Monday, December 13, 2010


I Just Got Back from a operation. sorry guys. I Will try to post as much again soon. (i hope) I think my country needs more Male  nurse, >(

Sunday, October 24, 2010


I have never met a really cute doctor. Well maybe once. I always no, maybe because when ever it's a right time it's never a right doctor. I visited a doctor yesterday. It's not because of my eyes and it's something else. So i visited this doctor. Just a random pick. Kinda looks cheap, the place i meant. But there are so many guys around. I think it's just a coincident. At that time there are only guys there. Making all my senses tingling. Lol... nuts... then later there are these bunch of africans came in . Probably one accompanying the other. I usually never got attracted to them because they kinda speak very loud. These guys are actually attractive. Very slim and kinda fit looking. Hmmm..... I can't do anything cause my sisteres are around. Finally i was called in to the doc. A guy. I mean a male doc. Mid 40's Indian. I have some scars on my stomach. So i showed him. Because those scars are growing. He can't stop touching my stomach. It's a light touch i would say. He then showed me some pictures of the same scars. That book are full of pictures of penises. Well it's medically related but a bit too much of it. Hahhah....... He then later actually try to trick me to give out my cell phone number by asking me to fill up soe forms. Hmm.... I didn't give a correct number/ As much as i wanted sex and a relationshp? I think i'm not in a condition to be savouring that now. 

Thursday, October 21, 2010


I can't stop thinking of the idea of how i would spend my time if i get a chance to go back. Go back time i mean.  Everything goes by really fast now these. Even the way i view pictures on the net are faster now. I practically just scroll down. Saved tons of beautiful pictures but never open them up to view again. Sometimes i really want to just have "a" time. Imagine sitting on a couch that had ten soft pillows lying on them. When you lay your back on it, you could just feel the pillows hugging around you. Soft music, Dim soft lights, cool air conditioned room with the smells of berries filled the room. Just sitting there with a glass of vine. You felt time. You felt time  just paused there. Just for you to savor the moment. To top it up, if there is a companion sitting right beside you to talk to you. Just a good chat. Remembering the past or the future or fantasies. I really think talking are important. Taking some time back are important. Re-evaluating your actions are important. I really think too, that people now these don't stop and look, or even breath in that moment. Go to a club on a Saturday night and wake up the next day remembering only the journey of you going to that club. If you ever take time off and see things, you will be surprised what you get out of it. Time is very precious. Well, I regret i did't do so many things that i should already have done. No matter how old or young you are, if you sre reading these, try to at least take some time off for yourself.

Friday, October 15, 2010


A smirk?? Ha ha.... It felt quite ticklish when this guy smirks at me. He was the usual guy who pass the documents over when ever there is any deliveries for my sisters company. Well the company she works for. He cae like tons of times a;ready. Yesterday was a bit different. when he passed the documents to me, he actually stared and smirks. That was a a weird moment. It tickles me when ever i thought of it. Aiks!!! Well, as yu know, my world evolves only around me. I don't g out much and these little small gesture might not meant like i think. He is cute though. Well, i wouldn't know till the next time he shows u. Riht??

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

It's Never Clear

It's never clear. What i have to face in the future. I'm just passing through the time by sheer accident. So far it has never been tragic. To speak of. Yes some things are bad, bad, but we always compare to the worst and hey! we would think that we are not the worst. Been very tired these few days. Anti oxidant or not? everything makes me sick. What's worst is the weather in Malaysia. It's streaming hot!!! It makes you lazy to even move an inch. Yeah I've been trying to jog as much as i can. So that i don't get worst. At least some cells are healthy. Barely got time to pamper my plants. It's getting uglier. Got up today to start "a brand new day" but later to realized that i woke up one hour later. I aw the wrong time. Eyes pressure are up again. So with that, my eyes are really cloudy. Then a technician is coming over to install the new phone line. Came and gone. Why on earth, Malaysian technician never looks at least cute. My only opportunity to see cute guys. Was crushed by these people. Hmmm.... how mean of me. Anyway, i'm forced to attend an charity event at a waterfall park somewhere around the city. Will try to update on that when i have chance. I just don't go online when my sisters are around. I just felt like attacjing the picture above. Well it kinda ridiculously fit my title but maybe i'll change it later. Maybe......

Friday, October 8, 2010

So i went Jogging

Just a few days i'm into it. Getting up at 5.30 every morning isn't very tempting.It's at these times where there are practically no one at the park. Still there are some foreign workers who works for the government are up, fully dressed in the yellow florescent uniform laze around the park waiting to start work. Some Muslims, passing by to start their morning prayers. There is a huge mosque beside the park. I must say, jogging is no easy job. I can barely make it a round and I'm out of brat. As the time past there are more people walking across the park, taking a short cut route i guess. What i hate most is that , they hang out at the park and start smoking. I'm a heavy smoker my self but i think i know where i should't be doing so. It really kills when you are trying to be healthy and quit smoking but there are temptations every where. I guess this is the way how life realistically goes on. Temptations. Temptations. Thank god there is always this guy who walks by who smells good. He will walks across the park to go to the mosque. Whenever he passes by, he has this smell, obviously it's the perfume he uses. Smells very masculine and comforting. I look forward for him to pass by every time i jog. It's one of the event that makes it okay to jog. Keeps me going. Somehow, till today i have never seen his face. It's either it's too far or it's too dark. I have poor vision you know. Is he "hot"? is he young" is he old? That is a mysteries that will keep me going. Aiks!! again temptations. I think i should name this post "temptations"

Saturday, October 2, 2010


Bumble Bee, came back today. He is actually having coffee with my sis as i type this. Hmm.... i must say i don't feel as dreadful as the last time. That's a good sign :) Still, i couldn't bring myself to follow my sis out to meet up with him. Hmmm......... maybe in future when i'm back to my original form, instead of this Shrek body. Ahh..... there is this security guy that takes work in my home area He always would go around the area riding on a bike. He is an Indian guy. Very dark. But with his feature and everything, i think he would be very sexy if he is fairer. His too dark tone actually hides away all his vein and nice features.  I took his number the other day. I actually got shocked a bit, a few days back.  As i was walking back from the petrol station, a drunk guy approached me in a van. I'm okay with that until he insist of sending me home. Then he got angry a bit and almost wanna raise his voice. Then i wind my way through, mentioning that he should go home early cause if it gets later, many cops gonna be around. It took me like 10 munites to make him go away. It felt like ages though. scary. Anyway, i took the security guy's number. Now i can call him. When he pass his number to me he actually ask me to call him whenever i walk alone. I didn't know he knew. Hmmmm........... exciting. Ha ha.... ridiculous.

