Wednesday, August 20, 2014


I really hate it when straight guys make fun of you when they suspect that you're gay but they don't dare to ask. But you can see them try to make fun of you with sarcastic jokes, thinking that they are so fucking intelligent with the "I told you so" fucking grin on their face. OMFG!!! I just wish that I won't  explode right at their face. 

You think that the world has change a lot. Well, in certain parts of the world.... Things has not change! Juvenile stays as juvenile and that typical MAN FROM VILLAGE EGO, just never disappears. I'm not being a hypocrite here but when you comes out from the village? Please have some courtesy to learn the City's etiquette. Don't do jokes that are socially suicidal. I just can't believe that I still have to put up with such menace!!! Grrrr........ 

Sunday, August 17, 2014


I'm trying to fly?? Ha ha ha.... Everything needs precision and the perfect time to launch. I'm working at my brother in laws' office now. I was under a bit of depression a while ago. I have these frequent anxiety attack that really pulls my mood down. It's so severe that it is affecting my presence. I felt awry all the time. Like I'm walking on nothing. 
Now after a while, when the withdrawals are not so bad anymore. I begin to feel happier everyday. I begin to see more possibilities. I even become quite ambitious. Well, what I want is not easy and it takes lots of planning. Now? What I want seems like a joke or a dream that is quite far fetched. I do somehow always have this urge that  forces me to work towards it though.  So it means no                                       
In the mids of all this, when I'm feeling so weightless and weak. I oddly finds that the idea of having a man beside me calms me down. Substantially calms me down. When I think or imagine that if have a boyfriend? I felt like I could fly. I felt like there are nothing I couldn't do. I can't wait for tomorrow. Suddenly!!, I realize that I was dreaming? I'll go all hopeless again. Such force. Such wonder a guy could do to me. Interesting but useless at the same time

Saturday, August 2, 2014


It has been awesome and eerie. I hate to be sucked into watching these games. Now that it's gonna end? I begin to feel melancholy already. ;( damm sad. I wished I had been into sports when I was young. Imagine all the good things that I could do.

I am officially one month smoke free. AWESOME!!! You know when they say don't just go cold turkey and do it gradually? They are right. Listen to them. I went cold turkey and it's a torture. Of course me myself is not that strong to stop immediately. I manage to go through it cause I have a massive !!FEAR!! to motivate me through it. It's only been a month, not completely over yet. Still fighting to stay smoke free.

If you ever attempt to stop smoking? Make sure you know all the ' Nicotine withdrawal symptoms' Surf the net and you tube too. Then stop gradually. 
To stay healthy is my new aim. I don't intend only to improve my life quality but I also intend to improve the lives of everyone around me. Including you. Start with eating like a rabbit or have at least one kind of vitamins to start with.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014


Watched this movie and I thought that the ending was okay, but the guy that cried in the train station was quite awesome. Didn't expect him to cry like that. I think that it's quite touching. If my man cries like that??? I'll  run to him!!! carry him , wrap him with a cloth and tie him with a ribbon.  Then hug him, Never to let go again. It will break my heart to ever see my love to cry like that. I don't know why that girl could bare standing in front of him and not do anything but smile. Anyway the story is fine. Pleasant. Funny. Like all stories, you'll get to relate more if you follow the story, but it's also alright if you just fast toward till the end to see the train station part.   
Here is the link in case the video posted doesn't work.

Monday, June 2, 2014


I felt like I'm drifting apart once I let loose of my grip. Trying to not to mega destruct myself. Luckily  I have at least a slight glimpse of hope at work to keep myself from straying apart. Yeah i sound so dreadful. Coming out of it whenever i have chance though. Somehow i plunge right back in when the weekends comes along. My desire to be hug and loved are disappointing me again and again. Just a hold. Just to let me feel safe. Just take me off the shaky ground that i'm sailing on. Of course I hope there is a Prince Charming, but beggars can't be choosers. Just a friend to hold my hands, to keep it from shaking so much and to shake with me when I'm masturbating, would be suffice. Lolzzzz..  Nah....Just joking. Just to assure me that I'm safe would be enough.
It's just annoying that I kept repeating this but these are what I don't have right now. How I wish that I can be cool with it. I wish that I just wouldn't mind so much. I just wish that I am not such a drag over this. Somehow I just can't get over it and I repeatedly fall back into the zone. Arrrgh!!! Anyway, I'm redirecting my strength to this new found faux love.
Thinking of him somehow makes me occupy my mind. Thinking of what I could do to get his ever precious attention. At the same time I also think of ways to freshen up myself. I exercise at night now. Sweats makes me feel good in a way. It felt like an achievement. Keeping myself healthy along the way.
I mentioned of stop smoking and drinking multiple times. I hope this time I get to lessen it at least if I could not refrain myself completely from it. Such a struggle at my age now is so unnecessary, and yet I'm in this hole that I sunk in too deep. Will thrive to bring my self out again.

