Yup. yup. If you have been reading my blog, you would know i wanted a brother very much. Maybe i don't really want a brother but a MALE example to look at. You know where i could seek for help. Where i could hang out with. Where i know someone who would take care of me. Well i actually had one passed by but only a fraction of time. Anyway i suddenly start talking about this is because i was watching an anime just now. It's a straight anime. well at least that's what i know and i really hope the two guy charactor will get together. Anyway, This guy always ends up in trouble and always his best friend will be around to help him. Or maybe secretly protecting him. Yes it's all so sweet in a gays perspective., but to think of it. In real life we don't really have such thing. I'm not actually crazy for the love or the sex or anything but it's the pore sure and safe feeling that you will have when you are around him. Someone who you could call and actually talk about your probs without embarrassment and someone who you could cry on or someone who would actually know you just want someone to sit beside you and stay quiet if you didn't say anything. Yes moments like that sounds very fiction but it's also these sheer little moments that would heal you entirely. I always have enjoys getting wasted. I would drink and drink and always talks to strangers about whatever. Because i know tomorrow i will never see them again. Sometimes i will cry all by myself if i get drunk and get all sad and stuff. Such a pain to the world!!! But then again, I'm always like that because till today I've never met anyone who i could really cry on. Well this is just some stuff i felt like talking about in here. Maybe i would talk about my wasted days next. hahah.......
Did i mention that i have to take medication fpr the next two years? So my these medication would actually open doors for other sickness. Cancer and stuff. Hmm... never stops isn't it? Anyway i'm irritated by the fact that it gtill might never go okay. And now i cannot really do anything that i really want. I have a thing for delicate stuff. I love to see detailed stuff. Now i can't and i even cannot create one. Like sewing and stuff. I don't know how to feel these. I'm frustrated that it has become like that. I am overwhelmed by it but i don't know how to cry over it. At least there's an outlet. it's rea;;y a pain. Normal humans get sad then cry or grief over it and nest hapter. Beginning to think if i am even human. Maybe i'm not.
My birthday is around the corner and this year is not well. It's plain plain and too plain. Wonders will happen after it thought. I celebrated my birthday every year with noise and party. but this year seems to be missing of everyone and all the noise. That's why i felt silent. I think around my place here are lack of parks or even a lovely quiet place for humans to just gag at nature and the slow moment of the sun light. Well, you know me... i am always naughty. Secretly i would wish to see a real life beautifully structured man standing in front of me. Not nude though. I've never seen a real life man in just his underwear. Imagine that. It's always fully clothes, or fully nude. never in just underwear. So ridiculous. That's the way we always unintentionally skipped the beautiful moments that we actually craved for. Besides that i pray for my eyes to heal miracle and if not at least i could work wonders. What i planned to do next will really be my voice of showing the world. frankly speaking my work very much reflects my moods. Right now i only able to prepare my materials but i could not work on it. it's frustrating but hey it's only up to us work the miracle, right?? wish me luck guys.
Soon.... Just a few days more it's my birthday. I was in the mood to watch something that suits my mood. So i search my hanky panky collections. My collections aren't all porns. It's a mix of everything gay. Somehow i pick this up and just watch it..... hmmm........ you know what? i'm gonna continue later. When i wake up from my slep. Kinda tired. Aiks!!!
Hahaha..... guess what? I can't sleep. So i came back down to continue my thoughts. The movie i pick up to watched is called "Les Chansons D'Amour" You know i never really watch this movie since i bought it sometime ago. I kinda forward to the part that i only wants to watch and i don't understand the language anyway. i never thought at times of need i just pick it up and embrace it. YUP!! embracing it. It's Beautiful. I regret not watching it in a way that i should earlier. I've always wanted to have such intimate moments like these two guys. Slow and steady. How they both actually look at each other and the deep appreciative stares towards each other. With music that hit's every fucking emotions that makes you cry without you knowing it. It's nice when you suddenly found an unknown treasure hiding in your pathetic room.