The Pictures As I Promised

Hmm... only manage to take these pictures with my handphone. It doesn't look that healthy though. :)

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Continuation from yesterday's post.

Later, at the next stop. more people are pouring in. We have no choice but to make space for other people. I took my bag up and hug my bag now. Thank god my bag was light. But anyhow, at any time i would only use one hand to hug my bag. It's something I'm used to. A naughty hand. Ha ha ha ha...... In this case, The door was on my left and my right is at the corner. So i use my right hand to hug my bag. I adjusted my position and put down my left hand and wanted to tuck my thumb in my pocket. As i was about to tuck, my hand got caught, squeezed between the door and that guy;s crutch!! Our eyes caught and a retract my hand!! (STUPID) (something i regret almost instantly.)  The push doesn't stops there. He got even closer when everyone at the door are pushing. Some passengers actually can't get up at the end. While it happens, I'm in awe. Suddenly my neck tightens, my nose sharpens and my eyes were shut. (you know it's those "shut" where your eye lids giggles?) I swear i felt sweat flowing down my neck. I realized his face is beside my face i can smell his neck. and i'm actually smelling  BVLGARI BLUE.  The one perfume that i categorized as "PHEROMONES" of men. !!!!! I don't even dare to open my eyes. That moment was stunning and sexy. I think i was shaking a little. I felt dizzy and everything seems to be in a slow motion. Everything is just so fiction at that moment. I cannot stop breathing IN. I think i may have steams coming out of my mouth. I dare not open my eyes, cause at the same time i don't want "this" moment to disappear. My imagination went stealth and fast. Then it stops, cause i felt a few cold drips of water dripped on my foot. I still didn't open my eyes, but i lifted my foot and try to wipe it off my foot. As i wipe it, i realized that the water is actually my pre cum. cause the  trail is from above my knee, that is from under my shorts. I didn't realize that i was actually throbbing and oozing pre cums. Ah... that sent me blushing big time. As i moved my hand back into position, i purposely brush across his crutch. Of course my eyes were opened then. He actually looked at me when my hand touches his crotch. i quickly close my eyes, when he looked. I was scared, I just continued breathing. Then suddenly i realized the tip of my nose is touching his ear. I opened my eyes when i felt it, but he didn't move a bit. In fact i think he is trying to caress his ears at my nose. I backed a little bit, cause as much as i desired it, we are still in a train. I can't see his eyes, as our face is almost side by side. I can hear him breathe. I think I'm breathing fire at that time. I cannot explain how disgustingly sensual that moment is. All this while i actually didn't realize that his hand is just beside my bulge. I thought it was my bag that my groin was banging as the train move. I knew that because he suddenly conveniently moved his hands in circular mode on my bulge. As I'm hugging my bag above, and his hands are underneath, so no one can see what he does. I think at that time my mouth were opened and i have to breath. He then actually took my hand and place it on his bulge. All this happened without us looking at each other. Froze for a moment then i started to play with his bulge. I scratched slowly and softly at every slight bulging thing i felt. Then i realized he moved a little, every time i scratch this part near his pocket. So i guess, that should be his head and that would be his sensitive spot. That means.... that's where i should attack. ha ha ha...... I think he did suffered a little, he starts to breath harder and harder. Well.... he did tortured me as well, but he didn't know. Cause my weak point, is him caressing me softly. Feeling his big warm palm, squeezing and teasing me softly. It got me electrified and yes.... yes.... i actually came. I have a hard time controlling myself when i came. I can't even stand straight. I came so much, i don't even dare to see how much cum is on my foot. I guess he knew after that, cause i tend to have this sudden shock when i shoot. He didn't stop after that, he continue caressing me. It turned me on big time. Well, as i am too attacking him at his weak point. I moved my hand further up, as i hope is his penis head. I started to scratch with two fingers in circular mode and my thumb slightly below. Time to time I'll squeeze it hard a while. Then suddenly his leg moved a little, he hold my dick quite hard and he placed his head on my shoulder, like he is fainting or something.  But i could feel the tense in my palm. At that moment too, i was stunned, cause we were in a train. Thank god, no one actually bothered to look. I think. This is by far, the hottest sex i've ever had!!! Wait!! does this considered as sex? LOL.........Of course, there is a second session. We did exchange numbers too, but i didn't text him. Due to my condition now, medically i mean. I don't think i'm fit to it. besides there are some points that i don't like about him, during the second session. He is kinda dominant and lazy. ........

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Again i forget the date?

