Came Out

I think i just came out to my sister. All of a sudden i was all moody and she ask me why. I am quite bored with this constant irritation from this feeling. So i just started talking and i was using "That person"  "This person" at first and then  later she ask me question like "Is he gay then?"  that's when i realize that i am using  "HE" instead of "that person" When i realized that,  i don't know what to do. I just went along and talk as if i did not "just came out" LOLzz.......It 'felt funny cause both of us did not "went all weird"  but instead the conversation went as normal as any other conversation....Aiks!!!

I

I clicked "Turning Tables" and It appear "I can't make you love me" It's like something sending me messages. Lolzz.... I was telling myself that i am not going to click that song because of the title and "poof" that song appeared. Anyway it's a nice song. Love the singer. Love the pianist. Love the rhythm. Love the music. Don't like the lyric. (temporarily)

Believe

What are you doing?? This is the time that i am all slothy and melting you tell me things like that? GOD is my only hope now my only light now. At the back of my head, GOD is the only one who can revive me from all these. God is the only reason that i am still sitting here smiling talking to you instead of me doing some crazy stuff!! And you tell me you are a science man and GOD doesn't exist?? You can believe what ever shit you want but that doesn't gives you the right to question my believes!! Worst of all at times like these??? How insensitive of you!!

Some shit Rafflesia gave me. Some science man!!!

Sticky

This feeling is enthusiastically sticky. It's numb...It's uneasy...It's messy ....It's helpless...It's stopping me from doing everything. Even boiling water seem so sad. hah...i think i just made myself laugh there. How pathetic is that?? I just hope i could make peace with it soon. 

Why This?

I just finished bathing. It's just so quiet around here. Listening to Adele....Nice music but dreaful lyric. No one is around. Felt almost cruel.  So cold. So cruel. So eerie. 

Sexy Dorks

I tilt my head back and arch my back imagining myself floating while listening to this. It's comforting and lifts us up. Don't you think?

Samir

If i say i didn't feel even a bit of less fortunate? I would be lying. I missed him dearly. Thank god he did text me again from the airport and he hasn't text me yet from Nepal. Hmm........still feeling a bit less...but i do understand that he is super tired of the journey. Plane got delayed 6.45 hours and he should be resting now. Hope he gets a good sleep and remembers to drink more water. :) I understand that he is not obligated to text me again., then again if he does it, it just settles me down more by knowing that he is fine.  But hey it has been great. Beggars can't be choosers. Trying to deal my time with attempting to start something. So far i am still okay. He did ask me to smoke lesser and refuses to sell me cigarates on the last day of him working. He did sold me a pack anyway,  after showing him i have none left. Maybe i should really work on that. You must be shaking your head right now, reading this and thinking that this may seem like a lost cause At least i have some mission to attend to. To take my mind away. Don't you think?. He would come back again in future. Will we meet again? That's a probability. Anyway how could i be around when he needed a friend, if i crumbles now. I should and have to satay strong, be it for him or i know i should do it for my self because ......life still goes on.

Day 13 ,  5th Sept 2012
Not that i wanna be clingy or anything but it really is at the back of my head. Today would be the 16th day i have not seen you. I must say i missed you like shit. Since day one it has been difficult. It's just lonely and it keeps on repeating being so. It's like it's not cruel enough that the creator kept on repeating this scene again and again. Just that i thought i am okay and gonna move a slight pace. I am back again in this scary chilled moment again. I just came back from Malacca sending my sis back for good. So now again i am left all alone again. Just this afternoon i thought i am excited to start something. The way back from Malacca was scary and eerie. I am so afraid to reach home to feel that i am all alone again. Usually at times like this i will go and find you to have a little chat and get ciggy and a Lemon drink. Now i can't anymore cause you are not here already. The everyday ten minutes that i spend with you made me unconsciously re-arrange and altered my life adapting and including you in my daily life routine. You never been to my house but everything here reminds me of you. Hahah...even when i open my fridge i still have balance of fruits i bought for you. Cry is so commonly used by me these days. Then again i never get to really cry and fully flush my system. I really don't know why you have such an Impact in my life. I can't sleep. I can't seem to lift up my self to do things. You didn't text me from Nepal letting me know that you are alright. I somehow am super super missed you. Arrrghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 14  6th Sept 2012
The thought of you being intimate with anyone at all really kills me. I can't bare it. 

