I need to go to the bank today at Taipan. So i walked over. I have to go OCBC and Maybank. I was surprised with the service given. They were all friendly. Super helpful. The girl at OCBC are quite pretty too. Makes me wonder am i really gay or not. You know, it makes me think, am i a gay because it was glamour at that time or am i really a gay for real? Cause the girl really is pretty and has this warm smile. I'm becoming a Lesbian...ahhhah...then i walked to Starbucks and i went gaga over this waiter there. Then at the back of my head...thinking.. no doubt about it. I am very much a gay. ahhaha...yay not a Lesbian after all. Well about this waiter .. he is tall and slim... and he has this very typical mix 70's nerdy look with a great body. Why i went gaga is because when i was about to go outside to find a seat. He went out right before me, then he just leave the door close right in front of me. Well didn't matter at that time but he actually turned back and apologize for leaving the door close. The moment when he turn back was like Hindi film in slow motion. hahahah... It was really gentlemen of him to apologize. Hmmm.. i miss guys like that. Not many people actually practice such courtesy anymore. Unless i'm drop dead gorgeous. Then he went away for his break time. While i was sitting there..as usual smoking and starring at thin air. Then i heard two straight guy's conversation. They were actually discussing about having sex with guys. Both of them have had such experience, as they were telling each other how it happens. Really? it has come to this? A Norm among straight guys? How much has the world evolve already. I feel so back dated now.
Apparently my friend thinks that i'm a threat. Well, i think so. I'm in fashion line and he is in academic field. Obviously everyone cannot be good at everything, I will be great at fashion and he is great at what he does. My friend always thinks that i'm cooler than him. Not his fault. Naturally fashion is always more popular in an everyday conversations or maybe in ones life. Not necessarily important though. He always try to out smart me. I'm so tired. It gets even worst till now. Even who knows that particular guy first, also became an issue. Everything i say always seem wrong for him. He always has the opposite profound idea to present. Overly elaborating something just to survive his little point of pointless view. Or maybe he is always such a looser at work till he has take me as a tool to release his anger or he is just an egoistic pig. Why such guy would even have a friend like me to take pity on him and understands why he is doing so? I feel like.... I'm so tired.
How i wish when i post this up and the guy i wish to know would see this. I just saw this guy at a pet shop in USJ9. He came out of the shop with his little brother. Oh wait....or is that his son? Nevertheless he looks bloody uber sexy. Then he has this stare that i once seen. It was those kind of empty but evil stare. I thinks he drives a grey Suzuki. Anyway i was totally flattered with the way he treats his brother. It feels like you get comfort out of evil. Heart warming. Kinda reminds me of one of my past. Very interesting.
Ever heard of this guy? Hmm...... He acted in this movie called "Is It Just Me" TLA release. As usual quite corny but very realistic. Notice his face expression. Quite nice. Very adorable. Pleasantly sexy. I think if he ask me "How are you?" I will answer "I DO" straight away. Lol..... I always feels exactly like his character in the movie. Insecurity...and stuff. Actually i still do now.
What did i just did??? My friend that i have been blogging about. We knew each other for nearly ten years.We always chat like girlfriends. Yeah we had sex once or twice. That was years ago. We explore the porns together. We talk almost about everything. He even could undress around me or even wears only his underwear when we hangs out together in his room. He shows me his nude pictures too.
Then just now we went out for dinner. When we we are in his car i saw his bulge. (Not intentionally) not huge but he was wearing his work pants so it was kinda showing. Out of a sudden i thought, how would it feels like if i grab it. Boldly i did. He reacted like i was gonna rape him. I was super shock with his big reaction.I really thought he wouldn't mind. I for sure wouldn't, don't think i'll have a hard on too if he does. Leave that aside i seriously thinks that he wouldn't mind since he was so open all these while.Then came the awkward moment. It was seriously an honest mistake, Now i feel damm ugly. Ishh....
I then text to him apologizing and explain. He replied. "You quit smoking i will let you touch" now i feel stupid for explaining. Did i use language from Mars?
