I Can't

I can't. I was all moody today. Got a new hair cut. Was all set and fired up for my interview. Then my age seems to be a barrier. Huh?? Why want to write a book about the world when Discovery has already done it? Doesn't experience count?? Had a great interview and was told that she will call me back. Then my manager actually didn't turn up to work and me as the second in charge after her wasn't informed. In fact no one knows where is she. How irresponsible is that?? I text her and there's no reply. Then i ask one of her favorite staff to text her and she called right away to inform. That is at around 4pm. After nearly half of the day gone. I'm actually very bothered by that and it got me all moody. I kept on asking myself "can i actually bear this mental games by that woman?" "Should i resign straight away?" "What happens to my income then?" " "Can i cope?" I really tried to stay as calm as ever. If you've been reading my blog you'll notice that i've been trying to get up again and again... I know she would play mental games like that. Talking about being professional? She is just pure childish and short of experience. She thinks that she is well trained and well mature about everything. I've never met with anyone... no .... a manager that acts like that. The usual professional ones would actually have a talk and move on. but this one seems to or shall i say like a kid trying to revenge. This is killing me!!!! I felt like shit for the rest of my working hours... the time dread by and by the time i finish work i really felt like a watery, slimy shit. I walk like a zombie and the thought of me seeing her at work tomorrow morning makes me wanna kill myself. Was really low and motionless on my way home just now. It was dry, my mind was shooting all areas to figure out what should i do. Financially, a new job and i felt like crying and kept on thinking of the future, went in the cab motionless and kept looking out the window, didn;t really answer the driver when he talked to me, and before i know it i already reach home. As usual i feed my fishes and proceed opening the door. When i on the light, i saw a Kiehls paper bag on my laptop. My heart stopped a beat and i'm surprised. Went nearer and found a red box with a card attached to it. My tears started to fall. Have you ever felt that? You know you're not crying but your tears just kept flowing down? Then it reads "Two Horns Child, Maintain grooming!!! ahhahhha....... Love: Rose" It's from my sister. My only Christmas present this year. My only comfort now.  Now i'm sure i'm crying. I couldn't stop. Thank god i'm alone at home. I cried with sound!! like a bloody baby!! I cried for almost half an hour hugging the box. It really caught me off guard. I cried even more when i think of how pathetic is it when i couldn't get her a present and i'm almost jobless now. In my culture here. I am considered as an useless child / son. :(

Great stuff

Today isn't a bad day after all. So many great looking guys are walking around today. It's like a "Cute Guys day" Most of them are europeans and foreigners. It's great when you see some who are so casually cute and flirtyatious. A few guys actually stared at me and smiled. Mann.... too bad i'm a shy person. I don't dare to initiate anything. There is even a guy who i saw while on my way home just now, he actually gave me a shy look and scratch his bulge. Damm... it was hot cause he (i guess) is not wearing underwear. I guess so cause i can see it bouncing exceptionally. Oh god..... such temptations..... Other than that...(i think i'm hard now) i actually called up one of the boutique that i have passed my resume last week. Spoke to the manager and she says she didn't recieve any resume. No wonder she interviewed another guy last week. Then she actually ask for an immediate interview. Good thing i called :) When i went for the interview she is actually busy with some customers and she appologise and ask me to come back tomorrow instead. Well happy enough i have an appointment for the interview. ahhhaaa....... fingers crossed. Wish me all the luck guys.

It's Exciting

Pimp and Tricle Down. Thanks for leaving comments and you're welcome. It's really exciting when what you wrote actually has comments from people halfway around the world. Thank You a zillion guys. A million appreciations.

Oh! about walking on thin line.....

(Hahaha.... Thin Line?)

Hahaha..... about walking on thin line. I am about to resigned and i passed my resume aroound but i'm yet to get any calls. I've never experienced not wanted before. I mean in jobs not boyfriends. Never lucky with guys. anyway i'm kinda worried. Maybe it's end of the year. People don't recruit now. Well, fingers crossed. I hope i could get either of the job. Oh...... wait i heaven't been interviewed by them. Yikes!!!