Sunday, May 25, 2014


 I went out the other night. Once again being left alone at home. Bored but happy about the new "MATTER"in my life. I went to 7 Eleven got a beer and sat outside take a ciggy and started blogging.  As I was happily writing, I met a few friends. Sat down and chat with me for a while and then left. Then another friend came. Well sounds many but all is Hi Bye friends. Better than none though. Then another friend showed up. Also chatted for a moment and then another friend came and hang out with me. At that time I was already going for my third beer

Then that was all I remembered. I woke up in the morning on the street and my stuff were all around me. I lost my identification card and my money and my wallet. When I woke up, not far from 7Eleven. I walked back to 7 Eleven to search for my IPad. Thankfully the staff kept my IPad. He says that I threw my IPad away and walked off. This never happens to me. I think my drinks got spiked. I never got drunk with just 3 beers. I could drink till 6 cans and I still could walk home.  How and why it happen? That's a mystery. I never drink till I snap out of my mind like that. I never shut off like that before. No matter how drunk I am, I always manage to get home. 

 My sister were looking for me in the morning. When I walked to 7Eleven my sister were there enquiring about my whereabouts. When she saw me she kept quiet and then scolded me when we got in the car. She cried and screamed at me. Then I received a text message from my younger sister. Giving me words of frustration. I didn't hear from my favorite sis. That means she is pissed off with me. I apologize to all of them and assure them it would never happen again. That was when I just got up and still blur and still trying to register what happened to me. I slept the whole day and woke up in the evening. 

When I came to my senses I realized that what happened was weird. I lost my stuff and money. I've got blue blacks at my hand body and at my bum. I may got robbed and I'm really worried I
 may have got rapped. The securities around that area knows I'm  gay and always ask for a free bj from me. I always reject. 

I don't have that much to spend that night. What I have only enough for me to get 3 cans of beer, maybe 4 cans tops. 4 cans never could get me drunk like that. I don't know. Maybe my mind really shut off due to my age. Maybe I really got spiked. I don't know. I'm just glad that I've only lost my wallet and not my life. What I'm upset is that no one asks for my wellbeing. Everyone just literally  assumed that I'm torturing my self and I'm being immature. This would never happens if I have a friend by my side accompanying me.

Maybe I shouldn't blame anyone. I have as much responsibility on my own life. Maybe I shouldn't
drink. At the first place. I should stop this mess that I thought would gained me friends and a social life. Please give me strength. I want to be anxiously hopeful.  I want to be an asset to my family and to A. I want to have a messy less life. Give me strength. Give me Mighty strength.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