I lost track of the dates. Sorry guys, Had some prob back home. My mom was admitted to the hospital. I laughed when i heard the news. What else could have happened? In fact my previous blog i wrote but didn't post was "Tear me apart" That's so back street boys or N'Sync. Hahah....... Well anyway thank god nothing worst happened. My mom turns out to be severe food poisoning and dehydrated. So i have to go home. By myself. My sis can't make it and my second sis is working , flew to Australia. So i am the only one who could do the trip.
I crawl up early in the morning to catch the train. Was a bit worried as i can't see well. As it was a working day, so the train is full in the morning. I wore a shorts and a shirt. I buttoned right up to the collar as my neck has some red spots, due to the reactions to my medications. I almost forget how pack the train would be. To my worst fear, i forget to wear my underwear. Since i'm not working now these, and i'm always at home. So i seldom wears my underwear. So i ACTUALLY forget to wear my underwear. Lucky me, the shorts i wore wasn't a tight one. It's like a cargo shorts. So it's loose and wide but the rough material keeps on brushing my head. Hmmmm.....
Okay, so i got in the train. Plenty of aunties and i don't see any cute guys around. As i am almost like a bear who just came out of my hibernation are quite eager....... dissapointed!!! so i tried to stand near the door as women doesn't excite me. Then too bad i can't make it to the door. I have to stand a few person away from the door. As some lady goes off the train i make my way to the door. So like after 4 stops it's finally my turn to lean on the door. Looking at the views reminds me of many stuff. Then usually at the 6th stops it will be tighter, the following stops usually have many passengers. So everyone is standing closer and closer. It was getting more and more uncomfortable. Right in front of me is a girl, her height is right up to my nose only. Imagine if it gets any tighter i would have to smell her hair. OMG!!! I kept my head tilt up and try to face out to the door's screen. But the way i stand before made it quite impossible to turn much more, so i'm leaning with my back flat on the side of the door. Suddenly there is this sudden push from up front. So i looked angrily across and it happens to be a guy who pushed. I hate it when people does that in a train. So i frowned and stared. He did the same, stared a while but he looked away first. I was kinda shocked cause it didn't occur to me that people around me has change since i came in just now. Later i realized, it was actually that girl who is being rude. She doesn't want to move even a little, to give space. It's no wonder that guy pushed her. Errr... i think i,ll continue tomorrow. I just took my medication. I don't think i'm typiing right. I'm so sleepy now. Yawn....

Sunday, September 19, 2010

it Meant Loads

It meant loads when you see people starts to comment in your blog. Thanks Dee and JB. I don't know why, but i celebrated!!! Ha Ha..... nuts!!  Gardening is like a routine now. Every morning i will mater the plants and feed my fishes. I wonder why all these while i don't actually listen to my songs when i do gardening? It;s no wonder i felt bored sometimes. Went to the station to get ciggy and had a drink with my sis after that. I missed those times. Where you sit and roll your eyes around looking at cute guys. Now that my eyes are cloudy and sick, every guys are cute. Now i actually judge them by body shape and dressing instead of their cute looks. It's just i can't see where my eyes focused. That's why i don't look at their face so much now these. People will think I'm crazy for starring so long. Anyways, the day out are quite fun. Except for this cafe owner who like to tease me. You know these, playful old man. he always likes to stand behind me and scratch my shoulder. if I'm any wittier i'll use my shoulder to push his bulge already. He,s lucky i don't like him. I actually finds him annoying. Why not any of his staff does that to me? Ha Ha ..... Oh! i went through my dvd's collections yesterday and saw Harry Potter again. I actually forget how much i fancy Harry. Sometimes i find myself nuts. I tends to fancy weird stuff. Harry's sheer dorky-ness actually gets me excited. Hmmm..............

Friday, September 17, 2010

16th Sept 2010

Planned to jog today. I woke up 3 hours late. So ambitious huh?. Lol..... what a failure. Anyway try to do gardening but all the plants are aged and start to look a bit old. so i have to re-plant. Re-pot and rearrange the plants. Kinda bored, but then again, can't wait till they all look pretty again.  In the afternoon i went to McDonalds for lunch. I forget that today is a public holiday. So the place was full. Full of young gorgeous looking people and i went there with my not so proper clothes. I'm quite sweaty and smears of soil around my t's. Wonder if i look hot or snob. Nuts!!  Never realized that there are so many good looking waiters there as well. Hmm.... i guess i would be going there quite often then..huh?? Anyway, i can't wait till i really start working out. As i remember... it felt quite good. Endorphine .

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


Had lunch with my parents the other day. It was only 4pm so actually it's neither lunch or dinner. I had so much food before, hence i'm not hungry. So i didn't order any food. Just drinks. Then my dad didn't eat much too. BECAUSE he thinks i'm saving money to pay for his food. What a situation!!! I don't know what to say. When i say i'm okay. I'm not eating cause i'm just not hungry. He just say okay he understands but he just stops ordering. Same goes with my mom. I'm touched that they care but sometimes it gets irritating when they over do it. Sometimes it hurts when you see two old people getting old and THIN. hOW on earth could things happens like that?? I never foresee things would come to this. Who would. I see my self at a stable times now, when i was 18. What would happen next??

Monday, September 13, 2010

Mom and Dad

Mom and Dad came over the weekend. Went out everyday and eat and eat and eat. I think i have a whole weeks food in my stomach now. They just left this evening. My dad who usually doesn't really speak to me actually gave me a hug and ask me to take good care of my self. It's nice. I almost cried. He never done that. Everyone tried to be "normal" and watched Resident Evil. As usual i can't see much but for the sake of everyone, i went along. Can't have everyone sacrificing for me all the time. So went for dinner and to the movies after that. Well, it's not that bad, i still could see Wenworth Miller. I also saw this other guy, i think he is married or maybe he is with his girlfriend. Streaking hot body. He wears a t-shirt and a soccer shorts. Nothing he wears are tight but you know, it,s like once you see you know he has a body to die for.
This story is kinda weird. I noticed him cause he is standing in front of me, with his back facing me. Everyone was sort of waiting there foe the cinema 9 to open. We waited for like 10 minutes and of course i kept looking at this hot guy. I know he did turn around and looked else where as when people wait they will tend to browse around. Nothing was gay about him. He is lovingly holding his girls hand once in a while. Finally when they finish housekeeping they open the cinema. So everyone take turns to go in. Coincidentally he lined up beside me. When we were about to go in, i let him pass first. It was like in slow motions, he passed by me, smiling, acknowledging me for letting him pass by me and he never took off his stares. It's so mesmerizing as i can see  better when it's near. His gaze or maybe stares were longer than usual. What was that?? It's really weird. Are the straights, straight now these? Or  my gay radar has gone bad?? After that stare, i felt so thirsty after that stare. I can't stop drinking my Coke. It's so bloody hot.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

So i did the dishes.