Day 17 9th Sept 2012
Hey...i broke up with Kent yesterday. Hmm...this just mean days are getting lonelier. How come i would think of you so much? I cannot stop thinking of every time when i saw you in 7E. Your voice really kept lingers in my ears. Your image never stops reappearing in my face. I am really happy that i have ever met you but you know at the same time it gives me as much pain as well. Is it reallyy i love you that much or it's just the situation that makes me so? I have liked so many guys. Straight and gay. Everytime i end up cannot love them and always end up like now. Boiling my mind thinking of them. You know i love you so much that i am so afraid that you would contact me again when you come back. I afraid that i can't contain my self. I hope i get to make peace with this feeling so that i can continue to love you without pain. 

Day 22 14th Sept 2012
LOLZZ....i think i have made you as my diary within my diary..which is this blog. YOU called. You actually called. When i know that you are alright It almost made me felt lighter almost a ton!!   As much as i may deny it but knowing that you are alright just lifted me up and i am smiling more. I went out today. Seeing actual people and i was so fine till i get back. No one is at home and when i am trying to sleep...i felt scared cause of the sudden silence and the night is cold. Then i remembered usually when i feel so i will walk over to find you at 7E. I wish i would be able to just lie down beside you smelling your forehead and hear you breathe. I missed you.     

Day 23 15thSept 2012          
Why do i always get a number that i couldn't get to you directly? Maybe i am over thinking it. What am i doing. I really am trying to feel this casually. I want to start to feel okay with it, but no matter how...i am thinking of you. I don't dare to look at nice girls now cause when i do? I tend to see you being intimate with a girl. It kills me to see that vision. I tell myself not to think of you or built my feelings deeper for you and i really don't know why i kept on thinking what i can do for you. Every time when i see you or like that day when you called.  Why i didn't speak much? It's Because i know that you are okay, almost instantly i could feel like " wow..i am actually not that much into you. I feel i can let go. I actually can do this...i actually can forget about you. Not a big deal. It's that bold. but The truth is that because i heard your voice and felt that you are safe so the worst doesn't matter anymore. at the same time at the back of my head....I am thinking what should i do to improve my life so that it could benefit you... I am thinking what fruit i can buy for you next time. I am  I am worried about you. What is this that i am going through? Does this meant love? Why do i always love guys that cannot love me back? 

Day 25 17th Sept 2012
Yeah...you felt it right. There is something wrong between me and Ken. I am sorry that i didn't tall you the truth about Ken (Rafflesia) Thanks for noticing that i would have no other friends when i don't meet him and thanks for knowing that i would be bloody lonely. Loneliness is hitting me now. Yeah exactly now. I can take quiet and lonely usually but this now? It's giving me chills. It's so quiet that i am scared now Samir. Terrified almost. I am actually trembling now.I kept on try to distract myself and these feelings kept coming back. 
You know i use to complaint that why i never cry. Now i am always teary when i thought of you. Am i actually really missing you or i am actually missing the civilization? But the reality now i think i am missing you loads because you have been my muse all these while. So without you and i don't see rafflesia....i am amazingly lonely. I am so scared now samir. So scared. 

Day 26 18th Sept 2012
Owh..it's just been a day and i am writing to you again. I think when you were here i imagine stuff. I always imagine that you were sitting in my kitchen island drinking..well not coffee cause you'll have headache after drinking coffee. Well tea or milo maybe. When i cook i always imagine if you would like it. I think i took up cooking cause i was preparing for you to come over. I always make sure my home has some healthy food lying around, in case if you pop by. Awh...i tend to wait and do my gardening at 8am onward. Hoping that you'll walk by. That's why the morning breeze reminds me of you. I guess you took a different route entirely. I always tidy my bed right after i wake up in case you pop up. I always change my bed sheets to fresh ones cause i don't want it to smell if you ever sleep on it. I always imagine that you'll be sitting at my dining table. When i see a beautiful day like now...the sun shines brightly i would see you smile. Imagining you me enjoying the sun with you. I remembered once when one of the house near my place alarm went off at the wee morning. I grab my keys and head straight to 7E cause i couldn't bare the thought of 7E being rob and you're in it. I still have an apple that i bought for you on my table now. I still have an empty bottle of the lemon juice i bought from you on my table now. I have the last pack of ciggy you sold to me. I kept the seed of the apricot i bought for you. couldn't give it to you when i bought it cause you wasn't working night shift for a few days and i have to eat it. So i kept the seed. There is a mineral bottle that i bought from you in my fridge now i use as my cold water bottle. I don't know why i am so into you. It's like i am in a trance. I foolishly incorporate you in every detail of my life. Everything. Imagine now i have to do everything the opposite so that i could love you without paain. It's a lot. ...of pain.  Why do i always fall for the impossible? 

