TWENTYONEpointTwentyfifteen

I was hugging him. We were hugging actually. He trembles when i move my palm. He just came. There is a pool of cum on my palm. I uses his cum as a lubricant. I smear it all over his swollen head. Continue to rub his bare head with my hand. It's damm sexy, i cannot comprehend  guys that loves to continue being harass after they cum. I think i throb and came in my pants multiple times while working on him. He hugs me tighter when i move faster. "Please!" "Please!" "Aaahhh i cant take it!!  Please don't stop!!" 

When i move slower i can feel his tensed muscle eased but not entirely free from that electric trail. He breathes hard but calm. His warm breath against my neck makes me wanna kiss him and make him scream at the same time. The surrendered helpless feeling is just evil and seductive. 

I've met and suck this guy a few times before. There is just something sensual about this guy. When i see him or when he saw me in the mall. We'll automatically head straight to the toilet. We will have an intense moment but ironically he never suck me. In fact he never touches my bulge. But i get wet every time. Now !! That's powerful. Hahahah..... 

Im prepping for my boss's wedding in August. Were lazy though. Didn't exercise at all. I gain weight quite fast. Thought of exercising this weekend. I sprained my neck and i can't do it. So i have to exercise my other organ instead. I very much still think of A. He is all i think about when i have free time or when i masturbate. I really wish i could make love to him. I shall look beautiful in August. I shall make him notice me. This is vain and insane. 

  

TWENTYpointTwentyfifteen

Went to Redang and came back. This picture above is the picture of my boss. I like this picture damm much. It's taken at one of the market at Terengganu. 

It was a company trip. The trip there was quite torturous. Rented van broke down 3 hours away from our destination. Have to figure out how to dump this van and rent another. Then we have to charter another speedboat from another destination, just so that we could reach Redang on schedule. By the way if anyone likes adventure. Going to Pulau Redang by speedboat from Merang Jetty is awesome. You wont regret it. But you have to charter a speedboat with Rm500++. There are 10 of us. So the fare is shared by everyone. So it's okay. Here are some pictures. 

Those were the front view of the hotel. Actually this hotel has an icon. It's one of their souvenir shop. I am stupid enough to missed taking a picture standing in front of it!!! It was quite tiring actually. I feel that we are rushing all the time. Rush for meals. Rush for snorkeling. Rush to explore. Hmm... our trip was 3 days 2 night. I think we need more than that. I think we need some quality quiet resting time. I feel that It defeats the purpose of vacation, if we don't get to rest at all. The following pictures are views from the dining area. 

 The rest below would be the snorkelingsss.

The end note of this trip was pleasant actually. It was a 7 hour drive from KL. I got to share a room with my boss and my boss's best bud. They are cool. I actually manage to plan this trip. I don't really believe that i did it but i did. So i felt a tiny wee bit of achievement there. Lolzzz..... 

As for "A". He is doing well at his new office. I'm glad that he is doing fine. I do still thought of him everyday. The intensity has become milder but he is still very much alive in my thoughts. I missed him but at the same time i felt stranded. There is nothing that i can do but to  just let nature takes it's course. 

NINETEENpointTwentyfifteen

How come  i see myself as moderate sometimes? How come sometimes i think I am beautiful? How come sometimes i feel down right ugly. I don't hurt people. I am those kind that i would help you if i can. I will clean the office if you are not free. I will go down to buy you drink if you are not free. Somehow my generosity comes across as "PLEASE BULLY ME" Maybe they think that being funny is a tool to tell people they are comfortable with us. It's annoying me. Sometimes i avoid talking more just to avoid from being harassed. 

My boss kinda is the nicest guy in my office. We always talk like friends, He always starts and end the sentence with my name.  I find that very intriguing. Lolzz... cause it just simply felt that you are being respected.  I am just trying to say that we talk like buddies. Last friday he told me some of his problems and some personal stuff. I just be there and listens. Now i don't know how to react. The last time he was sending me home. So the conversation stopped when i reach home. If it's me, i would like my friend to ask me more when they see me again. But this guys is independent and strong in nature. I am afraid that if i ask? He would find me a nuisance. Bothering him maybe? hmm.... Whatever it is. This guy will always have my greatest respect. He is just top notch. 