Here i am

I think if anyone is to get an Oscar for repelling friends, i would get it. LOL.... i didn't get a single Christmas text at all. What the hell!! Hmmm..... here i am again spending my time at home and didn't go out. Well, as long as i don't feel bad. It's okay actually. hahhhaa....... Merry Christmas everyone. :) Here i need to wish some people. To my greatest love...... Bumble Bee, Abba and Jay Brannan. I actually got a reply of e-mail from Jay Brannan!!!!!! How cool is that!!!! It really feels great and ironic hahahah....... :) ............... I know I'm day dreaming. Of all he's doing but still he thinks that he is lonely. I am angry when he does that but still, Can't say not . Cause people do feel like that when they felt alone somehow. Like what I'll do. I look for the slightest light available in the dark. Imagine and dream. It somehow helps you through. It's really stupid and brainless to say that i actually like Jay. Like i say..... I DREAM. :)
Sincerely i would wish i could always be around him as a friend at least. I can see my self lingering around him and being totally ignored. Maybe taking his tantrum once in a while always get scolded for doing stupid stuffs... but still I'm thinking of what should i cook later on. Or where should i take him to eat or even what food would make him happy. Then what should i do for tomorrow morning. Have i ironed his top for tomorrow's show? Did i wash his socks? Is his jeans still wearable. I think i should start going through his pockets for rubbish as he always chuck stuff in it and don't take out. I sound like a casalinga.. lol... well these are things one should share doing. Can't be only him doing it. Oh no i haven't wrap his Christmas present...But as usual I'm glad I'm around to make sure nothing tragic happens. Hahah.... it sounded like I'm more than a friend. but well, these are the things i enjoy doing. it's the sweetest stuff and when you see him smiles you'll know it's worth it...........

Walking on thin line...

I..... actually i really want to talk about some stuff but i just read about Jay Brannan on facebook and I've also read his blog. Since the day he started his blog till today he seems to be repeatedly mentioning that he is lonely. I'm really disturbed by that. It's really weird... how i felt now. I actually felt sad and heartache that he kept feeling so and i do felt so because i know how it feels. You could be all party animal and all but it still doesn't mean that you are not lonely. It's just a very ironic thing. Hmmm... Jay is a guy that i really look up to. Someone who how i would portray my guy to be. Jay do have some attitude. The guys i like always have some funny air.. I love how his lips curved. It's even more sexier when he smiles. I love it when he talks like a baby and when he speaks with his laughs... the way his voice giggles. It's really charming. I always smile silly when i hear him talks like that. When he does that his eyes too would close smaller, making him looking all too adorable. lol.... it's so crazy how one could love someone so much, whats worst.... never met before. It's also so weird that i see him like he is my desired guy when i know so well he is out of my league. I wish him well and i would be always watching from far here.

jay brannan

Okay! in this he's cute. Very clean line.

I did it anyway

Ready to fight

Was about to do it...... Got stopped by everyone but one. I was about to hand in my resignation letter. Then this say no and that say no but i guess once in a while they met you and they think they know you? Whats best for you? Maybe they are but what i've wanted? What about what i've wanted? Well, i did it anyway. I interviewed and told my manager i'm leaving. Why am i not feeling the best? But i do feel a whole lot better. Now i have a choice to transfer or just quit. Then the company i'm trying to get into are actually my ex  company. Then i got  ppl telling me that what am i thinking?? My ex-colleagues are trying to leave and i am trying to get in?? Well, i guess it matters of what i think and what i planned. I am going ahead with that. Lets just see if my plans worked. Jay Brannan some how appear as a life saver. I know he wouldn't like it if he's reading this. Well, Jay too bad youre my inspiration for standing up and going independant. I read Jay's blogs from 2007 till recent in two days. Such a journey. It's wierd when you actually can see how ppl's life change in two days that actually equals two years....almost 3 years. I am gonna be as good as i could and be prepared to fight till the end. My life of loneliness and possible great possibilities are gonna be greatt!!

I can't stop.

This he is so cute as ever....

Jay Brannan

This i will remember always.

It's him again

Here's one with his laugh. Omy god!!! Why am i so obsessed with his laugh??? It's really nice. I guess as one like me who can't HAVE but always imagine and making dreams, eventually would have an imaginery boyfriend. This is exactly how i imagined my boyfriend to lough. Dreamer!!!