The next morning. LoL... Two and a half years ago when i bought this house. I have seen the tenant that lives directly opposite the beck of my home. That is like 10 feet apart. Two and a half years i saw him the second time. So odd. The back of our home has an alley , like 5 feet below. So every home has a few steps of concrete steps to go down. When i was doing the dishes, i don't know why this opposite guy opened his back door and sat on the steps. Directly in front of me. Whats worst is that he's wearing shorts. I was well tortured cause i can't see that far. I'm quite sure i would see his bulge if my eyes were at 20/20 Grrrr..... Washing greasy stuff with a stiff is no fun at all.. I can't even make sure if he is hot or not. But as usual i just smile to everyone i see to acknowledge their presence. I wished he talk to me, but he didn't. I always have theses wild kinky imagination of sneaking into my neighbor's house. Well, time would come. When the right guy wink and chat with me. :)

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Hmm.. what's the date today?

My eyes pressure are still up. If this goes on i have to under go a surgery. Frustrating!! Anyway life goes on and sometimes i wonder how does a gay couple works. Do the dominant ones acts likes he is a king like the straight couples? I wonder does a gay couple would do the dishes together and lay out the dinner together? Not just sit there and wait to be seated like straight couples?? I hate these straight guys. What era is this? I have two sister. One always would cook at home and pack some to bring over to her "king's" place and come back the next day with the Tupperware not washed. This happens EVERYDAY!!! and the other sister will always lay out the food for her "king" and after eating he just leaves to the living room. I can see waves at my eye brows when ever he does that. Isn't it a manner to help to clean up the dishes?? Why oh Why???

Thursday, September 2, 2010

The Greens

I have been gardening since i have stop working. I actually realize that pretty artificial like plants do exist. They need great attention. Phuuhh...... It is hard work but when you look at it, it pays off. Hahhah.... Days has been up and downs. I kept reviving parcels and also invoices fro various dispatch companies as my sister has moved her office back home. Was well excited. Well naughty thoughts in my head. Reality? They smell like pigs and not even one is visually attractive. There is one though. He is not good looking at all. I don't even want to look at him when i receive stuff from him. When he starts talking, my dick twitch a little. lol........ not a sexy voice but a very obedient but firm voice, at the same time corny. Hmmm..... hard to explain but the combination of his talk and his voice. Blasting. He makes me go all horny in a second, and I'm not wearing underwear. Imagine how fast i have to fleet!!! I do realize that i am bad sometimes, totally ignore the ugly ones, but once i notice there are some stuff in them that are to my liking. No matter his hands or the way he hold something or the way he walk or the way he speaks or him being gentlemen or even knows to takes care of other people. I will surely go GA GA over him.

Monday, August 30, 2010

This dick looks like my mood this weekend.

I had the worst weekend ever. I was all excited to go home untill my sisters decided to bring the dog. I have this thing with dogs. I can't take their natural dog smell. I will vomit. Imagine it's in an air conditioned car? Then i kept the window opened the whole journey. It's a house dog who never been two hours in the can add up the while month!!! She has to puke before me. The dog has to puke......

Thursday, August 26, 2010


Anything of pure simplicity is always hard to achieve or maybe to get. Don't you realize that to just sit and enjoy the scenery sipping a cup of coffee are usually done by rich people? You got to have money just to afford the simplest things in life.
I watched a show the other day. It's about this guy who really wants to hike one of this mountain and everything. So i guess he got the chance to do it but he has never trained to rock climb. Then he got trained a few days and start climbing this mountain. It takes him 3 days to reach the peak and obviously he cannot do it alone. So his trainer will climb with him. Now the thing is, while climbing it they depend on each other a lot. As they will stay overnight on the cliff and the srcurity stuff as well. So the dreamy guy is obviously gay. The trainer is obviously straight. When you see a man takes care of another man is really a very sweet thing. Especially when you know one is gay an one is not. The trainer should have some idea that he is gay. Still he kinda care for him like normal. Well actually not very normal. cause it looks like he is taking care of a gay (not woman) instead of a buddy. It should be different cause, you know how straights with their buddy. I have always have this thing avout guys taking care of another guy. It is a beautiful thing.
I hope there is a man to do that to me. :) I'm drooling already. i should stop for today.

Monday, August 23, 2010


I'm hungry all the time. I found these sweet potato my sister bought. So i peeled it and start eating it while watching the tv. Of course i ate it like I've never eaten before. I start licking it and start to indulge it. Then i realize it was 8 inches in length and it was around 2.5 to 3 inches wide. I am actually eating it like I'm giving a blowjob... LOl..!! Well i didn't know i could take such huge ones. It's no wonder guys always are breathless when ever i take them. It was kinda nuts though to actually have that thought while eating. Thank god i was alone. I would be flushed if anyone sees me blowing a potato. Aiks!!!  Anyway i have been smoking a lot. Why people always does things that they know will harm them and also insist of doing it. Hmmm..... Oh  this guy living opposite my house were checking me out today. I was gardening, squat down to water the plants. I must have looked quite .......... cause i was wearing white surf shorts and it's white. Am not wearing underwear plus my shorts is partly wet. Ha ha ha..... not intended. Maybe i looked ugly. Don't know. i wonder how does that guy looks like? As i can't see that far, hence i don't know how he looks like.