About the guy that i allegedly love? I don't dare to contact him. I felt like texting him, but again i scare that he would avoid me. Somehow i have this decision of sending him a bouquet of  sleek champagne roses on his birthday. Which is in October. Not gonna write my name but just gonna sign off as "From A Friend To A Wolf" I wonder if he could guessed it or not. If he does get to guess, and if he ever ask me why flowers? I couldn't think of any other answer but to answer 

"Because everything beautiful must be treated elegantly" 

Of all answer? That's what i could think of. Hahahahaahah... Frankly speaking. I don't know why i somehow think that he seriously would like receiving flowers.  You think straight guys would freak out?? 

EIGHTEENpointTwentyfifteen

So! I am really into reducing flaws on myself this time.  I wonder if i could flip my self over. Weight is a major prob. I just want all of my loose skin to be intact and stop bouncing. I just want to have a firm body instead of a walking jello. I also have to correct my body posture. I hunch. So i have to monitor how i walk and stand and sit. 

I don't know why i have this thing for Slim legs. Really really long slim legs. They looks the best with skinny jeans. I love long slim legs so much that i can cum hands free just by looking at it. Hahahaahah..............  not joking! I'm serious. Hence i too am focusing on slimming my legs. The picture on the left is my leg from an angle that makes my legs looks kinda slim. I wish that i looks like that from the front view.  

I think the mask that i use everyday. Naruko. is working. My sister says that i looks brighter now these. My beard is giving me some problem though. I'm not a very hairy person. But i have these hairs growing out of under my cheek.  Very far apart. So it looks like dirt instead of the sexy beards. PLUS i have many holes on my cheek. It couldn't been worst. I hope La Mer could reduce the holes on my entire face.

I started to follow this exercise by The Lean Machines on you tube. 10 Minutes workout and i have lost one belt size. Been doing it a month already. Looked up their advise on firming up my butt cheeks too. Been doing the squats but don't know if it's working or not. 

I hope with every great things that i get i become more & more  humble. I certainly hope this transformation is not a bitch in the making. Lolzz....

SEVENTEENpointTwentyfifteen

My best friend met a guy. A widower who has two children. My friend is a lady who recently went through a bad time like me. Both of us were dwelling and brewing in a bad potion. For her it's worse when she found out that ppl are talking behind her back. Saying that she gives free sexual favors easily and stuff. Until this guy step in. He is one of the guys in the group of guys that are gossiping about her. Straight guys are bitches trap in a man's body. They just don't know it. Well... I must declare, not all straight guys are, but most of them.

So this guy sort of like rise up as how a gentlemen should be and defended her honor.  Then they hang out more after that. This guy has been total nice and my friend are feeling safe.  All these drama and stuff happens in just two weeks time. This guy is like a Panadol during headache. My friend told me that she is beginning to like this guy.

She says she is afraid she is plunging in a relationship again. You know how you feel when the sex is mutual and passionate & there is this sex that is empty and no connection? She say this is the mutual one. She say it never felt more stabil. She just felt that she is being  a little crazy and stupid for going into a relationship at lightning speed.

Then I asked her. What is more stupid than getting a LA MER just to look better at "HIS" brother's wedding in three months time? Yeah... I told everyone including myself that I didn't miss him. That I'm okay. Then turn around and bought myself a La MER in hope that I will get hope from him by looking better. OMG!!!! This is pathetic beyond words. Not only that. I insist myself to replenish my CK Be just because he happens to like CK Be too. Now everything I buy or do, I would think.. "Which one would he buy?" "What would he do?"  "Which one would I choose for him?" It's like he is my inspiration. 

Actually the stuff that I bought, influenced by "Him" are quite nice and classy. He is actually indirectly improving my lifestyle. This is nuts. How can someone has so much power over me by not initiating anything at all.? It's a good thing though, that I'm improving. It's just that the idea of him being my "inspiration" is not exactly "healthy". 

SIXTEENpointTwentyfifteen

I know it's dreadful that i kept on mentioning this guy. Even now.. i still wanna talk about him. lolzz... a story must have an ending right? I thank him for replying my text. I am grateful actually. If he didn't? I would drag my self around like a fish on dry land. Though he replied me one day after that. I appreciate his reply. It's like "the" text. It's the "closure" text. Thank god he replied.  

He mentioned about the book!!! In his text he mentioned about the book. Actually his text is very courteous. Well it's good enough. Nothing more that i can expect from a guy who is trying to be nice to a gay boy. 

