Went praying the other day. Something i wanted to do for some time already, but never got a chance. Not gonna mention about work cause it's all a mess and sad. Gonna mention about my colleagues though. Practically everyone is gay. They are hitting on me. OMG!!! How can a manager get messed up with them? One of them got my attention though. He is the kind i'll never got attracted to. He is very sissy and too soft. But what i like is that he is very polite and courteous. Today he tried to brush through my bulge. Hahah... of course i act as if theres nothing and walk away but at the same time something grew bigger!! I have to go out right away and have a smoke to cool down. I cannot be messing up with my staff!!! Though these stuff could spice up my work life. Hmmm... felt a bit bored. cause he is gonna off for the next two days. anyway i have to keep my dirty thoughts to myself.
This is the only way i could reach out the world/ I am a dreamy person. I dream of things i couldn't reach and i get thrills on how celebrities touch peoples heart. I guess i am always of the emotional kind. I love making people feel warmth at heart. It has always been my passion to see people cry out of happiness. cry out of satisfactions. To see one cry because of some touched by some miracle hands or being lift up by some invisible wings. i guess thats why sad movies or heart moving endings makes me felt home. Is this the path i want/ I mean the job i'm doing now. This unofficial fast lane of artificial make believes?? I miss those time where i am excited to go to work. Where my life is fully dedicated to the wonders of mgical moments. Where did all those goes? I loose friends as i grow. My one love one is the last to leave. He left without saying goodbye. Bumble Bee. I miss him dearly. We have never been together. We have been best friends. What a term. BFF?? Why left without saying goodbye?? I mind. It really matters. I really really mind. Fool... i hope you are doing fine out there in the wild. I wish you well. I hope you will call me the next time you come back. This you didn't..... I'm juggling in and out just to survive. I'm moaning in pain here but i couldn't do it out loud. I could only cry inside and scream with my eyes.
I'm not happy at what i'm doing now. I know i have to work. It's this work that makes me unhappy. Everything are shitty. They think they are invincible. in-fact is everyone is barely holding up. I am feeling the ugliness of it because i'm practically being thrown to the site and i have to crash course everything. I think with my conditions like that. anf the way of them managing me.... it's no wonder i feel this job is shitty. Silly, silly, Shall i go for my passion? or shall i continue working? I'm really not happy working here.
I am fine. Fine i guess. Been working my tail off. Something i realized about my self. I tend to do stuff till i felt satisfied. While attending to the busy chaos in the store i do felt like i was back to the past where i once enjoyed all these stuff. My position now though are different. Reverse psychology. Hahahha.... How creative i could get? I have to gain these people's respect and actually be friend at the same time. These young kids are cute. Fresh and actually got hit by my staff a few times. Hahha.....I have been smoking lots. Stress really are dangerous. I think i take two packets a day now. I have to smoke lesser. Other than that, it's quite comforting when everywhere i go i always got flirts from guys. Like the other day at the toilet. If only it's a quiet toilet, otherwise we'll have sex already. I was at the first urinal and he is at the next one. Shorter than me. Bloody gorgeous. Maybe he is an Eurasian. He was there before me. So ny timing he should already finish but he seems to be shaking longer than usual. I peeked and it was uncut. Semi hard. A beautiful length and sight. Too bad too many people were in the toilet. So we went off. Did though exchange stares at the mirrors. He went off after that. When i go oit, i saw he is actually with his girlfriend walking away. It's lame but the thought of a little bit gay straight guy makes me super horny. Hahahah.... hope i'll see him again.
I guess these can't be an instant decision. I need to think about it again. As usual i just can't make any decisions. I always re-think of all possibilities. Then i don't know what i want anymore. Fickle minded. More to pickle i think. What happens to quiet nights, sitting on a bench and "there' is someone to talk to? I think it's more to the blogs now. Sometimes i just wish the world is not this world now. Things are more simpler and people are more nicer then.
Decision of me. My eyes has been healing well. Apparently it is not fast enough and i really felt it. When the store is busy and all the paper works that need to be done. I just am useless when my vision is really needed. It is so damm frustrating. I know this is a good opportunity and i can't help it by thinking that i'm lousy and it's my fault when i can't work. When it's really out of my control. I have to choose to stay or take a long rest. If i leave i will start my own business and do things at my own descrepencies. But to earn my own money. Hard work. If i stay at work. iy will be steady income and pray my eyes get well fast. I guess by typing thiis i have made my decisions. I think i'm going to stop working. Rest and see two months time is enough to heal completely.
Am i whining?? Do i over think things? I hope i did. This job is making me uncomfortable/ I rend to worry about many things. I worry how my Brand managers sees me. I worry how mt operations executive sees me. I am breaking down and i have no one here. I am standing strong by myself by thinking there are other worst than me.
Remember i say i missed bumble bee? He is coming back next week. Why at this time he decides to come back. I don't even dare to think of nest week. I just have to be strong and go to work. I have to find some joy at this work. Joy. I guess i just got demotivated when i can't see and i have to do things slowly. Grrr... Joy at work is a must. Joy Joy.
I know this sounds pathetic. I'm always in these moods. I apologize. Can i just lay my self out there in the wild, on the road or pavement and hope someone will hold me and let me cry? Someone who would see me and decides they want to care me. Someone who wants to see if i'm scared. and hold me. Someone who wants to see if i needs to cry and offer me his shoulder. Someone who wants to see if i need a hug just to feel that i'm standing straight.. Someone who wants to see if i needs a friend just so that i could feel a presence of someone i know at my side. Someone who wants to see if I've prepared breakfast, so that he still knows i care. Someone who wants to secretly waits for me to cover the sheets for him and then goes to sleep. Someone who wants to see if i wake up earlier than him to prepare his clothes so that he knows i still love him. Someone who would watch eagerly at his phone at1pm, for my text so that he knows i still miss him.
I know any strong people would feel that these are just weak. I just started my new job. Every single people are watching my every single steps just to see if i fit my position. So i felt scared. All my best friends has gone to work in Singapore. I am really left alone here. I'm always left alone at home. I know there are nice staff at work but i can't take it as i am really sad that i am all alone. I am in great fear now. I have to put up a strong mask everyday at work. I got no one to turn to when in fact i'm so scared inside.