Friday, August 20, 2010

I am worried

Was following this blog by this 17 year old guy called Andy. Envious life, and full of stuff to talk about. I just love it whenever he dressed up and sweep his hair up. I wish there is a guy here that looks like that, but then again it wouldn't felt like him. Then there is this another blog that i followed by this guy called Josh. Hmm... he as been quiet for some time, after his blog of his love hates him. Hmmm....Kinda worried about him there.
Back to my sttory, I don't think my vision is getting better. It goes up and downs. With the medications that i'm taking have very bad side effects. I have red spots growing on my skin from the steroids i'm taking. It looks like i have some disease or  something Then the steroids are making my appetite grow. So i gain weight. 3kg to be exact. Then the steroids suppresses my immune system. So chances of  me getting any other sickness are higher. These really got me worried shit.
Anyway life goes on. Glad that the plants that i have been plantingda don't want to see strangers.  are growing. Hahahaa.... Didn't really went out,  as i have  red spots all over my neck and with my bloaated body, i kinda don't want to see anybody.  I really want my smooth body back!!!!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

I never realised

I want love but I've never realised how much i want it. Sorry guys for not blogging for some time. Kinda busy as i am not working, i tend to look for stuff to do. Hence i gave my hoe an extreme makeover. It just proofs i'm not gay enough. ZIt's messier than before. LOL....... Anyway about "the" LOVE. I have never realised i have wanted it so much. I actually had tears in my eyes when i see just a simple gesture of a guy worrying about another guy. IKinda think of it. I never ever had a guy really hugs me and comfort me or even when i want it i couldn't get it. I think i'm becoming a whore for love. At any moment now if any guy who actually worries about me i think i will melt and grief. Hahha.... lol....Well, things always happens in a weird way. Sometimes in a weird way it will never happens too.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Went out

Well, i went out again. Just normal outing with my sis. We both have this sudden obsession of doing gardening. We sweep the plants in the nursery. Anyway you know the nurseries here always are arranged in a way that there are only narrow path between the plants. Hmmm.... I cannot believe it how adventures it could be. There are always many plants there hence there are also many workers and many people walking around. Sometimes i get irritated by how many times i have to step aside to give way. well there i have difficulty seeing those plants. The gardeners there have to wear this big hat to makes things worst. When they walk pass it always hit my head and mess up my already messy hair. There again this gardener tries to walk pass again. He kinda insisted passing through in front of me. I didn't even look at him. then another guy wanted to pass again and then this same gardener (i guess. by instinct) want to pass again and again he wants to walk pass infront of me. T his time i kinda stared at him when he was right in front of me. Kinda have to face to face. I gasp for a while, as he is sexy. not good looking but his feature suggest sexy.!!!! He stared back at me and this time he brush his bulge against my bulge. I got shocked!! totally blank almost fainted and i don't know why , my sudden reaction was to grab his bulge. It was bloody embarrassing as it's happen even without thinking. When my senses came back i was still in shock and my first reaction was to look if there was anyone around. There isn't!! not even my sis. Does that means it was only him who kept passing by me??  Then he started rubbing my dick with his hand. God knows hos suddenly my dick were so hard and he manage to push it out of my underwear. He didn't even unzip my jeans.!! Then he manage to hold my penis head and start scratching it, while it's still in my jeans. I on the other hand is already holding his shaft. He is wearing a soft material pants, sort of like linen. It was so incredibly kinky that i almost cum, then he pull my hand and just walk one row to the back into one store room. He just knelt down and start giving me blowjobs!!!  Anyone in this situation will be in full heat and no way that you could hold yur cum.  So i cum in like 3 seconds (aiks!!) then i thought of returning the favour. I wanna pull out my dick but he doesn't let go. he continue sucking. OMG!!! That was like the ultimate weapon and my kinky desire. He sucked like a hungry baby, robust but silky at the same time. The suctions were precise and i can't moan. So i have to shut up but in pleasure. My whole body were throbbing and i cannot breath. Almost 10 munites i cum again. I grab his hair so hard and i think my toes were twisting in my shoes!! hahahaaa..... I wish i could give him more but my sis were calling my phone already that time. I have to go and we parted in a very wierd way i must say. Cause i was looking at him in a very very sorry way but then i really want this look. He smiled and say, it's okay, with a thank you. I never felt so guilty for not doing something wrong before. I just wish i had have hug and kissed him when i leave.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

It's Empty

Hmmm.... you ever felt like you have so much to do and everything seems to flash through your brain and at the end it's actually empty? I seems to have so much to do but i just can't decide where to start! What's worst is that i went out for my birthday dinner the other day. A simple walk around the mall makes me go crazy. There are actually so many stuff that i have been wanting to do. Like now, i just can't decide. This is frustrating. I have just gain 3kg due to my medications. I tend to eat a lot. I feel ugly to even walk put the door. It's just a month that i have been sitting at home and the world changes fast. Just a moment at the toilet the other day, and guys are very daring or shall i say des[erate. Well i know i do but since my vision is limited so i just don't look. The guys in the toilet instead are.... well you know standing beside you longer than usual. Well, though i can't look doesn't mean i can't have a hard on. The guy that was beside me was the waiter where i'm having my birthday dinner. Damm!!!! He is hot as far as i know. When he serve my table, i can see that he is lean and toned. When he lean forward to remove some plates , his bulge is right on the table. He place it right on the table. I think he knows how to work the table. Such a teaser. Back to the toilet..... I think i got nervous. I don't dare to look when i know he is standing there for so long. I eventually turn to look but i don't know why, i just can't see but i can see he is looking at me. Arrghhh...... at the end someone came in and we just went off. Well, it's good for him too, or else with the inner energy that i have reserved for that exercise. I'll suck him dry in one go. LOL.......