I did text him on Monday night. (yet again) Asking him about his new job. He replied and i end the conversation after the third text. Saying that i have to hit the showers. I am afraid if i text more he would feel that I'm being clingy or something. 

Miraculously, i don't miss him as much as i thought, but i would thought of him whenever i see something nice. Like the other day i went in a vapor store. i wished that he is there at that time. Cause i wished that i could share everything that is nice with him. I secretly wished that i have the money to buy him one at that time, cause i think he really wants one.   

Other than that, i think i am coping okay. Just that i don't really like this new colleague that replace him and i hope that she is not a mean lady. I also felt like I should have the one "let out" session or something. I'm okay but i felt like i wanna let out some cry or something. Just for the sake of letting out. 

The only person that i really felt like telling to is my boss. I don't think that it would be a problem if i do so but every time i see him. My mood changes. I became happier. He tends to make me smile and laugh a lot when i chat with him. Lollzzz..... I attempted a few times actually. Failed. He made me laugh before i could even start my story. ....hmmm..... 

FIFTHTEENpointTwentyfifteen

Yes today is his last day working. I can't say that im not sad. Just not as sad as i anticipated. I thought i will cry. I didn't!!.  "I guess the idea that he is straight and he will never be mine" sunk in.  Anyway i wished him the best and thank him for sending me to work everyday and also sending me home from work everyday. And also thank him for all his patience that he had for me while mentoring me. 

Watch this short film everyday. (Below) Maybe this film too prepared me in some ways. You guys watch just the first film in this Youtube. Ignore the rest. It's damm nice. Hahahah.... Well... i have sworn to myself that anyone that i have loved before actually have my care for the rest of their life. hahahaha yeah... so that means in future if they need any help or anything in anyways that i can provide? I will do it. It also means that they have my care and priority for life. 

https://youtu.be/lfUnGiMgWj4

So what am i going to do now? Well i have been childish. Quite childish. I guess now i have to step up and own my part of work load in the company. I have to make this work. I have to support my boss in so many ways. He must feel safe with me around. 

FOURTEENpointTwentyfifteen

I'm considering to take the "Fat Buster" jab. 500 bucks for 15 jab or something. I think i would be more motivated to maintain a slim figure instead of working for one. Such a dilemma. 

One session of it is never gonna be enough. So have to do a few sessions. Will i go through a few sessions of 15 jabs???  I would. I definitely would if its worth doing. 

Not being worth financially, but is there anyone to appreciate me looking all nice?

You gave me a chauvinist loyal heart. You gave me a great ability to care. You made me big enough to provide  warmth hugs to cold fragile souls. I'm obviously a gay and you made me falls in love to straight guys. Are you confused?? 

I'm almost sure that he didn't unwrapped the book i gave him. This time he is leaving for real. Maybe this is a good thing. Not seeing him would actually make me miss him lesser. In fact that's what i have been feeling everyday. I miss him lesser now these. I dont crave for him as much when i'm at work..  Yippy yay!!!.... BUTttTT Bizarrely every night i dream of him. Ten million flashes of him. Making me masturbate multiple times while sleeping. Drink liters of water and waking up to caressing my sore head against my pillow. 

In all honesty, i ambitiously will myself to protect this guy with all my might, for good or for bad. Unfortunately this is a joke to "all mighty". 

THIRTEENpointTwentyfifteen

I gave him the Book. I casually wrapped it with some wrappers. I don't want it to be too dressy. When i gave it to him, he did guessed that it was a book that i made. After two days he still hasn't open it. How i know? Cause he couldn't answer me when i ask about the details. I hope that i am not over thinking it. What really bothers me is that. When a mere stranger gives you something. You would at least open it and as a courtesy you would at least glance through that thing. What am i? when he doesn't even open it. 

Maybe this is good. Maybe by being cold he is doing me a favor. If he gives me any reactions, it would indirectly gives me hope and i will do more stuff. 

This time he really found a new job. He would be leaving soon. I don't know how should i feel now. I have so many mix feelings that i don't know what should i feel. I felt like expressing all these somewhere. And the only person that i felt like talking this to, the only person that is mature and open enough for me to talk to, is my boss... and he is his brother!!!
Anyway.. i hope when he finally sees it, he would really like it. I don't wish that he would despise it because it was given by a gay guy who loves him. This book is built and constructed for him. This book existed because of his existence. It was meant for him. I hope he likes it. 

