Monday, April 7, 2014


I feel useless. At work I meant. In the beginning I'm okay cause I still could help out by researching for ideas. Then when it comes to the designing and video making part. I am useless to them. I know this is a sympathetic choice for them but " I " who is the beneficiary, felt kinda bad. Well, to practicalize their decision, I help to do chores and errands.
I felt small, when all the young kids are at work. I feel stupid. Ashamed. Cause I have zero knowledge on what they are doing. What's worst is that they have to look up at me and respect me as a manager but I know nothing. An empty shell.
This is quite a big obstacle for me. I'm not saying I'm going to quit because of this. It's that I have to make sure I would be able to endure this. It's gonna be a tough time. Hope I am able to withstand the sure to come embarrassment.
I think I need a psychiatrist. I have these phobia haunting me after my dad's death. I constantly felt this enormous fear that someone may not wake up in the morning. I would go check on everyone in the middle of the night. Just to make sure that they are still breathing. When my sis goes out, I can't sleep till I know that she's return. Sometimes I get these overwhelming worries till I can't breathe. 
It's not that I can't except the reality. I am well aware that I should live on and be happy. Live life smartly. I just don't understand why I can't shake these worries off. I hope in time I'll be okay.

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