SEVENTEEN point Twenty Fourteen

I'm glad and thankful to god that, whilst in the mids of the dreadful chapter of my life. I still have my muse at work to look forward to every day.  I really appreciate of his existence in my life right now. In fact I damm appreciate that I've known him at all. I wish that our friendship would only flourish and if nothing happens? I hope our friendship will never deteriorates. 
 I think with him around I'll never be bored at work. There are times, I don't get to see him more than 5 minutes but I still foolishly excited and happy till I finish work. Lolzzzz....... Every morning I anxiously rush to work, only to reach before him so that I could wash his coffee cup, clean the office and water the plants before he enters the office.                                      
Ha Ha Ha..... So for the time being, I'm glad that there is at least one matter that would distract me. It's better than nothing. I know this is a torture in a long run. I think good or bad we still have to walk through it in our best behavior. ( he has a girlfriend) No cheating and comes what may. If I get to be with him I wanna feel proud that I owned a solid legitimate relationship. If we don't be together I want it to be a proud friendship. 
I'm expecting a probability cause I felt a connection between us. What kind of connection that is? I'm not sure. Maybe it's a friendship connection. Maybe it's attraction. Whichever way it goes I'm sure to be there for him at all times. He is a strong guy too. I currently learnt that he has a difficult love life. Yet I don't see him showing any trace of agony or sadness. He is definitely masking himself with silk and gold to withstand his everyday life. I love his work ethics and courage. The place would be messy after that but I'm glad I could clean up his mess after his fight in the war zone. And now I'm addicted to Michael Jackson because of him. That's how beautiful he is. As much obstacle that he is facing he stills listen to " LOVE NEVER FELT SO GOOD" all the time. I love him as he is and I will love him always. 
When a guy farts in front of you and you don't feel even a slight inch of disgust? You know you are into him!!!! 
I love you A.

Monday, May 19, 2014



It's so crazy. I woke up this morning and i miss my boss so much. I felt like hugging him and give him a kiss. Smell his forehead and cuddle with him. Unfortunately I only can imagine it. Ups and downs. Left and right. All corners of my life now is reeked with boredom. To be adventuress , I do o things that I know sure to be fun but at the same time damaging to my body. So tired of this! I feel like I woke up in a pile of mess everyday. I can tell myself to stop drinking. In my head I know it's bad for me, but I still drink and smoke excessively!! OMG!!! What am I doing to myself? I think I need help. I need distractions. I need to be around friends. I need someone to chat with. At least that way I get distracted.      
  I hope my will is strong enough to overcome this shit.  Bumble Bee is around though. He came back a few months back. I use to hang out with him but recently he is closer to my sister. My sister doesn't want me to drink a lot so now these she goes out with Bumble Bee without me. She thinks that I wouldn't get to drink if I don't follow them. They too hangs out at the pub everyday. She thinks that she is helping and doing me a favor but actually it's worst. Taking my friend away only makes me feel lonelier hence I head out and drink by myself. When that happens, I end up drinking and smoke even more. Cause there is no one around to distract and stop me. My mom and another sister is a
t home. I can't smoke at home. That too is another reason why I goes out at night. If they are not around, then at least I can smoke at home and doesn't need to drink beer.  Damm!!! I sound like a typical alcoholic, creating excuses. 

This really doesn't feel nice. I need more friends. I need a boyfriend. I ask god to find me a boyfriend. No answer yet so far. I need to exercise. I need to improve my health. I need a sex partner, so that I don't masturbate 24/7. I need a genuine friend that doesn't cheat my money. I need a mate. I need someone to grab me closely and walk with me.

Sunday, April 27, 2014


How long can someone stay calm while waiting to be swept off their feet?  You know you can be calm. You think you might be able to wait. You think you are superior. You just don't know there is another self of you would try to sneak up and do stupid stuff. Here I thought that I'm in line waiting for my turn. I like my boss and I thought that I'm being patient till the guy to appear. Little did I know my other self is acting up. Sneakily acting up. Yeah! That sneaky self appears when I'm drunk.  I try to seduce the bouncers and I speak vigorously. 

Me : hi! How are you? 
kelvin: I'm okay. 
Me: what's your name? ( took up my hand to shake his hands)
kelvin: I'm Kelvin. What's your name? (While shaking my hand)
Me: errr...... You're beautiful. 
Then I kiss his hands and start kissing his neck!,!!! 

What am I doing??? Then I tried to hug him but he pushes me off. I went out to seduce the bouncer and after that I had a dream that I'm caressing my favorite gorgeous cousin. That I have secretly admired gor decades.  I think I sucked somebody that night. I remember sucking someone but I just can't remember who is it. 

I'm reeked with desperation. My drunk self act up and would just put up with just anybody. I remember seducing another guy. I remember trying to touch someone. I just want to smell a warm neck and feel safe. I just need a hug. I just need this chapter of searching to end so bad!! I just want to be loved. I just want to have someone to be called " my boyfriend" 

I'm sorry that I got drunk. I'm sorry I became a monster!!!

Thursday, April 24, 2014


Made these last weekend. A cable organizer. Been trashing all my cable in my bag then spend time untangling it. Frustrated. I made this organizer. 



