FAREWELL

I will never forget the times that we had. 

Tonight i have to bid farewell to a friend who is going back to his hometown to work. So because i wont be going that area anymore? Indirectly, I won't be seeing two other friends who hangs out there too.  One of them i am quite fond of. Hopefully they would look for me next time. There is another friend too who is gonna be transfered to another area starting tomorrow. Hmm.... 

Wish them all the luck in life. 

Okay!!

Okay!! Let's just BE Awesome!!  Felt a slight excitement today. Why am i excited?? I really don't know why. I know nothing much would happen today or to night, but i am feeling quite excited. Like a boy i am excited!! lolzzz.....  I hope that, this little excitement would kick start the hurricane in me!!

Again & Again

 Felt kinda dirty lately.  Maybe it's because of the temptations around . Temptations by jerks who works around the place i hang out at night. These people can be such ass hole. Idiots!!
Well, manage to do a cover for my friend's Samsung Note. It looked quite vintage, and wayy darker. When i took the picture of it, the vintage came out as dirty instead. Took the picture with my sister's mini pad though. Using my friend's Note to take the pictures its even worst. The color came out as Dark green. lolzz.... 

Anyway...  there is these two guys that i have been hanging out with. Straight and no Sex. Both separate locations. so every night i would hang out with A first and then later i would proceed to B. I was quite happy that i found these guys. I mean it's like finally i have some permanent friends who i could chat with more often. I mean it's like finally there are at least somebody around, physically around.
 The other day "A" told me that he may not continue to work here in KL after Raya. So i was quite upset about it but have to accept the fact. Hope that he would come back though., He is still deciding. Then at the same night "B" tells me that August he would be transfered to another outlet. 

Owh.. mann...!!!!  That's just great!! They are not my lover or anything, so nothing dramatic here but i am just upset that starting August i don't have any physical friends to hang out with anymore. Have to make new friends again and again and again. Everyone i know seems to leave or left. Why can't one at least? Just be around longer?? Haihh..... like the picture... i wanna dive into the toilet!!

Nathan Hartono - Terlanjur Sayang | Official Video

Had a dream of this guy once upon a time., and woke up that morning wondering... "Where the hell did that guy came from?" Didn't realize that the Hot lad in my dream actually existed. Must have seen him before and didn't remember.
So pleasant. Not trying to be emo or anything. Just felt good when i bump into this song. 

Then i found another Video.... 

 Makes you feels good isn't it? I'm glad i went through my playlist this morning. Smiling!!

Straight Guys

I did some very daring move. There is this three straight guys that i thought that they are quite nice and genuine. So while chatting I told them frankly that i don't mind to blow them, and i told them that don't hesitate or embarrass if they ever felt like it. Just ask for it. They know that i am gay of course. Separate occasions of course and they don't know each other. It's guys that i befriended while wondering around my area. Well it didn't come out as awkward or anything. It came out as part of the conversations and all. Cause usually by courtesy i guess, they would just ask about gay stuff. So they know i am not trying to be rude or anything. All three are Malay guys,  18, 19, and 23 

So far no BJ's has been given and to my surprise, my conversations with them gets quite personal.  These three guys are the only ones that i took an extra bold step compared to the rest of the guys. And it's these three that i felt the most HEART. I mean they care. They would thought of buying junk food or drinks for me and they don't mind going into details while chatting with me.They would ask questions about sex with their gf or even how to masturbate better.  Lolzz... I thought that after what i had told and offered? It would just scare them off, but it didn't. We became better friends instead. Felt very genuine & warm. 

I was just secretly wishing that it would be nice if i have gay friends like that. 

Reach

You would think that having these little little unpleasant feelings are somewhat juvenile. I thought that i would never feel it again. I thought that i am way too old to ever feel it again. Well, I guess these feelings just has no age constrictions. I wish that I don't feel it. It's just unnecessary and causing me pain. Thank god it's not dramatic. Maybe I just don't love this person that much yet, or my attempt of controlling my feelings are working? I contain my feelings this time you see, and not letting my wild feelings run wild, spurting and dripping everywhere. So just hope I'll just manage to stay sane in days to come. 

Shall

It's that empire i desire? 

Its that, empire that i shall build!