How do we actually get out of the usual circle? The kind of guys i'm looking for are never in my circle of life. Among my friends, i can't see a guy that i like and i always think it's my own problem and starts altering my expectations. My friends. The ones that i know are always very complicated. Super messy life. Not even one that has a more controlled life. DRAMA. I don't need all that. I just want someone who lives life peacefully.
He wants to watch Alien vs Cowboy. He parked at some housing area opposite Sunway Pyramid. (Doesn't want to pay parking fee). Dark, without streetlight he walked in front of me without guiding me. Not trying to be a baby, but with my eyes condition i cannot see anything on the road. It's really dangerous for me. (some more he say i'm insensitive for saying he is not gentlemen) We walked up the overhead bridge, to cross the highway. Then went up three floors to the cinema. Then he refused to watch the movie because it's priced at RM14. After nearly a KM walk he decided not to watch because it's expensive?? I am totally speechless. I instantly smirked and gave the cashier a "Please ask the cowboy to save me look" He just smiled nervously. Cute. Then i say i felt like going to "Kim Gary" It's been a while since i have been there. Besides i have a friend who is working there. He wanted to eat at "Ming Tien" this Chinese stall court nearby. So i just suggested, why not we just walk pass that restaurant and see if there are seats available. If not then we just head to the other place. He answered okay then he went and choose a route that didn't pass by the restaurant then when we reached his wanted destination he turn and say " oh? we didn't pass by Kim Gary wor?" I have no other reaction but to smile and say it's fine. In fact i am actually really smiling and felt funny cause He and I knows the route at Sunway Pyramid like eating peanuts. Me not coming out for a year doesn't mean i forget everything. So i'm thinking no big deal, finish eating we could just have a drink at Kim Gary. Then that's what he suggested too. After eating we actually walked pass Kim Gary. I walked towards the entrance and then he pulled my hand and say we are not going in. I have a show to catch on tv. After that around 2 am we went out for drinks near my place. He ate and drink. Me just drink. The bill was Rm12. I intended to treat my friend because after all he took me out today. When i found my wallet i ask again how much was it? My friend answered.."Oh you just pay Rm10 can already" Again i smiled and speechless!!! These are not very pleasant attitude to treat anyone. He is my best friend. It's never about the money. I don't know how to tell him. He is not a bad person, and he is not a poor guy in fact he is quite rich. Hard self earn money and not rich by family. Well educated, very presentable. I think he is becoming a very typical successful materialistic self obsessed white collar guy. Total misery. I'm worried actually.
I went out on Saturday. After one year two months. yesterday was the first time i went to Pavillion and the area around it. Actually visited all the new malls and buildings around it. I must say, with the big changes around Pavillion i felt almost the same. The environment there never really changed. Felt like home.. hahhaha...... makes me missed working times.
My friend who brought me there instead, kinda spoiled my moment there. Will story about it next time.Thank god he is not the only one i'm with. So it turns out nice and kinda fun. Missed missed that area.
Almost everyday i will walk to 7E for cigarettes. As a result of that i get to know all of their staff there. One of them is this good looking lad (hahahah....) from Nepal. So u basically know why i am so enthusiast over him. As usual, in these story, the guy must be straight. And he is. He used to study here, some financial crisis so he has to work as he is stuck in Malaysia. Super polite and friendly. Very slim and the way he wears his pants are alluring. Fucking seductive. Beautiful strong jaw line. He has a healthy kind of thin, but at the same time he looks weak and strenghtless. (Aiks,,,blushing) lol..... It's like he is gonna suffocate while having sex. lol... Anyway he looks a lot like the picture above. Really alike. Ahh...his voice. Superb. Another nice moaning voice.
