Ish!! I'm really speechless. I feel like getting on stage and start singing. Dance Uncontrollably with the mike pole. How do you stop conflicts with less explanation? I'm so tired of explaining. Thank god i don't just randomly attach pictures in my blog. At least i could feel a little bit better looking at my blog. How could something got so complicated and bloody messy when at the end the outcome is just an everyday regular matter? It's like you have to bake a loaf of bread, but you have to plant the plant to produce the flour and build the machines to bake the bread. Right from the scratch.
I think these probs gets even worst when the participants doesn't wants to give in or loose pride. EGO do kills!!!!
In this particular case it's my mom and my sisters.
I'm speechless over what i want to say. I always have something to say or stuff that i want to blog it up here. When i finally are here i always kinda reserved what i want to say cause at the end, i would think i'm being ridiculous. Is it really true? I always had this urge to talk to one friend. The one friend who would listens about my matters. No matter happy or sad or dirty or ridiculous or just be there. I was actually telling my friend about this and then as i'm saying it i felt weird. Weird cause i'm telling a friend that nobody listens to what i need to say and "he" is actually listening to me!! I felt that i'm contrasting myself at that time. So i ended it and change the subject.
Still i don't feel right all this time. I think i understand me now. What i actually meant by what i am saying. I need a friend who would actually let me finish what i have to say. I have tons and millions of problems that i always keep in me and not letting it out. With my friend that i mentioned above always don't listen to me. He listens and gives me his opinions. Sometimes he evens stop me half way and correct me then ask me to continue. That is interrupting. What if i'm crying? Pause?? Sometimes my story would stop at where he interrupts and it would lead to another conversation as i am responding to his opinions. I am still not finish yet??? It's no wonder i never felt satisfied talking to him. Why the fuck do you have so many opinion for?? Not that i forbid but can't you listen to the whole story? Sometimes listening and shut up would help that person more,!! Your silent presence would meant a lot, than giving your bloody opinion!!! I just need to know that you are beside me and i have a shoulder to cry on when needed. Or give your opinions or solutions after you hear the whole damm story!!!
Every time after going out with him i would feel like i have never spoken!! It's no wonder i am always sulking. No wonder i always have the sane stuff to bother even after i chat about it. It's no wonder i would tell him that i needed a friend to tell my problems to.
Imagine that,...... When two person is in love? It's magical! Automatically many sacrifice would be made and many things is bound to happen.
How many of you actually realize that the sacrifice that you made, benefits both parties or is it damaging both parties? Would you know that you are pampering instead of helping? Do you realize that his request is actually ridiculous? Do you actually know that you are occupied when you promise him fo buy something?
How much should one give? What is the limit? I think there are no answer to that but i guess it's mutual understanding. Cause as always we would give unconditionally. So sometimes maybe we take too much without knowing it. Anyway, i believe i am like that too. Usually i'n the one who gives a lot.
So when someone comes and tell you, something is wrong.. Don't shut t5hem up. Process their words and think. Maybe sometimes the audience gives the best critique.
Today i clean part of my room and also do the usual routine of cleaning the house. Then i started to watch a movie. It was super sad. I must say i wasn't in quite a good mind these days. I think i should mentally get a life. Sometimes i'm quite impressed with how our mind work. I can feel excited but at the same time i also could feel sad. It's really a complex mind. Well then after the movie i read my mail and i got a mail from a friend. Such coincidence the song i'm listening to was quite heartwarming. So happen too it was a very touching mail from my friend. I couldn't bare it but get all emo and stuff. What a day. I then get down to watch the TV. I choose animax cause i want to watch something happy but it has to be another sad sad episode. I cried. Hahhaha.... i just couldn't bare it somehow.
When you are at the lowest you always tend to look up don't you think? I did. So the days emo actually got me pumped up somehow. Not much but at least i'm looking for hope.
I just finish one pack of ciggy. I hope i'm strong enough to not walk out to buy a new pack. Fingers cross.
I didn't do much lat few days. I was feeling a bit off and i had to visit the doc for some checkups. Remember about the stuff i applied from my government? So i didn't do much lately but i did clear lots of little little stuff around the house and my garden. Oh!! my fishes nearly died the other day. There is a power failure and it happen twice. The thing is when the power came back it killed my water pump in my fish pond. I didn't know till midnight. When i saw it my heart sank, cause all the fishes are kinda floating, when the water pump is not working, there is no water pumped up to the pot above, hence there will be no water overflowing and drop into the pond and hence when there is no water dropping into the pond so there will no oxygen. I quickly get an old pump hoping it works and it sure did. Very slow but at least it could create oxygen. Then i get a new one the next day. He he....