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

A Brother

Yup. yup. If you have been reading my blog, you would know i wanted a brother very much. Maybe i don't really want a brother but a MALE example to look at. You know where i could seek for help. Where i could hang out with. Where i know someone who would take care of me. Well i actually had one passed by but only a fraction of time. Anyway i suddenly start talking about this is because i was watching an anime just now. It's a straight anime. well at least that's what i know and i really hope the two guy charactor will get together. Anyway, This guy always ends up in trouble and always his best friend will be around to help him. Or maybe secretly protecting him. Yes it's all so sweet in a gays perspective., but to think of it. In real life we don't really have such thing. I'm not actually crazy for the love or the sex or anything but it's the pore sure and safe feeling that you will have when you are around him. Someone who you could call and actually talk about your probs without embarrassment and someone who you could cry on or someone who would actually know you just want someone to sit beside you and stay quiet if you didn't say anything. Yes moments like that sounds very fiction but it's also these sheer little moments that would heal you entirely. I always have enjoys getting wasted. I would drink and drink and always talks to strangers about whatever. Because i know tomorrow i will never see them again. Sometimes i will cry all by myself if i get drunk and get all sad and stuff. Such a pain to the world!!! But then again, I'm always like that because till today I've never met anyone who i could really cry on. Well this is just some stuff i felt like talking about in here. Maybe i would talk about my wasted days next. hahah.......


Did i mention that i have to take medication fpr the next two years? So my these medication would actually open doors for other sickness. Cancer and stuff. Hmm... never stops isn't it? Anyway i'm irritated by the fact that it gtill might never go okay. And now i cannot really do anything that i really want. I have a thing for delicate stuff. I love to see detailed stuff. Now i can't and i even cannot create one. Like sewing and stuff. I don't know how to feel these. I'm frustrated that it has become like that. I am overwhelmed by it but i don't know how to cry over it. At least there's an outlet. it's rea;;y a pain. Normal humans get sad then cry or grief over it and nest hapter. Beginning to think if i am even human. Maybe i'm not.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Okay!! about my birhtday

My birthday is around the corner and this year is not well. It's plain plain and too plain. Wonders will happen after it thought. I celebrated my birthday every year with noise and party. but this year seems to be missing of everyone and all the noise. That's why i felt silent. I think around my place here are lack of parks or even a lovely quiet place for humans to just gag at nature and the slow moment of the sun light. Well, you know me... i am always naughty. Secretly i would wish to see a real life beautifully structured man standing in front of me. Not nude though. I've never seen a real life man in just his underwear. Imagine that. It's always fully clothes, or fully nude. never in just underwear. So ridiculous. That's the way we always unintentionally skipped the beautiful moments that we actually craved for. Besides that i pray for my eyes to heal miracle and if not at least i could work wonders. What i planned to do next will really be my voice of showing the world. frankly speaking my work very much reflects my moods. Right now i only able to prepare my materials but i could not work on it. it's frustrating but hey it's only up to us work the miracle, right??  wish me luck guys.


Soon.... Just a few days more it's my birthday. I was in the mood to watch something that suits my mood. So i search my hanky panky collections. My collections aren't all porns. It's a mix of everything gay. Somehow i pick this up and just watch it..... hmmm........ you know what? i'm gonna continue later. When i wake up from my slep. Kinda tired. Aiks!!!
    Hahaha..... guess what? I can't sleep. So i came back down to continue my thoughts. The movie i pick up to watched is called "Les Chansons D'Amour" You know i never really watch this movie since i bought it sometime ago. I kinda forward to the part that i only wants to watch and i don't understand the language anyway. i never thought at times of need i just pick it up and embrace it. YUP!! embracing it. It's Beautiful. I regret not watching it in a way that i should earlier. I've always wanted to have such intimate moments like these two guys. Slow and steady. How they both actually look at each other and the deep appreciative stares towards each other. With music that hit's every fucking emotions that makes you cry without you knowing it. It's nice when you suddenly found an unknown treasure hiding in your pathetic room.

Thursday, July 22, 2010


I had a dream. I got on a bike with this guy. About this guy....I use to have a crush on this guy. He is 4 years younger than me. When you goes out with him you felt like he is the protector. You will feel totally safe whenever he is around. I use to go out party with him, his girlfriend who is Bumble Bee's best friend and i am Bumble Bee's friend. He always never failed taking care of us all. He actually would give all 3 of us the equal amount of attention. Amazing. it's so flattering and perfect only that i couldn't hug him and give him a gratitude kiss. yes of course he knows I'm a gay. Even his girlfriend knows i have a crush on him. Still he never despise me, instead he does things to make sure i never felt that i should keep my distance, Like after taking a group picture he will ask to take a picture with just me, or he would pour wine for me. It's complete gentlemen. Well with these happening you also would actually get it that it was purely respect out of him and not any hanky panky stuff. These is the exact quality of him that drives me complete crazy. Well i am a crazy party slut. But i never forget to make sure he is safe as well. So i will never keep him out of my sight. He got married though. One son now. We didn't keep in touch. SAD. Maybe it's for the best. I always have this ability to end up having sex with straight guys. Anyway back to my dream. As i was on the bike i intentionally place both of my hands near his bulge as i need a grip to sit at the back of the bike.  So it's like hugging him from the back but not intimately. When the bike starts moving my hands slides back a little bit more and officially touching his bulge. He took one of my hand straight away. I became scared and nervous, but he didn't let go but instead he place my hand right at his chest and just hold it firmly there. ???? So i kept my other hand right where it was. When the bike moves on bumpy roads, my hand is basically tapping on his bulge. Hmmmm..... mind blasting. While he is still holding my hand on his chest we passed by this building and he mentioned to me that he got married there. We talked about his wife and at the same time i opened me hand to give him a squeeze on his bulge then my alarm rang!!!! I tried to sleep again. Then i realized I'm just faking my sleep and deceiving myself. So i woke up And so did my dick. The whole day i can't void the image of the dream off my head. My semi hard on won't go away and now too I'm throbbing. I masturbated so many times today. The thought of him was so intense that i have to masturbate with Ky and kept on rubbing my head, as my head are the most sensitive part of my dick. I usually don't do that, but today i need maximum intensity to take my mind off him. When i rub my rough fingers along my head with my foreskin pulled back. The sensation was unbearable and my whole body was throbbing. I felt like howling. My eyes are  tightly shut and i have to bite my pillow so that i don't howl. Hahahha...... I cummed loads and still my dick is in the semi hard state. I never thought such a simple dream would get me so hypnotized. Still i missed him much. I hope i would see him again one day.