Anyway, basically I'll always be there whenever he is working. So we chat kinda a lot. Recently i didn't see him so much.Couldn't track down his shift and many other reasons. About a month but last two days i see him again. His first reaction when he saw me was.... he laugh....hahhahaha....(like he is expecting me) (che wah....) and then he say hello. I was surprised a little, then we chat as usual. My sessions with him every time won't be more than five minutes. Cause partly i wouldn't want to scare him off. The moment when a straight friend doesn't want to talk to you is a very ugly moment. Every time i get cigarettes I'll sure give him about half of my pack, cause i am trying to stop smoking too but obviously failed. Because of that we got friendlier too. Anyway, yesterday i went again to get my cigarettes. It was a very loud greetings from him. Of course I'm happy to see him being so excited. Then later when i am pulling out the cigarettes i kinda take out too much but i gave him anyway. He kinda hesitate but i insist, so he kept it. Then i left and as i am trying to quit smoking so i decided to throw every half stick that i smoke. Consequences? Finish after five hours. So i went and buy again. This time, of course he was shocked to see me cause i only will go there once a day and only for cigarettes. His first question was... Finish already? Hey man... you got to control a bit. His face actually shows worry and a little bit anger. Of course at that time i was like ......fireworks inside and seeing fairies swimming around with stars flashing by. I was bloody happy that he worried. Again i always have this thing that I'll melt if any straight guys cared about me. Then later i actually apologize to him and say I'll try my best to control. Hahhah...What is happening??? So weird!! So Weird!! Just now i went again to 7E. With my friend this time but he wasn't there. As i know he already started work at that time .Kinda disappointed and left. After that i came home and i couldn't sleep. (not because thinking of him) so i decided to go 7E again. Again the happy smile and loud greeting at 5.50am in the morning. I really brace myself just now to talk longer to him, as i know at that time there will be no one around. Hmmmm...too hopeful. there is another guy there. Another staff. Were there to deliver magazines. Obviously i can't stay longer. So i do my usual routine and get ready to pay. Chatting along. He apologizes to me suddenly and say he saw me through the CCTV just now but he didn't come out as he was busy with paper work. I smiled for that sweet gesture and told him it's okay and he doesn't need to do so anyway. Then after that in a mild complain tone he say he is very sleepy. OMG...that face.
I couldn't take it!!!!! But i smiled broadly and in my brain its already flashing back that frame again and again and again. I too got a bit cheeky and reply him with a pity tone and ask him why is it so? Then he replied again in the same tone, that he doesn't know why he couldn't sleep, hence he felt sleepy now/ Aww....... I looked at him and arrggghhhhh.....do you ever felt the sudden urge to do it? OMG OMG...... I squeezed my fist to calm down and try to make him felt lighter about it By telling him no worries, two more hours he can go home already. So he could rest then. Then he smiled and say he will. then gave me back my change. Aaoooorrrggghhhh.... as you know i have prob with my eyes. So i actually couldn't see if he is starring at me or not... the great gay language. hhhmmmmm......too bad. Then i tell him bye and ask him to rest well later. He responded and i walked out of there. Hmmmm....I always try my best to hold my position when around straight guys. Especially straight guys that i liked. I will avoid the hanky panky and taking advantages and stuff. Cause i think when the straight accept and respect us we should do the same too. BUT WHAT IS THIS?????? He cannot do this to me??? yeah! i know i want it but this is torture. I cannot touch him!!! You don't talk like that to a customer right? I mean a straight Nepal guy. STRAIGHT. You get what i mean? It's always like that... I do respect the straights and i always know my line. Still i tend to attract straights. Not that i am saying it's a bad thing but straights tends to get a bit too comfortable with me some times, without knowing that it's putting me in a difficult position. Well in this case, it's great of course but it's leaving me in the middle of a thin line. Hard-on or Hard-off ? Hmmphh.... Either way i know i cannot take any chances here. I never like it to loose a friend this way.
I know this post is long. But i just want to document it down. It's a sweet encounter.
I had this dream last night. A dream that i guess it's what i have no guts to touch before. Well, people do hope for excellence but i think in reality they will always go for compatible.
