1 one

One more day. I must say my sight are getting way better. One more day and I'll know my result. Fingers crossed. I am afraid of what turns out. I really hope the best. I made a promise. I will keep my promise.

How?

How my reaction would actually be? Will i cry? Will i just keep quiet? Will i be okay? I'm really afraid of my medical results. I miss Aba at these times. If only i could text him now. I really feel sad that i lost Aba's number. Aba, if you ever read this, i really missed you and i really hope you'll contact me again. Seriously.
I have been happy this few days. despite the shocking news. I somehow made my decision to be happy and i actually have this urge to help the helpless. Not physically of course. I would want to earn as much as i could and figure out a way to help all helpless eternally. Hmmm.....

A Joke

With everything that has happen i finally felt at ease. I think i'm ready to fight and survive this world. My request for working in another brand has approved and well it's a better environment. I'm happy things are getting better now. Finally. The other day my eyes got a bit blurry. I can't see well. I went for a medical check up. My eyes are swollen from inside. The doctor direct me to take a blood test. The test is for HIV and STD disease. Hahhahha....... After all that moment of mental pain and i finally gets better. Just when i got a better path i am being tested for HIV and STD. What a joke.  WHAT A JOKE.!!! Picking up my results on Tuesday.

Odds

I was in a stress state for some time. I can't even have a hard on when i want to masturbate. Aiks!! Somehow today is a very sexy day. When i was in the train to work today. Every btouch by a guy is very sexy somehow. it felt very sensual. This guy standing behind me kept on accidentally touched me whenever the train moved. I just can't help it but it really felt like he is reaching to me from my back. Kissing my shoulders and slowly licking the back of my neck. Arrgghhh.... It's just too hot. What an imagination.  Can't imagine if i'm really having sex at that time. Hahhaha......

In The Mids

In the mids of all these chaos i have something else going on without me noticing it much. Just like the matter it self, i'm not really noticing it much. There is this guy. Totally my type. Yes i'm happy and all. He even shows interest in me. It's like OMG!! Something kept me from crossing the line and i'm actually backing out. Why? With all the sweet and interest he shows to me but with a snap, it will all gone and transported to his ex. If his ex calls or needed him. Well i understands he still loves his ex and can't let go. (he just broke up like 4 months ago) It's a 3 year relationship. His ex is the one who wants to break up with him. His ex is the one who still contacts him. His ex buys him gifts now. His ex bought a cat for him. His cat's name is the name of the brand his ex is working in. His ex celebrates his birthday for him. His ex drives him to work and back from work. Well, i know he doesn't like the idea of this cause he is trying to get away from his ex. Because he knows it's not healthy. Some how i don't feel right. His ex is driving me away. Not that his ex knows that i'm into him, or he's contacting me. Well, it all actually somehow making me loose interest in him. He recently contacted me again after me backing out for a month. I think i actually lost at least 40% of my interest in him. Well, i know.... i know.... why bother? The reason? It's because i'm 28 going on 29 this year. My longest relationship is 1 month and never had anyone really shows that much interest in me like him. Someone who likes me doesn't just come by for me. It's a rare and a blue lobster for me. Even now me typing this i don't really feel a thing. It's just plain. I just feel like talking bout it. .

Something fresh

Yes, my depression will go till time heals me. Well, there are some fresh events that happens. Very thankful. Things at work are getting plain. No more sad or bad. That's because the demon woman is in a very good mood. Josh Blaylock  actually replied my message in Facebook!!!! That was awsome.. Can't wait to check out his fan site. Hehehehe...... Oh at work today... An English couple came in. Pretty girlfriend and not so good looking boyfriend, but fine looking. He has a slight tummy showing when he sits. He is tall and have long legs. Golden brown tan and when he sits he sits lazily. You know with his legs spread wide open and his t-shirt lifted up showing a bit of his tummy with a trail of hair from his belly button till....(you know where) So hence he looks (this is weird) somehow kinda slutty-ish sexy. As usual the GF would want to try on shoes and bags and he lazily gives comment. Oh i left out a little detail. HE IS WEARING A SHORTS!!!!! Like i mention he sits with his legs spread wide open. I cannot help it but to see... (yah.. well peek!!) He kept on moving and his shorts kinda have the hard kind of fabric. So when he spread his legs his shorts stay open. I really can't help it but to again peek and again peek. I was so nervous and excited but at the same time has to pay attention to his GF cause i still  have to do my job!!! (phoo... hoo..multi tasking!!)  Then i had a chance to move infront of him and kneel down to help his GF to tighten the shoe she's trying on. I do not need to lift up my head but just roll my eyes up and i can see right into his shorts. It was wonderfull!A well healthy package there. Whats worst is that you know where these sport shorts that has a thin layer of cloth inside that acts as an underwear inside? It's exactly that kind of shorts and hes NOT wearing underwear!!!! I almost faint and can't breath. I think i saw the outline of his head!!!!!! Breathless!!! It happen very fast. So then i have to stand up again and praying hard that i could kneel down again. While i was standing i do move to a position where i could still continue to peek, but have to be not obvious at the same time. Suddenly he adjusted his sitting position, he moved lower down almost like laying down on the couch!! That means his opening between his legs are even bigger now. OMG!!! Me of course trying my 007 moves to try to peek. I get to see this time even when i'm standing. Then he caught me seeing. I met his eyes when he caught me looking. I froze and i don't know what to do!!! At that moment i felt like i was being zap by ice man!! I don't know what to do at all and i can't look away, but then suddenly he smiled!! AGAIN OMG!!!! I think i instantly mentally knelt in front of him and virtually sucking him!.. Breathless and shocking but sensual in a way...  I got an instant hard on and with my pants that (will) show my wand, i have to keep my hands in front of me the whole time. Well then later i did peek again and he actually let me see. He didn't move a bit when he saw me doing it again. Just when the fun is about to begin, his GF ask to leave. :(  It ends as fast as it happens!! :( I'm glad it happen though. At least some spice. LOL... Hmmm... i wonder i'll see him walking alone tomorrow?