Just because I think that he is special, now I'm in deep shit. I think his attractiveness is alive. It grows!!! It grows everyday. Like a parasite it creeps into my mind. Now every morning I can't wait to  be in the office. I felt bad to leave the office before him, but it's impossible. Cause I finish at six and he leaves at eight to avoid the traffic. Unless I follow his ride. There are a few times but now I tried to avoid that. I try to suppress the rapid growth of my feelings for him.

Like my friend says " This is a torture". Knowing that he is in the same office. Knowing that he is just a wall apart.  Knowing that he is in the same time space. I couldn't help it but smile foolishly thinking of him.  I even rehearse what to say to him. Just to be prepared if I turn around and I see him. I felt like I'm so pink and happy with rainbows and cotton candies floating everywhere. I also felt wet all the time!! Front and back. Aiks.!!! This continues semi hard on makes me breathe intensely, when my penis kept on rubbing against my underwear. The constant flow of my pre cum makes me feel like I am having period or something, hence fueling up my desire. 

I have this feeling that he likes to be around me. He always likes to walk beside me. We can chat non stop.  He sat next to me during lunch and he always makes sure that I'm attended. Everything seems like chemistry perfect. I know I am feeling all sweet and stuff.  Even his sweat taste sweet now.  But this can't go on.  He is my boss. He is my brother inlaw's business partner. It's too dangerous and sensitive  to stir the water. I do pray that miracle would happen. ( prayed very very hard) But if  it's not gonna happen? I also pray that now is just nice. I am content with now. Close enough to make coffee for him without feeling awkward and Comfortable enough to tell him that I'm gay. 
Anyway this guy is awesome. Gay husband BEN HOBSON.  Somehow I love how his mouth moves when he talks, and his teeth!!!  It's just damm sexy when guys teeth shows like that when they talk and smile. 

Tuesday, April 15, 2014


So how is everybody recently? Hope you guys are in great health. I dunno what to say. Drink more water or take more vitamins and sweat loads. Almost everyone around me take turns to get sick. Even my new muse at work is sick today. (so cute) Hmmm.... The worries never ends!!! I think I'm under some stress that I don't know about.  Why I think so? Cause I can't get a hard on!!!  WelL actually I do get erections, but only when I watch porn. That is quite pathetic. Even when I am actually sucking someone, I don't get hard. Does this means that I need more intense arousal and I don't get high with the basic touch? OMG!!! Already I don't get sex. Now I need to upgrade it? At this moment I'll be content even if there is one. 

OWH!!! Someone asked me if he could give me a kiss or not, in the toilet. He is one of the guys who hunts in the toilet. I know cause I saw him lingers in the toilet a few times. I did acknowledge him a few times before, but he is not my type. So we never done the hanky panky before. Then one day while I was washing my hands, he asked me if he could give me a kiss? Not that I don't allow it but the question caught  me off guard. I blurted "no" instantly. Lolzzzz....... After that he tried to talk me into a blowjob but I can't see his penis. What?? Anyway, While chatting, he told me that he is getting married to a lady next year and he is very proud about it.  Again! WHAT!!! 

I really don't understand! When he talks, his fingers has it's mind of its own. Individually.  They were everywhere. I wonder who is the victim and who is sacrificing here? These guys always does this to protect them self.  Worst!!! They are super proud of it. I think it's super obnoxious. I hope it's a mutual decision in this case and not what I am disgraced of!! 

Thursday, April 10, 2014


There is a power surge the other day. Fried all of my Apples's cables. So I can't on my laptop. I can't charge my iPad. That's why I have not been posting anything. Besides, work kinda take up most of my time. After a while there, I don't feel as lousy as before already. Cause manage to learn some stuff.  I'm surprised that I can endure the embarrassment. If last time, my ego would take over me and I won't bow to anyone.

