with it, but no matter how...i am thinking of you. I don't dare to look at nice girls now cause when i do? I tend to see you being intimate with a girl. It kills me to see that vision. I tell myself not to think of you or built my feelings deeper for you and i really don't know why i kept on thinking what i can do for you. Every time when i see you or like that day when you called.  Why i didn't speak much? It's Because i know that you are okay, almost instantly i could feel like " wow..i am actually not that much into you. I feel i can let go. I actually can do this...i actually can forget about you. Not a big deal. It's that bold. but The truth is that because i heard your voice and felt that you are safe so the worst doesn't matter anymore. at the same time at the back of my head....I am thinking what should i do to improve my life so that it could benefit you... I am thinking what fruit i can buy for you next time. I am  I am worried about you. What is this that i am going through? Does this meant love? Why do i always love guys that cannot love me back? 

Day 25 17th Sept 2012
Yeah...you felt it right. There is something wrong between me and Ken. I am sorry that i didn't tall you the truth about Ken (Rafflesia) Thanks for noticing that i would have no other friends when i don't meet him and thanks for knowing that i would be bloody lonely. Loneliness is hitting me now. Yeah exactly now. I can take quiet and lonely usually but this now? It's giving me chills. It's so quiet that i am scared now Samir. Terrified almost. I am actually trembling now.I kept on try to distract myself and these feelings kept coming back. 
You know i use to complaint that why i never cry. Now i am always teary when i thought of you. Am i actually really missing you or i am actually missing the civilization? But the reality now i think i am missing you loads because you have been my muse all these while. So without you and i don't see rafflesia....i am amazingly lonely. I am so scared now samir. So scared. 

Day 26 18th Sept 2012
Owh..it's just been a day and i am writing to you again. I think when you were here i imagine stuff. I always imagine that you were sitting in my kitchen island drinking..well not coffee cause you'll have headache after drinking coffee. Well tea or milo maybe. When i cook i always imagine if you would like it. I think i took up cooking cause i was preparing for you to come over. I always make sure my home has some healthy food lying around, in case if you pop by. Awh...i tend to wait and do my gardening at 8am onward. Hoping that you'll walk by. That's why the morning breeze reminds me of you. I guess you took a different route entirely. I always tidy my bed right after i wake up in case you pop up. I always change my bed sheets to fresh ones cause i don't want it to smell if you ever sleep on it. I always imagine that you'll be sitting at my dining table. When i see a beautiful day like now...the sun shines brightly i would see you smile. Imagining you me enjoying the sun with you. I remembered once when one of the house near my place alarm went off at the wee morning. I grab my keys and head straight to 7E cause i couldn't bare the thought of 7E being rob and you're in it. I still have an apple that i bought for you on my table now. I still have an empty bottle of the lemon juice i bought from you on my table now. I have the last pack of ciggy you sold to me. I kept the seed of the apricot i bought for you. couldn't give it to you when i bought it cause you wasn't working night shift for a few days and i have to eat it. So i kept the seed. There is a mineral bottle that i bought from you in my fridge now i use as my cold water bottle. I don't know why i am so into you. It's like i am in a trance. I foolishly incorporate you in every detail of my life. Everything. Imagine now i have to do everything the opposite so that i could love you without paain. It's a lot. ...of pain.  Why do i always fall for the impossible? 

Day 28 20th Sept 2012
I am feeling less tense now. Neveryheless i am still thinking of you. I love you much. I just wanna fond you. Smell your forehead. and pat you to sleep. Well, ...hope that you are fine over there. Really i hope you pass everyday pleasantly. I know with the condition of your hometown and with the power cut all the time irritates you. Well..i hope you try to enjoy your days there and please be safe. Really missing you much here. Miss you Miss you. 