Day 28 20th Sept 2012
I am feeling less tense now. Neveryheless i am still thinking of you. I love you much. I just wanna fond you. Smell your forehead. and pat you to sleep. Well, ...hope that you are fine over there. Really i hope you pass everyday pleasantly. I know with the condition of your hometown and with the power cut all the time irritates you. Well..i hope you try to enjoy your days there and please be safe. Really missing you much here. Miss you Miss you. 

Day 29 21st Sept 2012
I kept on feeling this FEAR. My hands shakes . My body shakes like i'm so cold when i am in this state. I kept on trying to not call you. I don't want to scare you off. I really really wanna hear your voice. I have to go to Shell taday and i am actually scared to go there. I didn't go there for so long. That area actually. Near 7E. I am really scared i will feel shitty. And the truth speaks loudly. Saw your friend and he mentioned your name. Now i gone back to miss you much. Have faith they say. You know it's so weird that i know you have said that you are straight and we made it clear we are good friends. But why am i feeling all this pain? Why am i still expecting miracles? Please keep yourself safe. Every fibre in me misses you with vengeance. 
You know all this while i really need to actually hug someone and talk about this. And that someone is what i don't have and don't get. I just want to feel safe and not trembling on the tip of Mount Everest. You take care when you visit mount Everest though. Please be safe. I pray ..i pray for you everyday. 
I don't dare to think of having sex. Cause i think i am doing you wrong. So i have been forbidding myself. How can my heart be crushed like this. I know you are not to blame. I even know people just thinks that i can't let go of someone cute. Then again ...if it's not your qualities in you that i see. I won't feel so. You hit ever desired note in me. 

Day 30 22 Sept 2012
I just thought of you starting your work at the bank wearing office wear. I can imagine how amazingly attractive you would be and i really can't bare the thought of so many girls get attracted to you. I don't even dare to watch wild porn or rough sex now cause every time i see i would be scared that someone might do that to you. I have to avoid thinking so but I really cannot stop thinking of you. How Samir...i am so useless... i told you  we would be good friends but instead i pray every night for your safety and so that you would be my boyfriend. I am even willing to swap my heart to be your boyfriend. Please help me go through this Samir. 

Day 33 25th Sept 2012
I saw the mountain avalanche news on yahoo and got worried. Text you but you didn't reply. Hmm...hope that you are fine. I am glad that you texted me the other day. I am glad you turn to me for help. I hope you are doing fine over there. I did pray for you. You take care. 

Day 39 1st Oct 2012
I don't know why when you seek for my help for money i am all for it. I instantly felt that's its okay. I have no worries and what so ever. Is this happiness blinded by my love for you? Hmmm...its like almost don't care if there is any trick in this. When i called you yesterday....you sound agitated. Hope your mood is better today. Will people call me stupid for doing this? YES of course. I trust you i guess. Samir i hope this would be a beautiful relationship. I know i am messy and disgustingly sticky. Please don't hurt me. No matter how it goes please watch my heart as i love you with my soul. 

Day 45 7th Oct 2012
I wonder how are you now. I love. I want .I care and i almost are giving up thinking of you cause i am mentally convinced that you would be mine. Convinced by who? Of course by my ever hopeful self. Anyway i really don't need people telling me that i have to stop loving. I bloody won't stop loving you Samir Purkuti. I need someone to share these feeling with me so that i won't feel so heavy carrying it alone. Anyway...i hope you are sincere to me in every way, in whatever way. Just do't hurt me. I haven't heard from you since the 3rd of oct. With all my fibre in my being. I really do wish that you are okay now. Please be. I hope to hear from you soon. 

Day 48 10th Oct 2012
I really do love you do you know that? You stirs me. My every fibre are preparing to serve you. 

Day 49 11th Oct 2012
Just when i thought i dont miss you that much i start to think immensely of   you. i super think of you. I hope  that everything is okay with you. I really  hope i could be your boyfriend. I want to take care of you. I will dedicate my life for you Samir. This does not feel good when you dont respond to me. t hanks for answering my call. I love i love you immensely.

Day 73 3rd Nov 2012
Thank you Samir for texting me your appreciation. Thank you Samir for saying that you wouldn't forget my help. Thank you Samir that you actually gave me your second number. I bloody appreciate it. I guess right now all i could do is pray for your safety and really be contented with what you have done. Hahah..  again what little that you have done ...  but it meant really huge to me. I missed you much. I hope no matter how this would turn to be a great beautiful relationship. 

