It's Messy Messy Messy !

Ish!! I'm really speechless. I feel like getting on stage and start singing. Dance Uncontrollably with the mike pole. How do you stop conflicts with less explanation? I'm so tired of explaining. Thank god i don't just randomly attach pictures in my blog. At least i could feel a little bit better looking at my blog. How could something got so complicated and bloody messy when at the end the outcome is just an everyday regular matter? It's like you have to bake a loaf of bread, but you have to plant the plant to produce the flour and build the machines to bake the bread. Right from the scratch.
I think these probs gets even worst when the participants doesn't wants to give in or loose pride. EGO do kills!!!!
In this particular case it's my mom and my sisters. 

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I'm speechless over what i want to say. I always have something to say or stuff that i want to blog it up here. When i finally are here i always kinda reserved what i want to say cause at the end, i would think i'm being ridiculous. Is it really true?
I always had this urge to talk to one friend. The one friend who would listens about my matters. No matter happy or sad or dirty or ridiculous or just be there. I was actually telling my friend about this and then as i'm saying it i felt weird. Weird cause i'm telling a friend that nobody listens to what i need to say and "he" is actually listening to me!!  I felt that i'm contrasting myself at that time. So i ended it and change the subject.
Still i don't feel right all this time. I think i understand me now. What i actually meant by what i am saying. I need a friend who would actually let me finish what i have to say. I have tons and millions of problems that i always keep in me and not letting it out. With my friend that i mentioned above always don't listen to me. He listens and gives me his opinions. Sometimes he evens stop me half way and correct me then ask me to continue. That is interrupting. What if i'm crying? Pause?? Sometimes my story would stop at where he interrupts and it would lead to another conversation as i am responding to his opinions. I am still not finish yet??? It's no wonder i never felt satisfied talking to him. Why the fuck do you have so many opinion for?? Not that i forbid but can't you listen to the whole story? Sometimes listening and shut up would help that person more,!! Your silent presence would meant a lot, than giving your bloody opinion!!! I just need to know that you are beside me and i have a shoulder to cry on when needed. Or give your opinions or solutions after you hear the whole damm story!!!
Every time after going out with him i would feel like i have never spoken!! It's no wonder i am always sulking. No wonder i always have the sane stuff to bother even after i chat about it. It's no wonder i would tell him that i needed a friend to tell my problems to.

Do You Know?

Imagine that,...... When two person is in love? It's magical! Automatically  many sacrifice would be made and many things  is bound to happen.
 How many of you actually realize that the sacrifice that you made, benefits both parties or is it damaging both parties? Would you know that you are pampering instead of helping? Do you realize that his request is actually ridiculous?  Do you actually know that you are occupied when you promise him fo buy something?
How much should one give? What is the limit? I think there are no answer to that but i guess it's mutual understanding. Cause as always we would give unconditionally. So sometimes maybe we take too much without knowing it. Anyway, i believe i am like that too. Usually i'n the one who gives a lot.
So when someone comes and tell you, something is wrong.. Don't shut t5hem up. Process their words and think. Maybe sometimes the audience gives the best critique. 

Quest 5

Today i clean part of my room and also do the usual routine of cleaning the house. Then i started to watch a movie. It was super sad. I must say i wasn't in quite a good mind these days. I think i should mentally get a life. Sometimes i'm quite impressed with how our mind work. I can feel excited but at the same time i also could feel sad. It's really a complex mind. Well then after the movie i read my mail and i got a mail from a friend. Such coincidence the song i'm listening to was quite heartwarming. So happen too it was a very touching mail from my friend. I couldn't bare it but get all emo and stuff. What a day. I then get down to watch the TV. I choose animax cause i want to watch something happy but it has to be another sad sad episode. I cried. Hahhaha.... i just couldn't bare it somehow.
When you are at the lowest you always tend to look up don't you think? I did. So the days emo actually got me pumped up somehow. Not much but at least i'm looking for hope.
I just finish one pack of ciggy. I hope i'm strong enough to not walk out to buy a new pack. Fingers cross.

Quest 4

I didn't do much lat few days. I was feeling a bit off and i had to visit the doc for some checkups. Remember about the stuff i applied from my government? So i didn't do much lately but i did clear lots of little little stuff around the house and my garden. Oh!! my fishes nearly died the other day. There is a power failure and it happen twice. The thing is when the power came back it killed my water pump in my fish pond. I didn't know till midnight. When i saw it my heart sank, cause all the fishes are kinda floating, when the water pump is not working, there is no water pumped up to the pot above, hence there will be no water overflowing and drop into the pond and hence when there is no water dropping into the pond so there will no oxygen. I quickly get an old pump hoping it works and it sure did. Very slow but at least it could create oxygen. Then i get a new one the next day. He he....
Anyway back to the little little stuff. It started out in my garden. I don't have a piece of land to work at. So my plants are all in pots. Somehow. after sometime there will be some wild grass or some little unknown plants would grow in the pot. Taking away precious nutrients and water from my plants. Well its not that they are bad in nature . It's just the simple idea of if there is two plant in one pot so they have to share everything. So of course we remove the unknown plant so my plant could get everything. So i was doing it. Some i did it more frequent but some pots are kinda hidden and harder to reach. So it didn't get as much attention. It looks obvious. I can't see my plant. So it hit me that i have to clean my house that way too.
You will be surprise of all the rubbish you can find/ Start with one drawer a day maybe if you are super busy. Your kitchen. Cabinets that you keep your dry food. Your shoe rack. The tv rack. Your car. Your wallet? The bag you use everyday. Even your key bowl. Under the bed or couch.
I smoked lesser now. But i don't think it's an achievement as i crave to smoke as bad. 

Lady GaGa

There is something so awkward about her that makes me fall head over heels for her. Actually I know she gets lots of money out of whatever she does,. But i still wanna thank her for even care to do it. I Love GaGa. 

Quest 3

Today i continue the mess i did yesterday. My eyes are not that clear after all. Today when i see the cabinet i see patches of parts that i didn't paint. Kinda humored myself there. So instead of wrapping things up i have to cover those spots that i missed. Another round of painting. it was kinda more difficult this time cause i'm wearing gloves. Plastic and paint really don't go together.Tends to be very sticky and slow down the process. After that i tried to clean as much and re-attached the little doors handle. Well it turns out very nice and my dining room looks fresher than ever. Well, still have to wait for the paint to really dry up then i can put back all the stuff.
Got a letter today requesting me to do a check up for my eyes. I tried to apply for some funds from the government. Hope it will approve this time round. I feel bad using so much of my sisters money. The medical fee and all.
My fishes are doing well. Didn't do much gardening today. Hmmm... i'm thinking which stuff to do after the painting. So many stuff to clear once you sit back and see. Anyway i'm glad i'm settling stuff, one by one.
Still can't seem to stop smoking. I'm thinking of smoking as i'm typing about smoking here. Aish....
I miss Bumble Bee. I hope he is doing well. Take care of yourself. Really take good care of yourself.