Sunday, April 27, 2014


How long can someone stay calm while waiting to be swept off their feet?  You know you can be calm. You think you might be able to wait. You think you are superior. You just don't know there is another self of you would try to sneak up and do stupid stuff. Here I thought that I'm in line waiting for my turn. I like my boss and I thought that I'm being patient till the guy to appear. Little did I know my other self is acting up. Sneakily acting up. Yeah! That sneaky self appears when I'm drunk.  I try to seduce the bouncers and I speak vigorously. 

Me : hi! How are you? 
kelvin: I'm okay. 
Me: what's your name? ( took up my hand to shake his hands)
kelvin: I'm Kelvin. What's your name? (While shaking my hand)
Me: errr...... You're beautiful. 
Then I kiss his hands and start kissing his neck!,!!! 

What am I doing??? Then I tried to hug him but he pushes me off. I went out to seduce the bouncer and after that I had a dream that I'm caressing my favorite gorgeous cousin. That I have secretly admired gor decades.  I think I sucked somebody that night. I remember sucking someone but I just can't remember who is it. 

I'm reeked with desperation. My drunk self act up and would just put up with just anybody. I remember seducing another guy. I remember trying to touch someone. I just want to smell a warm neck and feel safe. I just need a hug. I just need this chapter of searching to end so bad!! I just want to be loved. I just want to have someone to be called " my boyfriend" 

I'm sorry that I got drunk. I'm sorry I became a monster!!!

Thursday, April 24, 2014


Made these last weekend. A cable organizer. Been trashing all my cable in my bag then spend time untangling it. Frustrated. I made this organizer. 



Just because I think that he is special, now I'm in deep shit. I think his attractiveness is alive. It grows!!! It grows everyday. Like a parasite it creeps into my mind. Now every morning I can't wait to  be in the office. I felt bad to leave the office before him, but it's impossible. Cause I finish at six and he leaves at eight to avoid the traffic. Unless I follow his ride. There are a few times but now I tried to avoid that. I try to suppress the rapid growth of my feelings for him.

Like my friend says " This is a torture". Knowing that he is in the same office. Knowing that he is just a wall apart.  Knowing that he is in the same time space. I couldn't help it but smile foolishly thinking of him.  I even rehearse what to say to him. Just to be prepared if I turn around and I see him. I felt like I'm so pink and happy with rainbows and cotton candies floating everywhere. I also felt wet all the time!! Front and back. Aiks.!!! This continues semi hard on makes me breathe intensely, when my penis kept on rubbing against my underwear. The constant flow of my pre cum makes me feel like I am having period or something, hence fueling up my desire. 

I have this feeling that he likes to be around me. He always likes to walk beside me. We can chat non stop.  He sat next to me during lunch and he always makes sure that I'm attended. Everything seems like chemistry perfect. I know I am feeling all sweet and stuff.  Even his sweat taste sweet now.  But this can't go on.  He is my boss. He is my brother inlaw's business partner. It's too dangerous and sensitive  to stir the water. I do pray that miracle would happen. ( prayed very very hard) But if  it's not gonna happen? I also pray that now is just nice. I am content with now. Close enough to make coffee for him without feeling awkward and Comfortable enough to tell him that I'm gay. 
Anyway this guy is awesome. Gay husband BEN HOBSON.  Somehow I love how his mouth moves when he talks, and his teeth!!!  It's just damm sexy when guys teeth shows like that when they talk and smile. 

Tuesday, April 15, 2014


So how is everybody recently? Hope you guys are in great health. I dunno what to say. Drink more water or take more vitamins and sweat loads. Almost everyone around me take turns to get sick. Even my new muse at work is sick today. (so cute) Hmmm.... The worries never ends!!! I think I'm under some stress that I don't know about.  Why I think so? Cause I can't get a hard on!!!  WelL actually I do get erections, but only when I watch porn. That is quite pathetic. Even when I am actually sucking someone, I don't get hard. Does this means that I need more intense arousal and I don't get high with the basic touch? OMG!!! Already I don't get sex. Now I need to upgrade it? At this moment I'll be content even if there is one. 

OWH!!! Someone asked me if he could give me a kiss or not, in the toilet. He is one of the guys who hunts in the toilet. I know cause I saw him lingers in the toilet a few times. I did acknowledge him a few times before, but he is not my type. So we never done the hanky panky before. Then one day while I was washing my hands, he asked me if he could give me a kiss? Not that I don't allow it but the question caught  me off guard. I blurted "no" instantly. Lolzzzz....... After that he tried to talk me into a blowjob but I can't see his penis. What?? Anyway, While chatting, he told me that he is getting married to a lady next year and he is very proud about it.  Again! WHAT!!! 

I really don't understand! When he talks, his fingers has it's mind of its own. Individually.  They were everywhere. I wonder who is the victim and who is sacrificing here? These guys always does this to protect them self.  Worst!!! They are super proud of it. I think it's super obnoxious. I hope it's a mutual decision in this case and not what I am disgraced of!! 

Thursday, April 10, 2014


There is a power surge the other day. Fried all of my Apples's cables. So I can't on my laptop. I can't charge my iPad. That's why I have not been posting anything. Besides, work kinda take up most of my time. After a while there, I don't feel as lousy as before already. Cause manage to learn some stuff.  I'm surprised that I can endure the embarrassment. If last time, my ego would take over me and I won't bow to anyone.

Maybe it's in different field. Maybe this time I know I went in as a blank canvas. Maybe because I know that everyone knows about my flaw and everyone knows I have zero knowledge in this field. This makes me realize that how much freedom I could get from being honest. I remember last time, when ego takes over me. I pretend to say I know how to do stuff even though I have no idea what to do. So after that I felt stress all week trying to figure out how to do it and end up looking stupid and ugly. Well actually, being honest always gives people nothing but intense freedom. 
I think I may have liked my brother inlaw's bussiness partner. Dangerous area there. I hope this is just a feel good feeling and I hope I won't go plunging down falling in love with him. I think he is a straight guy who doesn't know he himself is gay. Just my speculation. He is way too proper to be straight. Anyway, I might be wrong. 

Monday, April 7, 2014


I feel useless. At work I meant. In the beginning I'm okay cause I still could help out by researching for ideas. Then when it comes to the designing and video making part. I am useless to them. I know this is a sympathetic choice for them but " I " who is the beneficiary, felt kinda bad. Well, to practicalize their decision, I help to do chores and errands.
I felt small, when all the young kids are at work. I feel stupid. Ashamed. Cause I have zero knowledge on what they are doing. What's worst is that they have to look up at me and respect me as a manager but I know nothing. An empty shell.
This is quite a big obstacle for me. I'm not saying I'm going to quit because of this. It's that I have to make sure I would be able to endure this. It's gonna be a tough time. Hope I am able to withstand the sure to come embarrassment.
I think I need a psychiatrist. I have these phobia haunting me after my dad's death. I constantly felt this enormous fear that someone may not wake up in the morning. I would go check on everyone in the middle of the night. Just to make sure that they are still breathing. When my sis goes out, I can't sleep till I know that she's return. Sometimes I get these overwhelming worries till I can't breathe. 
It's not that I can't except the reality. I am well aware that I should live on and be happy. Live life smartly. I just don't understand why I can't shake these worries off. I hope in time I'll be okay.