Wishing Him Well 2

I did tell too early after all. Chatted with my friend on the phone for almost the whole night. Well actually until the morning. Like i say these happens in the worst time ever. My friend is not around (first one i called to inform about the "prob") (didn't even bother to text..at ALL) ...the whole place is practically in silent mode. And the weather has to be chilling!! (It makes smoking nicer actually).But i felt like Fever.  The situation makes ....me almost came out to my sister about it...but hmm...i was laying on her lap and i was all mellow. She didn't ask me a thing!!! That was like  the first  time ever i EVER lay my head down on her lap.  I can't believe it that she didn't ask me a thing!! iiSH!!!!! I did felt like crying cause that's  normally what people does at situations like that. Amazingly i have no urge to cry. I guess it's because i have no regrets in this matter. I have visited him when i want to visit. I have done what i want to to do. I have bought him what i want to buy and i have confessed. So no regrets. I am surprised of how i felt ... this is how it feels like when you have done everything and left no "what if's"   So at the end i am only worried of his "being". To be frank the duration is just around 13 hours and these are really super agonizing times. All i can think of is that is he physically alright? I don't even felt cheated or anything, just  "Hope he is okay?" Then in the morning, he texted me to apologize. Well, after all the agony hours of not knowing what happened to him and wishing him safe is all I've asked for? This is a blessing. I am really really really glad that now i know he is well. Thank you guys if you had worried or wished for me. I appreciate it.  

Samir, Thank you  for replying. :)

Wish Him Well.

I don't know if this is too early to tell. He didn't call for dinner. He didn't answer his call too. I am worried what has happened to him. Please Just show me a sign that he is well and fine. Yeah i know the line has been drawn. I will still always love him and wish him well. Really please..i don't care dinner......i wish nothing bad had happened to him. 

Such Timing

It couldn't get any worst. Hahah....I can't find 7E anymore cause he is not working there anymore. So that means one activity is out. Then my friend is back to Ipoh for the holidays till Next Monday. Another activity is gone then the place where i usually goes drinking at night only gonna resume business  on Thursday. These happens at the worst timing ever!!!  Hahahhaah...i don't even know is it a normal reaction or not for me to still be laughing. :)

Sweet Text

A text from him this morning. I sent a thank you text to him after meeting yesterday. Then he replied.....

"Okay no problem, we are special friend until forever. Thanks lot for everything."

Actually just to FYI you guys. Hmmm.... got to be strong. :)

It's Nice

I confessed. After the Shiela Majid episode made my tears can't stop flowing. My tears ran loose ridiculously.

I confessed. He took it...well and he says he is straight and he knows that i liked him all the time. I thank him for not avoiding me  even when he knows it. I put out my hand when i say don't worry..i totally understand and we are good friends forever....then he grasp my hand  then i added no matter what ...i will still always care for him...and please don't hesitate to ask for anything. We shook hands. After the confession..our conversations were more like buddy type and more daring. 

 The main reason is not to be in the dark anymore and at least it ends my "hope" of "hoping". I know even i confessed i will still feel pain. Like how now i felt numb and shaky like a terrified dog but at least he gets it that i have no intentions towards him anymore. I mean so that he doesn't need to always fear of me anymore. This way... both of us felt more freedom and for me? I at least have eliminated a part of my pain. Though no doubt i still misses him...awh so much. Though now i really need someone to hold me tight so that i stop trembling, and a good cry on an actual shoulder will help much. The fact that i am still sad, but it's the realistic process i have to bare cause don't think my emotions or feeling could change that fast. 

I am happy though on how much it changes his attitude towards me. I hope i could live up to my decisions. 

Exciting

His flight  changed to five days earlier. Thursday morning 2a.m. and that means by Wednesday evening he has to prepare to go. Monday is his last day working till 8 am. so He would need to rest and only Tuesday is available. He did promised. But who knows if he is gonna call or not. That is out of my control. So to be exact...i have only today and tomorrow to see him. 

Picture? Crushed

No I am not that strong. I can't do it no matter how i try. I am feeling like an ice cold soul drifting through the hottest desert. It's because he kept on talking and talking and talking about himself and suddenly he gave me a picture of himself to keep. I felt crushed!! I don't know what does this mean? I know straight guys from his country holds hands even as friends. It's like a culture clash. Does he meant it in a Malaysian way or Nepalese way? He even speaks of future...like travelling together and all..but he says after three years lah. This left me stranded. I felt like i am in a mummification process that happens in thousand of years all in an hour and it kept repeating every hour. I am afraid if i confess i might jeopardize our date for dinner in a few days time. I really can't bare to loose this "thing". I use to say that always be contented and things will work out naturally. It's really different when you are really in the situation. Suddenly you felt really obnoxiously lost. 