Friday, July 16, 2010


It's a little bit better today. I got up at 10.30am today. So yeah i didn't go jogging again. I must be very tired since i can't wake up. So i got up and clear some dishes and wash some of my clothes. I have this thing when i do my laundry. I will choose what and which colour to wash. When i hang it out to dry i want it to be visually exciting. *Nuts!! Aren't i? Yeah so i washed some of my underwear too. Somehow i got hirny when i hang them outside. again *nuts!! There are some constructions going on nearby. With those guys there and i'm hanging my underwear.... hmmmm it's somehow felt sensual. Hahahah... such a perv. Anyway, it then got all wet again when i didn't realise the rain. So now i have to wash it again so that it doesn't smell. I'm always happy when i see mu laundry. I've got very colourful underwears. :)

Thursday, July 15, 2010


My alarm is at 5.30am and i woke up at 2pm. hahha....... such a twat. What a pig. So i failed today. So i actually washed all my dishes and cleaned some place. Let my sister's dog out. I've never mentioned about this dog i think. never likes dog. Well i do but hate their body odor. I tend to hate fishy smell. So I'm very picky when it comes to fish. The dog never seems to be tired at all times. it's so irritating. Even though i play catching with her I'm already tired and she is still standing and kept sticking by my side. That;s a great dog if she doesn't smell like one. Hmmm..... Well at least i tried Do i got this injection on my left hand and i was told not to touch it or apply any cream on it or scratch it. So that they could take the reading after 3 days. Hmmm.... i think i scratched it. Anyway my quest to be healthy is still on. Hpe there is some cute lads at the park when i do my jogging. Then again i wonder is there any human that would wake up 5 in the morning to exercise. lol.....

Series of Test

I didn't know there is a urine test and also so many injections involved. taken all the test and only will know my results on Saturday and my blood test results on Monday. While i took the x-ray i have to strip half naked and i wasn't given any robe to wear on. i was there in a mufti glass lab being watch by everyone who walks by, Didn't wear my belt cause i thought i would have the green robe to wear. So standing there with half of my underwear hanging out and being handled by an Indian lady. Well she's young but look washed off. I felt like being vision raped by everyone. Whats worst was when i came out, there is these three old lady on wheel chairs smirking at me. Ah.... that makes me felt so embarrassed. It's not like I'm sexy. Arrghh.... well the series of test actually are backing up my sister's worries. That is my smoking habit. Well obviously i have to slow down my smoking and eventually stop it. so that's why i planned to go jogging tomorrow morning. Oh... i havent look for my pants and my top yet and my shoes. Well what ever comes after this i think i may not take it but i hope i could keep my healthy habbit. That's the least i could do right?

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


 Okay... tomorrow i'm having my bllod test. My skin test and gonna take x-rays of my lungs. Hmmmm.... I woke up this morning and felt rather bold. Dry. I think if any guy now walks over and offer me a hug and tells me everything is going to be alright. I'll marry him right away. Hahhhaa..... I know.. I know... this shouldn't be going on. Things already happen and i should be accepting it. Millions are worst than me right? That's one part that i hate about my self. I've never let myself completely loose. As much as i want to weep like a baby and just let it out, i always ends up comforting myself to be okay. I guess i should be okay. Hope everything doesn't get's worst. I actually felt hurt. It's actually very pain. Alright, let's pray that everything will be better for me. It has to be okay. I can't affort to hust my siblings and my parents anymore. I need Hope. Some hope.

Monday, July 12, 2010

What can I say?

Okay, I have been out scouting for doctors for my eyes. My family too are always not satisfied with what my current doctor's review. I have been to one doctor in two other hospital. I even went to pray. Chinese always belief there might have something to do with witchcraft or spirits. I let my uncle bringing a Feng Shui master over to clense my home. All these has never stops since January. Little quarreling with my mom cause i refuse to swap or even get so many different opinions from so many other doctors. I believe in my current one. I take extra precautions to care for my eyes . Gone through difficult decissions and misery. now i quit my job solely just to rest and cure my eyes. I stop working just means i stopped my bread and butter. I have no savings. So that means, financially i'm fucked up.  oday i was forced to visit a new doctor in the same hospital as my current doctor. So i went. As usual all the question of my medical history and was there at 8.30 in the morning. At 1pm i was refered to another doctor who seems to be specialised in my problems. It's the veins of my freakin' eyes. Then another session f questions and scanning, bright lights in my eyes and billions of eye drops. Then i was being scolded for visiting her after so late. LATE? Yes! my left eye is permanently damage. She will try to safe my right eye. All the treatment that i have been going through all these while is not the correct treatment. It also seems this eye problem has something to do with my gene. I've got fucked up gene that naturally my antibody is hyper sensitive. I am bound to get this somewhere down the road. Anything even as simpla as stress would cause the damage of my eyes. This is actually is a life long thing. Might not be able to heal but could be cintroll. I always try and deliver my best at work. I always have kept myself from getting sick and any slight sign i'll gulp down medicines to prevent it from getting worst, solely because i want to get to work. Imagine. Just because i don't allow myself to get sick, might be one of the cause of the condition of my eyes now. How ironic. This is unbelievabe. So now i could say that we have finally found the right doctor to heal my eyes.  This doctor's room is at the same level with my current 4 months doctor. What's worst is that it's only the nest room too. What kind of joke is this? I am worried shit, so much money has been spend on medication. It's all useless?? and the actuall correct help is just next door? This is sick!! It's really a sick joke. I want my visions bavk. The thought of me going blind in the future really freaks me out!! I wanted to gry. but my sis is around i can't do that as i will potray that i lost hope. They have helped me plenty. I want to cry. I want my visions back......