Maybe it's in different field. Maybe this time I know I went in as a blank canvas. Maybe because I know that everyone knows about my flaw and everyone knows I have zero knowledge in this field. This makes me realize that how much freedom I could get from being honest. I remember last time, when ego takes over me. I pretend to say I know how to do stuff even though I have no idea what to do. So after that I felt stress all week trying to figure out how to do it and end up looking stupid and ugly. Well actually, being honest always gives people nothing but intense freedom. 
I think I may have liked my brother inlaw's bussiness partner. Dangerous area there. I hope this is just a feel good feeling and I hope I won't go plunging down falling in love with him. I think he is a straight guy who doesn't know he himself is gay. Just my speculation. He is way too proper to be straight. Anyway, I might be wrong. 

Monday, April 7, 2014


I feel useless. At work I meant. In the beginning I'm okay cause I still could help out by researching for ideas. Then when it comes to the designing and video making part. I am useless to them. I know this is a sympathetic choice for them but " I " who is the beneficiary, felt kinda bad. Well, to practicalize their decision, I help to do chores and errands.
I felt small, when all the young kids are at work. I feel stupid. Ashamed. Cause I have zero knowledge on what they are doing. What's worst is that they have to look up at me and respect me as a manager but I know nothing. An empty shell.
This is quite a big obstacle for me. I'm not saying I'm going to quit because of this. It's that I have to make sure I would be able to endure this. It's gonna be a tough time. Hope I am able to withstand the sure to come embarrassment.
I think I need a psychiatrist. I have these phobia haunting me after my dad's death. I constantly felt this enormous fear that someone may not wake up in the morning. I would go check on everyone in the middle of the night. Just to make sure that they are still breathing. When my sis goes out, I can't sleep till I know that she's return. Sometimes I get these overwhelming worries till I can't breathe. 
It's not that I can't except the reality. I am well aware that I should live on and be happy. Live life smartly. I just don't understand why I can't shake these worries off. I hope in time I'll be okay.

Monday, March 17, 2014


I started work two weeks ago. Went into my brother in-law's advertising company. Wasn't really happy about it cause, at first i was told to be there to learn. But now i have a position. An actual position. Felt like i was being tricked. He and his partner made me a project manager. Yeah i know i have experience managing a group of people but that doesn't means that i can do the same here. It's two very different world. If i am a chef who specialize in Indian cooking that doesn't mean i know how to handle a Japanese Kitchen!!  

Anyway i do realize that i am also lucky to get such opportunity. It's basically boundless and i have total freedom. Well like i say i have no experience in this line. Zero knowledge about it and i hope i can cope with it.  
First week was exciting though. I had fun. Maybe because the work load hasn't sunk in yet. There are a few gorgeous colleagues. I mean as in hot and attractive. They quickly turned ugly when i get to know them. Work ethic and enthusiasm is next to nothing.  

The Haze are getting worst, So drink more water guys and My prayers to MH370. 

Sunday, March 2, 2014


I just had a hair cut. It is exactly what i wanted but i forget to imagine my own face with it. I'm quite upset now, i even felt angry at my self for having such mistake. Just a few days. Just a few more days and it wouldn't look that bad anymore. I had the exact style of the top right picture. When you are good looking, you'll look good in everything! Haihh!! Deceived by the picture!! 
 Feeling kinda plain lately. I think it's because the guy that i liked in my previous post already has a BF. It' a damm 4 year BF!! Lolzzz.... no la.. i'm not angry. I'm quite happy for him though. It's not easy to have such bond. It's precious. Just sad that i have no opportunity. 
 Bumble bee came back from Australia. My first love. I still love him. He is closer to my sister now. They always Wechat while he is still in Australia. I think they went out yesterday without asking me to join them.  And i wasn't told that he is back till today. He came to my house just now. Visit my mom. He practically didn't talk to me at all. Just the formal courtesy "Hello" I don't understand. What have i done wrong?? Why such treatment? Why my sister thinks that it's alright to not to include me?? 
Seriously i pray and beg for a BF. A real life BF. I always get crazy woman!!!!  I'm glad that i've met great female friends but i really don't know why i attract many crazy old women. I don't want these nutty old woman go grabbing my nuts. They are just weird. Just weird. I say i'm gay and they hug me enldlessly. They even ask if they can French kiss me?? lolzzz.... i wonder how long more i can withstand these crap. 
BTW i super love skinny guys like the first top left picture. The one cutting his hair. Skinny with attitude. Actually i don't mind skinny Dorky too. Damm hot. turns me on big time mann..!!