TWELVEpointTwentyfifteen

I've finish making the book. What do you guys think about it?

 I'm calling this book "Appreciation" Cause that is what this book is all about. It's to thank him for being my mentor. Well... and also cause i am bloody fond of him. I hope that my work doesn't shows that i have tried to rushed through, throughout the whole construction process. 

I need a little help from you guys. Can you guys distinguish what is that in the picture above? I did ask my sis. She only got it right after twice guessing. Well, not too bad actually. At least the first answer didn't stray too far off. 

When should i pass it to him? Hmm.... I hope he would like it. Did i mention about this third party that might have chemistry with him? Hmmm... This girl also know my feelings for him. Hmm... This just couldn't get anymore messier!! Grr..... 

ELEVENpointTwentyfifteen

Just an update on my book. I cannot finish it on time. Lucky!! Turns out that  i still have time. I manage to magically extend his stay at the office. So that means i have some more time to design the book properly. Well at least get the construction process right. I have been working on it till 3.30 am in the morning since Monday. Yesterday i was quite annoyed that i cannot finish it. Then my mind went empty. I was so agitated that i don't know what to do but fly.  Crying at these time wont help, but that's what i really felt like doing.  

The Cover of the book. With the initial "A"

I think it was Tuesday night. We finish early bout 9 pm ish. When we were about to reach my house. He got into this conversation that lasted for two hours. It was about his darkest (in his term) secret ever. The story consist of a girl + a boy who loved each other but could never ever be together. Boy spoke of how much this girl love him dearly and the sacrifices that this girl would take to be with him. Boy looks sad but not sad enough till he needed a hug.(bummer) So ME this other boy listens and at the same time thinking how lucky and how unfortunate this girl is and how pain am i listening to his love story. I'm glad that he opened up to me though. 

The next day while we were on the way to work, we still kinda continue the conversation Ep2, He showed me pictures and stuff.  I'm glad that he opened up to me despite of his fear towards me. It's quite obvious that he is keeping his distance and he don't even dare to touch or tap me. Well that is not important. What matters the most now is that he acts kinda cold towards me now. Why give me the mild cold shoulder after trusting me? Is he feeling embarrassed that he told me his secret? Is he regretting it? What should i do? Should i revisit the matter after a few days? Cause the problem is happening live. As in it's happening now . This week.  

Don't worry A. I will be by your side. I wont leave you handling this alone. Please ask for my help. 

TENpointTwentyfifteen

Me: Are you afraid of gays?

Him: Yeah.....

We: Silence...........

Him: Why?

Me: Ten seconds silence then "Nothing!"

Him: Ahh....hahahah....... ( we were talking about condoms before that)

Me: Laugh and i change the subject. 

Me: What do you think i should do to the petty cash? (started talking about work stuff)

Him: I think you should not worry so much about it. We should sort out the main accounts first.

Me: I'm gay.

Silence....

Me: I'm sorry i have to tell you this. Please don't worry, i meant you no harm.

Him: Silence and nodded to acknowledge my remarks. 

Between "i'm obsessively in love with you" and "I'm gay" I chose to come out to him. I have to do something drastic or else i cannot stay calm. I will burst!!! I will tear and break into pieces. 

Something changed after i came out to him. I feel that he is more at ease. I don't know what, but i feel that he looks more settled in or something. He still keeps his distance when he talks to me but it's friendlier. 

That was last week. This week might be his last week mentoring me. Friday might be his last day at the office. Meaning it might also be my last day seeing him. Though this week we are scheduled to stay late in the office everyday then he will send me back home every night. Yayy...jolly good but will this benefit me or actually amputate me. 

I was at my hometown. After Friday, after working hours.... i started thinking of him. Liking someone is very pain, but missing someone is even more hurtful. The ever constant searing pain that you can't seem to shake it off. Agitates every point of your nerves making you restless and suddenly he magically became the one and only healer that could stop this menace.. 

I am actually very nervous about the book that i am about to make for him. I can't seem to have a good design. I'm afraid i might have not enough time to do it. I  start work at ten and will work till 12 or 1 am everyday this week with him. That means i only have time after that.  I'm worried i cannot finish it on time. I am freaking out. I feel like crying.