Anyway i had a dream last night. It's me walking with my sis and her son. My nephew. A teenager.(In reality. my sis is not even married yet. So no child yet) He kept whining, for something cause his mom sort of like forbid him to do or get. Then out of the blue i told him to go ahead and don't worry about my sis. Instantly he smiled and came to thank me. I say it's alright and i kissed his cheek. It's a weird kiss cause the kiss was the kind of kiss that you sniff before you kiss. Then he gave me a stare. A stick in the brain kind of stare that i cannot forget while he turns away. Then i walked away with my sis and suddenly i'm transported to another scene. In this scene i was with my best friend. A super young version of my best friend. A very innocent virginated version. So it's obviously not him. So, here i am assisting him to take a bus to meet up with his boyfriend. During the ride, i remembers i am imagining it would be nice if he likes me. I kept talking to him. Then, OCBC Bank called me!! Ish.......
The sweet part about this dreams is that, my nephew looks like Joseph Gordon Levitt. Also a virginated version of him. And the second guy looks like my best friend who now doesn't seems to wants to talk to me. He lives in Singapore now. I think he had turned Gay. Suspicious. (many history) The weird part of this is, this is the second time i have dreamt the exact same dream. And that stare. I'm kinda very emotional attached to this dream. Don't really know why. Maybe these guys are the ones that i unconsciously hoped for. Well not sexually but it's to have the slow motion kind of moment. to love and love love. lol......
" Perhaps, you are pushing yourself to the limit exploring your capability without realizing that at the same time you are testing the other guy's patience by having no intention of provoking him in mind."
I vomited yesterday because i accidentally swallowed a chewing gum. So the pressure from the process kinda makes my eyes swell a bit. So i was super worried and rushed to the hospital to check it up. Tun Hussien Onn hospital. Kinda a nice place though there are some people that are rude at times but hey, nurses have temper too sometimes. I think they are short of male nurses though. Hahahah..... Anyway was very worried and moody. Couldn't smile a lot while waiting for my turn then suddenly this male doctor called me. Dr.Lim. My favorite doctor. He is not exactly good looking, but somehow I am gaga over him. Someone to fond and savor. I think that he is bloody sexy. Lol.... It's the way that he is built i guess... slim (my fetish) Long fingers that awkwardly moves.Very proper. Kinda nerdy. His luxury skin tone and his voice is ..arrghhhh....temptation!!! I think i mentally sexed him many times already!! So i was shocked and trembling. My heart skips a beat and increasing speed while walking towards him. He greeted me and ask how am i. (we know each other) So we talked like buddies. I told him my worries and he started checking me. When he is touching my face (checking my eyes) i was blushing already. It felt so intense!!! Hot!! Hott!! I think i can feel my pre cum started flowing out already. lol..... We were chatting away and after he is done he asked me "Is there anything else" I wanted to prolong my time with him and in that sudden moment i blurted i have questions about sex!! OMG!! i was bloody shocked at that time that i blurted "sex"!!! My face should be red at that time!!! Well, actually it is something i kinda wanna check out all this while but i didn't expect to he is the one. Apparently i was told that with my condition, sex is quite a dangerous thing to do and being a gay, sex is more wonderfully vast. Usually too my sis are together in the room when docs check me. I have not have such opportunity before too. So i immediately super boost my brain to come up with question of that subject. I blurted blowjob. (another embarrassing moment) then followed by "no...... what if i gives....... blow...job? errr.....i was super super blushed!!! I think at that moment!! .... i wished there was fire so i can run out of there. I think he saw my hands trembling and thank god he is cool enough to answer me casually. Pheww..... He uses the term "BJ" and he doesn't seem to be afraid of gays. Me i mean. I can see him slying all the way after that. Then after him i still have to wait outside so that my usual doc could check me once again. When i was in the other room, he came in and still smiling chatted with me a little. So i got quite comfortable and i asked him. "So what will you specialized in?" (he is an assistant, still in training) He answered. " Eyes...this is an eye hospital isn't it?" in a friendly mocking tone. Is that flirting??? Well most probably;y me hoping too much... Over all today because of him, my day started as a scarry day and it became a sweet sweet day for me!! Hmmm.... why don't i get guys like that?
I know the picture is a bit obscene but it shows what i want to do to him..*nuts*
Everything is so complicated that anything made easy are thought to be fishy. Everything basic are being jinx by perceptions. It's just a simple thing. Take it and return a good deed if you want or not just leave it as it is. Why everything must be complicatefied??