Need

I just need someone to look into my eyes and assure me that everything will be okay. And it's okay to feel like that now.

I can't Wait

I can't wait what's lying in front of me. I can't wait what will happen next. I can't wait to have the next blowjob. I can't wait how is my new job gonna be like. I can't wait to leave my work place now. As much as i love my job now but the Demon is in the way. I can't wait to be far away from the Demon. I can't wait to see that bitch fall. I can't wait to see the Demon fall.  I can't wait to see if my business will bloom.I can't wait to earn my first million. I can't wait to see the next cute guy. I can't wait to have my next sex. I can't wait to lay my head beside a strong body. I can't wait to see who is my boyfriend. I can't wait to kiss him and hold him tight. I can't wait. I can't wait. I'm really tired. So tired.....

Shock

It's so weird. How things always turn up and all. In 2007 i've actually accidentally found this guy on the internet facebook and i got Ga Ga over him. Never get a chance to be his friend or even chat. I just got so amazed with his looks that actually makes me felt calm and wanna smile all the time and this guy is just pure photogenic. I then saved his pictures and actually had his picture in my hand phone wallpaper for a while.Today while watching American Idol season 9. I got shock suddenly this fermilliar looking guy walk out and audition. It was him. I have to on my laptop and check over and over again. It was so surreal I'm in Malaysia and he's at Boston. Seeing him on TV was real weird. He turns out to be a real nice and POLITE guy. I'm drooling already. It was so cute. Bad Simon says that he's forgettable. I think his eyes are unforgettable. Hmmm.... such a dream guy. I pray all the best to him in the competition.  .

Big Bang

Just attended my company's annual dinner. Me, the once ever famous popular "one" has turn out to be almost alone. Other than my colleague the others are strangers that's like 4 over 500 people. This is what i get for leaving the world alone and concentrate on my life for just half a year. Can't blame them as i my self did not show the world that I'm struggling inside. I hope the world doesn't have many vessels like me. Most of them that i've known looked right through me. It just felt like "hi-bye" friends. don't matter the rest but the one i once close to doesn't really go crazy with me. As in enjoy the party with me. I'm like a pest who suddenly got diagnosed with some psycho disease or maybe i have boils all around me. People just don't really talk to me anymore.
I know you must be asking what did i do. BRIEFLY: I bought a house. Miscalculated and get myself in a deep dept. So i stopped being a party animal. I stop hanging out with friends i even stopped eating lunch. I have control my financial output. So i focused on my job. But the world has to have a bad economy year. Hence i earn lesser commission. Financially got tighter. I can't go out for just a stroll at the mall, cause transport needs money. I can't even buy my parents a holiday or presents. I'm stressed. Don't talk much. It affected my work. Screwed up a report. My manager has to be immature.(unbelievable) She single handedly killed my career. My stress got worst.
I l looked into Facebook and see so many pictures uploaded and not more than 5 is me. I don't have pictures even with my befriends. I do feel freaking sad but i also felt like i could just start all over again. Kinda fresh.!!!

...........

I don't know what title should i have for this post.In the end no matter what happens reality still have to be in COUNT. It still matters. Whatever i do i actually have to consider the reality. At the end instead of resigning i ask for a transfer. It should be a good thing for me. So far to the ones i told they are totally happy bout it. I even get the " Oh!! man... it's about time for you to stop being her dog!!  I'm happy for you"' Well, That's a good start. LoL..... I really hope this would turns out well. This is the only solution that when i "place it" it fits all the blanks. Thought it's not really what i want but i guess i have to make it work. Fingers crossed!!!

I Resent that.

I just lost my phone. What a great way to start my new year. Haha...... I'm panicking actually. All the contents inside and all the numbers. lot's number's..!!! So I'm handing in my resignation letter tomorrow. Still till now i'm not sure am i going to or am i not. Awh... mannn... this is well murderous!!!

Today

Today, it's only the third day, and i already felt like shit. Ther only time i felt better is when i looked into the mirror and i thought i looked good (vain*) lol.. Well actually that works. I smiled the whole day after that. ;p

Have to Come Up with one

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Well, don't want to read back one day and regret i didn't write anything bout my new year celebration. I've got 3 text wishes on my phone and none from my best friends. How sad is that. I guess if anyone follows my blog and probably they would think i'm a real friends repeller. But i'm not. I'm dying to have plenty of friends. It's just the situation doesn't allow me to. Financially is stopping me and i grief over it. Go out + friends = using money. Hope that explains it. Oh... back to my new year. Eight of us ended up sitting in a lounge in a hotel. Actually i kinda enjoyed it. It was all glass wall and it's in the middle of the busiest town (where the celebration happens) so i can see flocks of people trying to get to where they want, rushing and all. So me in the ever peaceful lounge felt all peaceful and kinda fun actually. Till 11.45pm we paid and just walk outside and we can see the brilliant fireworks from KLCC. Initially we planned to go to this new gay disco but two of them say they don't feel like it. How bloody selfish is that? Anyway 15 minutes of head tilting we proceed to food. Then went home. 1 bottle of Heineken + plenty of DIM SUM. I think this is me healthiest new year celebration ever.Happy new year everyone and wish me a lot. Cause i really need many good lucks to start of this year.(fingers crossed) Don't worry people, I am going to put up a fight for my life and for everything that i believes, and i love my penis.