Day 29 21st Sept 2012
I kept on feeling this FEAR. My hands shakes . My body shakes like i'm so cold when i am in this state. I kept on trying to not call you. I don't want to scare you off. I really really wanna hear your voice. I have to go to Shell taday and i am actually scared to go there. I didn't go there for so long. That area actually. Near 7E. I am really scared i will feel shitty. And the truth speaks loudly. Saw your friend and he mentioned your name. Now i gone back to miss you much. Have faith they say. You know it's so weird that i know you have said that you are straight and we made it clear we are good friends. But why am i feeling all this pain? Why am i still expecting miracles? Please keep yourself safe. Every fibre in me misses you with vengeance. 
You know all this while i really need to actually hug someone and talk about this. And that someone is what i don't have and don't get. I just want to feel safe and not trembling on the tip of Mount Everest. You take care when you visit mount Everest though. Please be safe. I pray ..i pray for you everyday. 
I don't dare to think of having sex. Cause i think i am doing you wrong. So i have been forbidding myself. How can my heart be crushed like this. I know you are not to blame. I even know people just thinks that i can't let go of someone cute. Then again ...if it's not your qualities in you that i see. I won't feel so. You hit ever desired note in me. 

Day 30 22 Sept 2012
I just thought of you starting your work at the bank wearing office wear. I can imagine how amazingly attractive you would be and i really can't bare the thought of so many girls get attracted to you. I don't even dare to watch wild porn or rough sex now cause every time i see i would be scared that someone might do that to you. I have to avoid thinking so but I really cannot stop thinking of you. How Samir...i am so useless... i told you  we would be good friends but instead i pray every night for your safety and so that you would be my boyfriend. I am even willing to swap my heart to be your boyfriend. Please help me go through this Samir. 

Day 33 25th Sept 2012
I saw the mountain avalanche news on yahoo and got worried. Text you but you didn't reply. Hmm...hope that you are fine. I am glad that you texted me the other day. I am glad you turn to me for help. I hope you are doing fine over there. I did pray for you. You take care. 

Day 39 1st Oct 2012
I don't know why when you seek for my help for money i am all for it. I instantly felt that's its okay. I have no worries and what so ever. Is this happiness blinded by my love for you? Hmmm...its like almost don't care if there is any trick in this. When i called you yesterday....you sound agitated. Hope your mood is better today. Will people call me stupid for doing this? YES of course. I trust you i guess. Samir i hope this would be a beautiful relationship. I know i am messy and disgustingly sticky. Please don't hurt me. No matter how it goes please watch my heart as i love you with my soul. 

Day 45 7th Oct 2012
I wonder how are you now. I love. I want .I care and i almost are giving up thinking of you cause i am mentally convinced that you would be mine. Convinced by who? Of course by my ever hopeful self. Anyway i really don't need people telling me that i have to stop loving. I bloody won't stop loving you Samir Purkuti. I need someone to share these feeling with me so that i won't feel so heavy carrying it alone. Anyway...i hope you are sincere to me in every way, in whatever way. Just do't hurt me. I haven't heard from you since the 3rd of oct. With all my fibre in my being. I really do wish that you are okay now. Please be. I hope to hear from you soon. 

Day 48 10th Oct 2012
I really do love you do you know that? You stirs me. My every fibre are preparing to serve you. 

Day 49 11th Oct 2012
Just when i thought i dont miss you that much i start to think immensely of   you. i super think of you. I hope  that everything is okay with you. I really  hope i could be your boyfriend. I want to take care of you. I will dedicate my life for you Samir. This does not feel good when you dont respond to me. t hanks for answering my call. I love i love you immensely.

Day 73 3rd Nov 2012
Thank you Samir for texting me your appreciation. Thank you Samir for saying that you wouldn't forget my help. Thank you Samir that you actually gave me your second number. I bloody appreciate it. I guess right now all i could do is pray for your safety and really be contented with what you have done. Hahah..  again what little that you have done ...  but it meant really huge to me. I missed you much. I hope no matter how this would turn to be a great beautiful relationship.