Anyway back to the little little stuff. It started out in my garden. I don't have a piece of land to work at. So my plants are all in pots. Somehow. after sometime there will be some wild grass or some little unknown plants would grow in the pot. Taking away precious nutrients and water from my plants. Well its not that they are bad in nature . It's just the simple idea of if there is two plant in one pot so they have to share everything. So of course we remove the unknown plant so my plant could get everything. So i was doing it. Some i did it more frequent but some pots are kinda hidden and harder to reach. So it didn't get as much attention. It looks obvious. I can't see my plant. So it hit me that i have to clean my house that way too.
You will be surprise of all the rubbish you can find/ Start with one drawer a day maybe if you are super busy. Your kitchen. Cabinets that you keep your dry food. Your shoe rack. The tv rack. Your car. Your wallet? The bag you use everyday. Even your key bowl. Under the bed or couch.
I smoked lesser now. But i don't think it's an achievement as i crave to smoke as bad.
There is something so awkward about her that makes me fall head over heels for her. Actually I know she gets lots of money out of whatever she does,. But i still wanna thank her for even care to do it. I Love GaGa.
Today i continue the mess i did yesterday. My eyes are not that clear after all. Today when i see the cabinet i see patches of parts that i didn't paint. Kinda humored myself there. So instead of wrapping things up i have to cover those spots that i missed. Another round of painting. it was kinda more difficult this time cause i'm wearing gloves. Plastic and paint really don't go together.Tends to be very sticky and slow down the process. After that i tried to clean as much and re-attached the little doors handle. Well it turns out very nice and my dining room looks fresher than ever. Well, still have to wait for the paint to really dry up then i can put back all the stuff.
Got a letter today requesting me to do a check up for my eyes. I tried to apply for some funds from the government. Hope it will approve this time round. I feel bad using so much of my sisters money. The medical fee and all.
My fishes are doing well. Didn't do much gardening today. Hmmm... i'm thinking which stuff to do after the painting. So many stuff to clear once you sit back and see. Anyway i'm glad i'm settling stuff, one by one.
Still can't seem to stop smoking. I'm thinking of smoking as i'm typing about smoking here. Aish....
I miss Bumble Bee. I hope he is doing well. Take care of yourself. Really take good care of yourself.
Hmm... I felt like crying now. Just out of the blue i felt like crying. What is it for? I don't know. Well, yesterday i went for my routine check up. My eyes are doing great. It's healing well. So now instead of every month i only have to visit my doctor every two months. Then again i have two doc that i have to visit.
Anyway because the nurses dilated my eyes so i didn't do anything yesterday. At night i just water my plants and head straight to bed. I have been feeling tired easily lately. I wonder it's lazy or i'm actually tired. Today, the first thing that pop in my mind when i woke up was the fishes. I have to get fishes for my new pond. So i got ready and walked to the pet store. Wasn/t really the type i wanted, it's a smaller species of what i had in mind. But i get it anyway. Can't wait any longer lol... like a boy i'm excited. Walked home and settle the fishes. Had the right picture i had in mind only smaller. Anyway it's still pretty. After that i spend like hours watching it. Then i got this sudden urge to paint my dining room's cabinet. Search for the old paint in my store room and start painting. Now i know how much trouble i'm gonna get into if i do things without planning. I dripped the paint everywhere. Got some paint on every single thing. I think i'll have a super busy day tomorrow. :( I rushed and finish painting in 5 hours. Then i got paint every part of my body. Thank god i didn't do it naked. lol.... I tried washing the paint of with this bottle of thinner that i found. Man... that was super painful. I poured it right to my hand and it burns. Even when my hands are under running water i still feel the burn. I then repeatedly wash it off with soap till i felt better. After all that my hands are still not paint free. The thinner diluted the paint and now it's still stuck on my hand. My hands are white now, which is the paint color. Skin is a bit rougher now. still feel a bit burning sensation. I applied toms of lotion , hoping my skin won't peel. After all that, i just walked to my dining room and have a look. Though , news papers are everywhere. dots of paint on the fridge, plates, bottles, my hands burning. i think i'm glad i did it. Quite tired now. My fingers are shaking while typing.
Hope you all did something satisfying too today? (how come it sounds kinda dirty?) Wish you all have a great day ahead. Cheers.
