Sunday, March 29, 2015


Me: Are you afraid of gays?
Him: Yeah.....
We: Silence...........
Him: Why?
Me: Ten seconds silence then "Nothing!"
Him: Ahh....hahahah....... ( we were talking about condoms before that)
Me: Laugh and i change the subject. 
Me: What do you think i should do to the petty cash? (started talking about work stuff)
Him: I think you should not worry so much about it. We should sort out the main accounts first.
Me: I'm gay.
Me: I'm sorry i have to tell you this. Please don't worry, i meant you no harm.
Him: Silence and nodded to acknowledge my remarks. 

Between "i'm obsessively in love with you" and "I'm gay" I chose to come out to him. I have to do something drastic or else i cannot stay calm. I will burst!!! I will tear and break into pieces. 

Something changed after i came out to him. I feel that he is more at ease. I don't know what, but i feel that he looks more settled in or something. He still keeps his distance when he talks to me but it's friendlier. 

That was last week. This week might be his last week mentoring me. Friday might be his last day at the office. Meaning it might also be my last day seeing him. Though this week we are scheduled to stay late in the office everyday then he will send me back home every night. Yayy...jolly good but will this benefit me or actually amputate me. 
I was at my hometown. After Friday, after working hours.... i started thinking of him. Liking someone is very pain, but missing someone is even more hurtful. The ever constant searing pain that you can't seem to shake it off. Agitates every point of your nerves making you restless and suddenly he magically became the one and only healer that could stop this menace.. 
I am actually very nervous about the book that i am about to make for him. I can't seem to have a good design. I'm afraid i might have not enough time to do it. I  start work at ten and will work till 12 or 1 am everyday this week with him. That means i only have time after that.  I'm worried i cannot finish it on time. I am freaking out. I feel like crying. 

Monday, March 23, 2015


I'm making a book for him. He likes me or not, I am still gonna make him this book. It's an appreciation for mentoring me. This is the first step. Sewing the pages together. Did quite a shitty job cause it has been a while since the last time I made a book. He likes dark blue and black. He likes slick bold stuff. Matt stuff. So I thought i am gonna make the book's cover In dark blue and lined with black or vice versa. The pages are light grey (cause need to be functional) and the thread used to hold them are dark blue in colour. Gonna figure out the design for the cover. Soon. 

Friday, March 20, 2015


Tiu lo. He drew me!!!!! I just posted yesterday saying I am gonna be strong. Gonna get over drooling over my mentor. Which is almost impossible at the moment. I just build up some strength to motivate myself.
I went in the office today, and found out that he drew me. He may not know, or anyone else in fact. This is by far the best and sweetest thing that any human has ever done for me. 😊 Arrrggghhh....... So wrong timing. I have to get over him or else my following working days are gonna be dreadful. He is gonna teach me stuff at work that requires us to sit side by side, all the time. I cannot be in this smitten state all the time. I will break down.


I want to stop dreaming about my dream guy and start being someone else's dream guy. Is that possible? I guess. To suppress my hunger, it has to happen. How can i treasure this guy so much and he stills felt totally nothing. 
Did i ever mentioned here that, It's damm shitty when you meant nothing at all to the person that matters much to you? Well, it's hurtful and I am trying to tell myself to get over it. I know it's gonna be dreadful, but I have to do something to reduce my pain. 
I guess my desire to be in a relationship got the best of me. I imagined and I imagined too far. I think I may have mislead myself. So now I am suffering. 
I have to get myself out of this mess. First thing to do? Stop imagining. Register that he is my mentor and he is straight.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015


I had a very good day today. I had fun. I hope in future i can be like that. I hope in future i can contain like that. I hope in future i can be casual like that. I hope it never goes away. I hope it's forever like that. We're happy. We talked. We laugh. We communicate. 

I saw this ad of a chinese series. This girl says. "Liking someone is very painful". I an see why she says so. It really hurts. It's the uncertainty and vast possibilities. There is merely hope to begin with. "Glimpses" of hope always shed lights. The question is that should i even be hoping? Should i continue to keep an open mind and hope for miracles or should i shut it down now for damage control?

Arrghh... How do people really handle these stuff?? It felt like you are entering a war that has no chance of winning at all. It's totally out of your control. 
I guess what i can do now is to take every opportunity there is without hoping that there is a big fat chance. But dont dismiss that there are a slight possibilities in many ways. Life is full of surprises right?? Hahahh.... Now i have to put up a faux smile and continue to live.!!  I feel so defeated... i feel like puking!! :)

Sunday, March 15, 2015


Hey, hi!! How are you guys?? Hope everything is alright with everybody. 
I had a dream the other night. I dreamt that i was considering making VLOGs... hmm... that's something that has been at the back of my head for sometime now. Maybe i should. Then again im worried that my looks may eliminate audiences. 
Then i remembered that the other day while i was giving bj at the toilet. This guy videoed me sucking him. Without my consent. I don't know why i don't care. I almost didn't bother to ask him to stop. but i still did after a while. Just for the sake of stopping. How bout you guys? Do you guys mind being filmed? 
We are getting closer than ever. He sits right beside me now. I'm going to go "chi sin" I want to just lunged over and lick his entire  skin. Smell his forehead, chew his fingers, swallow his cum and kiss and kiss and kiss kiss.kiss kiss kiss him.
This guy is damm cute. So Beautiful. I want nothing but to protect and love him.  I didn't realize that i have been flooding my Instagram with all his picture. Insane. Does that means i'm spying?? Owh.. i think he is making me take lots of picture. That's him sleeping and the one before that it's him sitting at my table. Hahah... it's like i'm being artistic but it's actually me trying to take his picture without him knowing it. hahah...