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Bumble Bee

He didn't turn up. apparently both party has no transport. Kinda disappointeded but also kinda felt relief. I really don't know how i would take in such moment. Well he is gonna be around for the next two days.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Bumble Bee

He came back and wanted to visit my sister and that means he is visiting me as well. When i heard that i got a slight stunt. I'm afraid I'll cry. I have been keeping him out of my mind since. Well sometimes think of him but never contacted him. How? really !! I'm afraid i will cry, and i can't do that in front of my sisters. He only still text my sister. So far i get updates of him when my sister speaks of him. My hair is ugly. I'm in a bad condition. OMG!! Now i have to prepare his birthday present. Arrghh.. this is not good. Secretly excited though. I felt like i should be hiding when he arrives.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Im true definition i'm blind

Thats what my doctor said. I have to cut down smoking and eventually stop smoking. Well if that's for the best, i have to do it. You know every time when i go visit my doctor i secretly would have a semi hard on. Thats just so pervy of me.  It's just the environment and if there is a male nurse walks by my radar will go nuts!!!! Ha Ha.... so inappropriate. Well...... now that i have to rest at home and be good. So i have to figure out more actions in a different way. Sly May be i should order more pizzas or deliveries. At least i have some fresh lads to look at. Oh... i remember, the guy who delivers the gas are super cute.!!! Oh, imagine .... time like this i still think of guys... O I;m soooo bored!!!!

Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Sorry i haven't been blogging lately. My eyes got worst again and i finally and so happened at the same time my sister hurt her back and could walk for some time. thank god it didn't got worst. It will recover and she could be walking again in no time. Well. i feel like laughing when it all happens. I woke up and i can't see well. So i stop working immediately. Then the next day i got the news of my sister. Out of my worries and sadness i felt likee laughing. Well what are the odds or shall i say why are the odds are not odds? (hmmmm.... what am i talking about?) Now i have to rest well, sleep well and eat well so that my eyes heal well. So i haven't been following the beautiful all male game of world cup.:( Suddenly i got the urge to hug and actually smell the neck of a guy. I need some comfort. Aiks!!!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Don't know what to think.

Stupid. I finally told my manager that i want to resign. Finally, finally. Somehow i can't wait to leave that place. I hate it when the staff that you thought is the wisest are all twisted. It's so disappointing. I just hate people is that. I just find it sad as i just found a star between my staffs. It turns out to be a selfish bastard. It's just ridiculous. Felt like being shot!! I need a man to hug me. How i wish there is a guy tall and big enough to hug me. Hmmm... so sweet. ;)

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


"It catches up really fast. We have to deal with our past. I know it's painful but there you'll find specialness cause everybody needs to feel real special. We need to remember the love lies deep within ourself. We have to bought it so it starts with us and nobody else. We must learn, we are born with specialness inside of us. I have the need to feel real special." By Janet Jackson (Special)  I accidentally listen to this song and when you are low. You seems to listen. I mean really "listen" to songs don't you think?? Anyway it makes sense. and i think i need such words. Today i told my sis a "decision" I want to quit and i'm really not happy working there. As i am typing this i am still listening to Janet Jackson. I barely remember whats in Velvet Rope. Suddenly a song that i use to adore played. Don't you think usually at this time we cry? I am typing with tears now. Life is just so hard. it is so bloody hard. I never thought i would have to endure this. Well i am prepared but i didn't think that i will loose my will to fight. My excitement to work are all gone. I use to can't wait to start work. Now, i just wants to stay at home and do things in slow motions. I rather clean than going through magazines. I rather sew than going through channel E. I rather do gardening than going out hunting. I rather listen to Frank Sinatra than Christina's Dirty. Are these  all a getting old syndrome?? I can't part with coffee but i'm beginning to love tea. OMG!!!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

I Had A Dream

I had a dream. I was talking to this guy. We were lying down in my room. It started with me starring at his face. We were chatting happily and i only can see his face, Suddenly i realized that i an admiring at his skin. His smooth face and his beautiful neck was mesmerizing me. It looks silky and it's like glowing, It's like those fairies in LOTR. after a while i notice that i am looking at his penis. His super soft skin , matt but smooth with a hint of some green veins, lying down elegantly on his soft pubic hair. Then his body and his legs. The dream was very sensual. It,s like i am looking at a priceless living thing. Then in a flesh i realize that i am smelling his face. This guy in my dream is not gay. He is straight, but somehow was actually being protected by me. He seems to be taking comfort from me. The whole dreamy dream was so sensual and picturesque.  I woke up eventually. Then i realized that the guy in my dream was one of my staff i work with 5 years ago. How Ironic. He is straight and he is bloody handsome. As beautiful as Legolas.

Saturday, June 12, 2010


This is ugly. What i'm going through now is really ugly. Realistically. I am not showing any sings that i'm not happy. I'm not happy.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Just it

It's late and I'm suppose to be sleeping. Well gonna sleep after this. I actually did text Bumble bee. Happy birthday i said. he only reply "Thanks" Just it. It hurts when i know he is actually at home and not out celebrating. My sister text him too. That's why i know. Well, i wish him all the best and hope he is having fun all the time so that hr doesn't miss home so much. Me on my part I'm struggling to decide what should i do. My fob i mean. this is such agony!!!

Monday, June 7, 2010


It;s Bumble Bee's birthday on the 9th. I wonder will i text him or not. I missed him much actually. Day's has been okay. My vision are getting better but nit fast enough. It's just  a matter of time till something happens. Where i work now is more to a home area. So many customers are actually very family kind of crowd. So you can see nice smiley faces and some with very very hot sons walking around or maybe their very very hot brother accompanying them. Can't wait till my eyes are healed soon. Oh please god!!!