Today i kinda started my quest that i promised here. My biological clock are kinda messed up. So i stayed up and didn't get much sleep so that i could start my quest. Well nothing much. I tidy up my garden. I put up a new pond and actually are not very satisfied with it. So this morning after watering my plants i cleared my new pond and set it up again. Simple is always the best but it takes some mistakes to achieve it. So i filled it up with water. It's now clean and clear. Wait for two days for the water to set then i can buy some fishes to compliment it. It's actually quite satisfying. Initially i filled it up with mud and sand to plant some greens in my new pond. The fishes would love it but it looks kinda messy. I then remove it and now i plant it in a clay pot and just place it in the middle. Well kinda above middle, center but more to the upper north side. Now it looks neat and clear. I think i should make "stop smoking" as my quest as well. If you have been following my blog, you'll notice i've mentioned this for ages already. I'm worried i can't do iy. Still i don't stop doing it. Grr... Well i just bathe and am waiting for my hair to dry. Just wanna keep ,y blog updated. Badly wanna sleep too. Cheers guys, hope you had a great day.
So maybe i want to post everyday for what i did everyday. At least i would feel responsible. Hmm... maybe i should consider this, and this blog shall be my achievements tracker or something. Do i make any sense at all? LOL......there are many stuff that i need to settle everyday. I need to revive my self too. I cannot always stays like that. And yes, i am still thinking of what my friend said yesterday. >( Hahahhah..... grrrr.... I am so doing this.
I was reading this blog yesterday and the blog's owner was discussing about self motivation. I was able to relate. just simple messages and it's right to the point. Simple and it makes me re-think of many stuff. Then today i found some songs that i love and listening to it kinda freshens me up. You know those feeling when you smile silly while listening to your favorite piece? I thought i finally found it ( i meant that drive) Then now it's all gone. He actually came to my house. The post be,ow. mean the guy. After so many years this is actually the first time he enters my room. HE criticized everything!!!! Not that he has an awesome room. He say my room doesn't looks like me. He is disappointed. I shut up when i enters his room. His dust collection is overwhelming and his bed's color matched the dust. (Bot washed faded bed spread) I have the courtesy to just shut up and act normal. What kind of people criticize you right at your face?? When i finally just say "hey your room is also nothing better" He answered me by saying that his is rented and i own my house. Try buying a house then. I know it's so childish. Well, when It is something that i put effort in and under unavoidable circumstances hence there are not much luxury. Sorry, guys... i really need to get this out of ny system. Thanks for reading.
I was shocked to the core a while ago. I mean literally just now. I've mentioned about this friend somewhere in my blog. He is actually the only friend who brings me out these days. Tully appreciated. We have known for years. We always does out. Hangs out at a affordable places. We clicked a lot. I don't see him as my boyfriend though i almost treats him like one. You know like the BFF kind. Anyway. we do many stuff together and he always says i understands him more than anyone he knows. Wierd enough we never do stuff that goes much out of our routine. Today we went out of our routine and have a drink at a more high end place. He is different!! Pretentious. .Quite a jerk and kinda obnoxious. I'm very disappointed. I guess all these while i've only know him at his comfort zone. I also kinda disturbs me that what if we are in a relationship? Today makes me think how big the relationship goes. So many to learn and explore. It's really disappointing.
Syndrome? LOL.... i just woke up and i'm already listening to the movies theme song. Suddenly my room is so calm. Suddenly i feel i can do anything big. Suddenly i want to make the world smile. Suddenly i can do anything because i know my love is there. (of course that's imagination) The comment i posted was right. Suddenly i felt like falling in love again. Suddenly smiling is the right thing to do even before i open my eyes in the morning.
Such strong movies are really important to the world. Simple with piercing messages. I hope i did light up someone elses heart by introducing this movie. DO COMECO AO FINN
I have heard about this movie for years already. Only last week i found a link to download this movie. I'm speechless while and after watching it. It's simple but it hits the spot. Amazing and exciting but you felt calm and warmth at the same time. found one of the comment on this movie at you tube.
" love this song... i mean is so peaceful... and im obsessed with the movie...!!! ... i mean how far could love go!???... im not gay... but i love this movie... i love everything bout this movie... i jut love it!!!... it makes me want to fall in love!!!... with a man or woman!!... (im bi, yes and it does exist!)... jajajaaa...""
Below is one of the score that scored big time. I can't stop smiling.