Monday, March 9, 2015


Lolzz, i'm glad that you still reads my blog CALVIN J. Thank You and i thank the others that still sometimes glance through my blog. 

This is like one of those nights where you feel like you are in a camp. Cause you are feeling cold and you're so near to the nature.  We slept in a room that is separated from the main house. These are like guess rooms. So only both of us are sleeping there.
I think... GAY + NIGHT + GUY + PRIVACY= HORNY. lolzz... I was really just being playful. We slept on separate mattress, but placed side by side. I sneakily moved nearer and nearer to him while sleeping. I know my cousin snores like crazy. It's like an indicator or a noise notice, telling everyone that he fell asleep when you hear him snore. That night he didn't snore and he didn't moved much too. He maintained the same position and didn't moved. So i felt weird. Cause for the past few nights he slept on his side most of the time and snores like a whale with a trumpet. 
We are now sleeping really close to each other. I hope that he will sleep on his side so that i can accidentally position my hand to touch his bulge. He didn't. I dare not touch him cause if he is interested i wanted him to touch me first so that i won't be beaten up if he is straight. Then it struck me. He is not snoring. Does that means that he is also waiting? I got quite impatient and i placed my hand right on his bulge. He didn't move. then i move my hand to search for his penis. Then i felt his head. I squeeze a little. I caress his head with the tip of my fingers. then i feel and search for the edge of his head. I use my nails to caress his edges. Instantly i can feel growth. No sign of acceptance nor objection from him. 
I started to unzip his zipper. I begin to be more daring. As soon as i opened his zipper i opened his buttons and unwrapped his package. I found his semi hard penis. So i slowly pull it out and moving it near my mouth. I smelled his head with the tip of my nose. Moving my nose up and down his head... i then started to lick his head. slowly following his edges. Soft and tender. Lick... lick...lick.... slowly his head swells and his penis became so hard. I didn't do much wild actions cause i know when you are hard the best treatment is to wet the head and caress it slowly with my tongue tip.  Maintain a slow but consistent slow motion torture. I lick and spreads his pre cum around his smiley and head with my tongue. I can feel that his shaft is pulsating. His head shines like a patent knob and his slit is almost gasping for air. As soon as his penis is at its height... I enter it into my mouth. It went all the way in. I took in his entire shaft right till his pubic hair. 
When i did that... he immediately hold my neck and let out a moan. That's when he started to find my penis and play with it. I remember feeling strands of pre cum on my groin when he pulls out my penis. He didn't suck me. He just masturbate and squeeze. Usually i wont stop till the guy cum. i sucked him hard and i rub his wet head against my palm. He was so sensitive. He was so tensed that he squeeze my penis so hard. He didn't stop masturbating me. Because of that tightness i came first. When i came i sucked him even harder. That makes him masturbating me even faster. He didn't stop when i cum. my head became so sensitive... that makes me sucking him even tighter and faster and in return he gets much more excited and pump even more intensely. Making me cum again and he still didn't stop, cause he didn't cum yet. It continues till he cum. I think i came like 4 times and it flew all over like fireworks went out of control. 

Then the next day... we acted as if the whole thing never happened before. 

Friday, March 6, 2015


Chinese New Year passed by just like that. I didn't have the most wondrous start, but it's good enough. Happiness with a touch of drama. sigh* & smile. I went back to my old hometown. The last time i was there was like 15 years ago. Met my cousins and uncle. Then i gave one of my cousin a blowjob. Hahahah..... Long story there. I missed that place. Though much has change, I still love the vibe there. It's calm.

Here i am. Now back at work and i spend most of my time struggling. Trying to maintain my stance. I pray that nothing will go very wrong. I did also pray and asked god to grant me a boyfriend. I did visualize my colleague when i made that wish. We are spending a lot of time together now. For work reasons. Don't know why we started Whatsapping each other even though his table is just three feet away.  Usually when we Whatsapp, it's about personal stuff. It's (DAMM) scandalous. I Love it!!! There was once, i was waiting for him to send me home. Suddenly everyone in the office started to play games and he joined in. After a while... he texted me apologizing and prompt me to wait a bit longer. It was damm sweet. I smiled drunkenly and almost teared up cause i never felt such moment before. Such a polite and small gesture actually caught me off guard and warmth my heart.

I wish that  he is gay. Bummer!!! I could cry the whole year and if he is not gay, i just wont get the whole of him. Now my only hope is that i don't screw up our friendship. There were so many times i almost leaned over to smell his forehead. Well... there are boundaries to protect. He is my boss's and editor's  dear elder brother.