Jay's Brannan's HOUSEWIFE

Really. Really check out his smiles and smirk... wait till you hear him laugh.!!

Jay Brannan

Downloaded a movie and then to found out that the cutest treasure is not the main actors. This guy, later i found out that he's Jay Brannan. In the movie i watched nothing else but him. His smiles that kills and that smirk that he has. Arrghh...... the way his lips purge and it's just the sexiest lips of all. His smiles.... makes me go nuts. I later realise my self smiling looking at his pictures(movie stills) He even has the kind of laugh that i'll go gaga over. It sounded so cute annd calming. You know laughs that tickles you? He even sings. Very talented. I'm sorry i just found him. never thought one could actually leave such an impression after just a while of Jay Brannan's exposure... :) THEN i found out more about him.

I Dared Myself

I'm making a leap in my life. I'm trying to be comfortable while i was living. So i decided to make decisions. I went for an interview. Planned to resign from my current job who is ruled by a very fierce bitch but also very irritatingly good hearted as well. I guess for my own good and to avoid having further damage i am taking my leave. I do somehow wish her the best and i pray that she'll get a slap from all her doings and after that whole heartedly from the toes of my heart i wish her all the well.

After Party

It turn out wierd. Was told that i'm going to a rich guy's home but he turn out to be a junkie rich boy. Dirty place. Dark and felt sweaty. All his friens college mate there takes weed and smokes non stop, drink non stop too. Everyone is already high when we got there. Some cute ones are already too drunk to even walk properly. Except the guy i'm suppose to meet is still sane. He doesn't drink, don't take weed, he only smokes. So we met. Young fresh guy. Still a child in many ways but his Tarrot reading were freakingly accurate. So we chatted and chatted and had not a bad time there. We ende up chatting in the bathroom. Cause it was too smoky out there. While walking in i saw some lads already crashed and sleeping and of course i scanned. LoL.... one of the guy his zipper is open. How hot is that!! All the beers are actually stored in the bathroom bathtub. With ice and everything. So actually the bathroom is also quite a busy place. Only not smoky. These guys even just go in and peed in front of us. I think i can't keep my mouth close. Too bad the urinal is in front of us and thier buts are facing us when they pee. Can't see anything just imaginations. That's torture allright!! Ater several hours we went out again into the living room. So i sat on the couch and this bloody cute guy just throw himself on the couch and with his head on the other end and where i sit is actually where his groin is!!! Get some opportunity to grab a well full package but can't do anything much cause so many ppl there and that guy i was introduced to also were around. Well, we continue drinking and all and they started this "liquor SHOTS" game. It get even crazier! Then there is this African guy suddenly ask me straight out in the cold that am i a gay? So i just answered yes. Then he says he has no problem with it and all. Everyone has rights and it goes on for like half an hour then suddenly he wokes up and screamed. He screamed "all gays should be put into a gas chamber and kill them all!!! like Hitler"" Then i was like all shocked and even everyone around are showing the same reaction as me. After the all okay talk and he says stuff like that? See what "high" ppl do!! Then after a while when everyone is back at what they do he came to me and ask me for a blowjob. My eyes nearly popped out!! Like i would give him one!! I want to just slice his dick off. I rejected and lucky his friend wanted to leave and he can't bug me anymore. Later i went in to get more beers and i see one of the guy who is sleeping actually spreaded his leg even wider than before. Such a wonderfull sight of an unskinned banana. This night turned out to be a brilliant night. DIRTY in so many ways and even more dirtier when the sex vibe is so strong lingering around., and i get to know a nice guy!!

Aiks!**

Ha Ha....... Okay Okay i know the picture doesn"t potray what i say isn't it? Guess deep down i wished for the best too. Fingers crossed!! lol.... ;o

Party

Well, tomorrow my friend is gonna bring me to a party of her friend's. She's gonna introduce me to one of this single gay guy who is actually kinda on the look  for a mate. Hmmm...... sounds wierd and corny. Well, got invited so many times from her and now i kinda feel bad rejecting. I guess knowing a new friend means no harm isn't it?

Lucky but it stops there.