Super Powerrrr

It's officially tested and proven that ONE really needs super power to do such confession. I cchickened out. He anxiously talks for the first half an hour and i just can't bare to spoil that. We chatted till 6am. I pinched my self all the way home. Then today at 11.18am he texted me "Thanks for always care about me." Whoahhhhhhhh......... My hands are shaking as i am typing this. Phhooooohhhh...i can't see him tonight as it's his off day. I am confessing the next time i see him. I will right? Losing this friendship would kill me. Then again i have to do it right. Guys you are right.

Super Power, I Need.

I am feeling otherwise. What ever signals he is sending, maybe he didn't  but as of his reactions. ...i am reading it as there is something else there. I know these are the "Usually" "Wrong" or "Misinterpretation" when a gay guy loves a straight guy. Suddenly "Everything" seems to meant something right? I felt a vibe from him. When i am with a friend he shut himself down and act that he is not friendly to me like he is part of the cashier. But when i am alone he gives me a vibe like i am standing in an inviting beautiful garden. The air is fresher. lighter and the lights are brighter with pretty dews. My friend is calling me a liar for saying that he talks that much to me. This guessing game..is driving me nuts. I might just shoot the question..later at 4.33am. Super Power now would be a good time to come to me.

It's Really something.

I have decided to let these following days to be as normal as possible. I rather we stays as friend. I dare not gamble on it. But as plain as i want it to get? the more thick the feeling grows. These days i have to gut myself ever more when i am walking towards him. It's just pure massive feeling of fond. Everyday it grew. Everyday my stare towards him gets more intense. I am surprised myself that sex is not what i want. Everyday my nerves trembles when he greets me. My hands shakes. I can feel my body trembles. I think i need super power to contain myself. 

Whatt?

Have you ever felt dumbfounded? I was at Starbucks alone. Sat beside a group of people. They seem to chat about stuff that are more detailed. For the first time i have nothing to add to what they speak of. It's like i am from out of this world. lolzz...... Then  in that group the least attractive one ends up to be the most desirable ones and the most attractive one just stood there smoking. Hmm... profoundly surprised!!

Really? What would this be?

Here i am wooing a straight guy hoping that miracles do happens. Then there another straight guy is wooing me. Then an accident happened. Well more like a transaction for an unofficial sex partner.

In the mids of wooing this precious 7E...i do still distribute fliers out there...hoping to get attention from my own species. A more realistic conquest and logically makes more sense. Then a straight guy responded to my fliers. Hahhaha... yay!! lucky me. Then it turns out that this straight guy fits almost all my criteria of my prince charming. Nothing comes conveniently. Already demanding me to buy stuff for him. Actually buying stuff is not a problem but you wanna "make" me buy it for you after the 3rd time meeting? Hmmm.... 

Then there is this unofficial sex partner. Total opposite of what i would like my life partner to be. Hang out together quite a lot and grew to dislike him as a person. I think he has an ugly soul. But as a friend he is okay. Sexed a few times due to "helping" each other out. That is like  years ago. Never had sex after that and i always avoid it cause i think that his soul is disgustingly ugly. He wanted to see a picture of my friends dick. I don't wanna show cause he actually met the owner of that dick before. I refuse. He sort of begged me and couldn't get off that subject. We were in the car beside a playground at that time. At Night. So i know he didn't had sex for a long time already. So to change the subject, i grab his bulge in a playful way and sort of like scratch it. What else? He got hard and wanted a bj. So it's a deal.

 After that i left my ring in his car, and he left his ring in my room. The next day..when i text him for my ring....when i press send...at the same second...his text came in. Asking for his ring. Then he text again saying that this is like a curse. It's like we exchange lovey dovey ring.  I replied..."Just shut the fuck up and return me my ring!!" ahahah...so mean of me but i don't wanna thought about it and jinx it. Owh...no...no..no... 

It's almost comical how things happens sometimes. 

WHY? What would this be?

It's because he doesn't go all homophobic. It's because he doesn't demand. Most of all it's the respect he gave me.Who would thought this would turn out to be so desirable that it trembles me. Some childish cheeky move at first ..now became so invested. Who would thought he would  turn out to be more beautiful than the first time i saw him. I hope i don't embarrassed myself and screw this up by making some irrelevant move.  

What would this be?

I told myself not to think about it. The days are getting closer. I thought i could take it.