I felt like I'm drifting apart once I let loose of my grip. Trying to not to mega destruct myself. Luckily I have at least a slight glimpse of hope at work to keep myself from straying apart. Yeah i sound so dreadful. Coming out of it whenever i have chance though. Somehow i plunge right back in when the weekends comes along. My desire to be hug and loved are disappointing me again and again. Just a hold. Just to let me feel safe. Just take me off the shaky ground that i'm sailing on. Of course I hope there is a Prince Charming, but beggars can't be choosers. Just a friend to hold my hands, to keep it from shaking so much and to shake with me when I'm masturbating, would be suffice. Lolzzzz.. Nah....Just joking. Just to assure me that I'm safe would be enough.
It's just annoying that I kept repeating this but these are what I don't have right now. How I wish that I can be cool with it. I wish that I just wouldn't mind so much. I just wish that I am not such a drag over this. Somehow I just can't get over it and I repeatedly fall back into the zone. Arrrgh!!! Anyway, I'm redirecting my strength to this new found faux love.
Thinking of him somehow makes me occupy my mind. Thinking of what I could do to get his ever precious attention. At the same time I also think of ways to freshen up myself. I exercise at night now. Sweats makes me feel good in a way. It felt like an achievement. Keeping myself healthy along the way.
I mentioned of stop smoking and drinking multiple times. I hope this time I get to lessen it at least if I could not refrain myself completely from it. Such a struggle at my age now is so unnecessary, and yet I'm in this hole that I sunk in too deep. Will thrive to bring my self out again.