Dia

 

It's not easy when it's so close and you can't touch. It just felt like when you heard a deep song and you have no way to get the title of that beautiful piece of song. So i am directing my emotions to elsewhere, before i go nuts. Lolzz.... So far? ?? ... KUACI kinda helps to take my mind off . Hahahah... Never thought eating KUACI would distract me. Messy stuff though. 

Dia

 The last time when i saw a beautiful soul, I crashed. This time i wish i could contain my self. I got to know this guy who works as a security (not the one that i bj'ed) at some building. He's straight. I hang out there quite a lot, cause i know he needs the company and also it's better than me sitting alone at the park. Then there is this guy who works at a restaurant nearby saw us. So occasionally he would hang out with us.  It's this restaurant guy that when i first saw him, there were angels and fairies with fire flies floating around him. You know it's that feeling that tingles and you know it that you would fall for him. Of course i am damm happy that i have met him. But why always when i have these feelings it has to be towards a STRAIGHT guy??? It's really tiring. Really really tiring. It's really against my believes to actually not to do anything. I mean missed opportunities. The last time, i was quite severely deconstructed. It burnt me quite bad. Luckily i could still salvage myself. So this time i thought of not going to go through it again. 

You know... these people seems to be prettier everyday in our eyes when in reality they didn't change at all. That is what i am feeling and that is what i FEAR. 

I want to leave this be and not to homotize the friendship, but i am afraid the force is too strong.

Haishhh!!!!

I can't sleep. I still can't sleep. I only sleeps at 6 in the morning everyday. Then I would wake up in odd hours like 3pm or 4pm. Then many stuff can't be done. Hope I could twist that around soon before everything screws up. On the bright side, I am glad that I still manage to get some things done.  Though its not muh but I hope these little done, are enough to motivate me to keep moving. 

It's Friday Already?

Before you know it, it's already Friday. At my usual cafe and my muse just went off with his bf. I think. Cause his bf that just came, sway quite a bit. Hmmm..... What am I gonna do for the rest of the night? 

Anyway, there is a staff here that I am quite fond of. Totally ugly but super skinny. Super tall too. Every time I see him I just felt like smiling and i always thinks that he is damm sexy. My radar tells me that he is straight. Never ask and Never really told him mine too. I've only officially chat with him when I'm here... Only like... Twice.  He use to greet me like I am his best friend or something. You know lah these cafe's staffs are always over enthusiastic. Then suddenly.... There is no more such greetings from him. He stills get my drinks done before I make my order and everything. (Cause I always order the same.) He just doesn't acknowledge my presence anymore. I know it's  a petty thing but it just doesn't feel good. It feels like I have cheated on him or something. Yorrrrr....... How la? These straight guys!!!! Always gives me problems like that. 

You know I would think that his radar told him that I am gay. So it make sense that the sudden silence, but he still tends to my orders. Even when other people are on duty. I'll understand if you are homophobic.  I'll stay away, but.....You know now it just feels like you want and then you don't want.

    Slap me again guys??? Lolzzzz......... Have a pleasant weekend guys.

Sit

I want to be able to sit like that. Not to feel lazy and strengthless, but with proudness and stability. Let me suck a dick today and I would celebrate it by being successful. Woooopppss!!! I think that just came out. Was typing too fast  LOLZzzzzz.....  I secretly hope it would happen though. Ka ka ka.... Someone? Please give me a push!!  Slap me at the same time. 

it Was Dangerous

                                                      

Routine check up today and I am okay. Surgery next month . This time can't delay. Have to do it already. Hope I don't  gain weight like the last time. 

I Have a confession . I drank. I thought I would have to do surgery this time. So I just get a few cans and chill alone at the park. Then met a friend at 7E after drinking. He bought me a few more while chatting. I think because I didn't drink that much for some time already. Just a split second. The next thing I know, I woke up in my room in the morning. Imagine I can't remember walking home, crossing the roads and across the park, and I got in the house without anyone noticing. (Quite proud about "no one noticed") but yeah it was dangerous. I know. I know. I didn't anticipate that the night would end up like this. I just thought of a simple pleasant night at the park. Well, through this too, I got to know how shitty that "friend" is. Cause he didn't walk me home, even at that state. I always knew I am not me when I am drunk. It would be the more outspoken and extremely confident me, or just sleep, when I am drunk.  I always tell my friend that, if the usual me is the drunk version of myself? I am sure I am a successful person. Ka ka ka....... Only God knows what I did that night.