Got hungry. Took a detour and went to a Mc Donalds quite far from my home. Saw this guy there, cute in his suit. Very slick and gentleman all painted all over him. Grr... such guys is always out of my league. So grab my food and suddenly he stands beside me. He stands beside me when i was peeing in the toilet. I felt the shrugs and the nervous vibration took over me. He's so tall. He's got hairs that i want to smell and bite his clean neck. after peeing when he flush the urinals i took a quick peek. It was beautiful. A sight that i won't forget for some time. Then he didn't move as i was expecting. He stayed and actually was peeking at me. I got another cold vibration and got me really hott!! Then i realises his penis is like double of my size. Cut and heavily veined. He got me real hard. I want to touch it. I want to really savour it. Then i realise he is even more nervours than me. He is kinda shaking and breathing hard. Suddenly another guy came and stand beside him. That guy is more daring he actually stick his head out and look for his dick. Didn't know that toilet is actually a cruising place. That guy ends it all. We kept and moved away. When we walked out the door we actually went separate ways. I pray we'll walk the same direction. Then i got this urge to actually go talk to him. So i did. He was damm nervous still. Cute responds when he reacted to my approach. We took a smoke and chat for a while. Then i found out he's a bottom. Not so great for me as i'm more to a versatile top top but i really prefer not to anal at all. Then we have this conversation about his huge member, and mine is kinda small compared ti his and all. He did interrupt me and ask me to not speak like that and he likes my penis. "really". We chatted for quite a while and i'm so tempted to invite him to my house. Well, then later we took our leave. Not to my house but back to each other home. We did not have sex. It was a shame and i regret i didn't insist. I regret cause it's a mistake. I should have pursue this. While walking apart, he turn back and called me. Then he says "Hey, don't worry alright? You do have a nice penis." in a stutter way and that makes me felt sweet. Then he smiled. That was the wierdest, shortest and fastest encounter i ever had. Yet it's the most memorable, sweetest and mind blasting event. I then just say "are you sure with a smirk and say thanks" and "drive safely" He turned back and walk away. I regret i didn't get his number. How can i actually meet him again? This is really lucky but it does stops there. It'strue when ppl say "fate will only brings you there. the rest is up to you to make it happen" Now i regret even more.........

Stars

Aim for the moon. At least when you missed you'll land among the stars. Something i am beginning to do.

What A Day

What a day. Remember me saying that i should fly, yesterday? Well, i had a dream that i really fly. And in that dream i'm actually helping a girl all the way. Does that means that i will succeed but i actually help kids in future? Well, if so, i will sure damm do it. It's a promise. :) Work was well smooth today. Getting to feel eased today at work. not stressed and not tensed well mild. Hahahaha.... then on my way back got to take a piss and went to the toilet. At the urinals and of course there is other guys. This guy besides me are well clean and well dressed sudddenly showing sign that he's looking. Hmmm...... don't get this often but i got excited when he looks so well groomed. He was looking and i actually got too excited and couldn't get hard. I can see he is. So i dared myself to touch him when there is no one around. What a stiff... i can feel it throbbing. He is damm horny but it's dry. i couldn't move much (my hands) there is so much frictions. So i spit on my finger tip and start to circle my finger under his swallen head. Immediately i see pre cum flowing out. It's so much that i could lubricate his whole dick. It looks so juicy and shiny(hehhehe) with his boyish surfer look and his perfume i would like to gag him down and already mentally rappped him. When i wrap my hands around his swallen head and squeeze a little he couldn't stand it.  He actaully grapped my arm so hard and he came. It's was like he is peeing. It really is a lot. The intensity that he roarred out. I guessed he must be well lonely for some time and he got that the animal instinct thingy goin on.... I almost unload in my pants just looking at him. It was a shame that he came so fast. Hmm.... it turn out leaving more memories than the long winding sex before. What a power.

Some Thinking

Was back at my home town two days ago. Got me thinking, that should i be moving back to a slower paste place and then grow there? It got me all fired up. My head spinning with ideas. thinking of what i should do and bussiness plan. It fired me up and now i have to face back to reality. Have to go back to work and it got me all back to zero. I have to fly. Dare to face my pain. Cause pains only makes us grow.....