I had a dream. I got on a bike with this guy. About this guy....I use to have a crush on this guy. He is 4 years younger than me. When you goes out with him you felt like he is the protector. You will feel totally safe whenever he is around. I use to go out party with him, his girlfriend who is Bumble Bee's best friend and i am Bumble Bee's friend. He always never failed taking care of us all. He actually would give all 3 of us the equal amount of attention. Amazing. it's so flattering and perfect only that i couldn't hug him and give him a gratitude kiss. yes of course he knows I'm a gay. Even his girlfriend knows i have a crush on him. Still he never despise me, instead he does things to make sure i never felt that i should keep my distance, Like after taking a group picture he will ask to take a picture with just me, or he would pour wine for me. It's complete gentlemen. Well with these happening you also would actually get it that it was purely respect out of him and not any hanky panky stuff. These is the exact quality of him that drives me complete crazy. Well i am a crazy party slut. But i never forget to make sure he is safe as well. So i will never keep him out of my sight. He got married though. One son now. We didn't keep in touch. SAD. Maybe it's for the best. I always have this ability to end up having sex with straight guys. Anyway back to my dream. As i was on the bike i intentionally place both of my hands near his bulge as i need a grip to sit at the back of the bike. So it's like hugging him from the back but not intimately. When the bike starts moving my hands slides back a little bit more and officially touching his bulge. He took one of my hand straight away. I became scared and nervous, but he didn't let go but instead he place my hand right at his chest and just hold it firmly there. ???? So i kept my other hand right where it was. When the bike moves on bumpy roads, my hand is basically tapping on his bulge. Hmmmm..... mind blasting. While he is still holding my hand on his chest we passed by this building and he mentioned to me that he got married there. We talked about his wife and at the same time i opened me hand to give him a squeeze on his bulge then my alarm rang!!!! I tried to sleep again. Then i realized I'm just faking my sleep and deceiving myself. So i woke up And so did my dick. The whole day i can't void the image of the dream off my head. My semi hard on won't go away and now too I'm throbbing. I masturbated so many times today. The thought of him was so intense that i have to masturbate with Ky and kept on rubbing my head, as my head are the most sensitive part of my dick. I usually don't do that, but today i need maximum intensity to take my mind off him. When i rub my rough fingers along my head with my foreskin pulled back. The sensation was unbearable and my whole body was throbbing. I felt like howling. My eyes are tightly shut and i have to bite my pillow so that i don't howl. Hahahha...... I cummed loads and still my dick is in the semi hard state. I never thought such a simple dream would get me so hypnotized. Still i missed him much. I hope i would see him again one day.
It's a little bit better today. I got up at 10.30am today. So yeah i didn't go jogging again. I must be very tired since i can't wake up. So i got up and clear some dishes and wash some of my clothes. I have this thing when i do my laundry. I will choose what and which colour to wash. When i hang it out to dry i want it to be visually exciting. *Nuts!! Aren't i? Yeah so i washed some of my underwear too. Somehow i got hirny when i hang them outside. again *nuts!! There are some constructions going on nearby. With those guys there and i'm hanging my underwear.... hmmmm it's somehow felt sensual. Hahahah... such a perv. Anyway, it then got all wet again when i didn't realise the rain. So now i have to wash it again so that it doesn't smell. I'm always happy when i see mu laundry. I've got very colourful underwears. :)
My alarm is at 5.30am and i woke up at 2pm. hahha....... such a twat. What a pig. So i failed today. So i actually washed all my dishes and cleaned some place. Let my sister's dog out. I've never mentioned about this dog i think. never likes dog. Well i do but hate their body odor. I tend to hate fishy smell. So I'm very picky when it comes to fish. The dog never seems to be tired at all times. it's so irritating. Even though i play catching with her I'm already tired and she is still standing and kept sticking by my side. That;s a great dog if she doesn't smell like one. Hmmm..... Well at least i tried Do i got this injection on my left hand and i was told not to touch it or apply any cream on it or scratch it. So that they could take the reading after 3 days. Hmmm.... i think i scratched it. Anyway my quest to be healthy is still on. Hpe there is some cute lads at the park when i do my jogging. Then again i wonder is there any human that would wake up 5 in the morning to exercise. lol.....
I didn't know there is a urine test and also so many injections involved. taken all the test and only will know my results on Saturday and my blood test results on Monday. While i took the x-ray i have to strip half naked and i wasn't given any robe to wear on. i was there in a mufti glass lab being watch by everyone who walks by, Didn't wear my belt cause i thought i would have the green robe to wear. So standing there with half of my underwear hanging out and being handled by an Indian lady. Well she's young but look washed off. I felt like being vision raped by everyone. Whats worst was when i came out, there is these three old lady on wheel chairs smirking at me. Ah.... that makes me felt so embarrassed. It's not like I'm sexy. Arrghh.... well the series of test actually are backing up my sister's worries. That is my smoking habit. Well obviously i have to slow down my smoking and eventually stop it. so that's why i planned to go jogging tomorrow morning. Oh... i havent look for my pants and my top yet and my shoes. Well what ever comes after this i think i may not take it but i hope i could keep my healthy habbit. That's the least i could do right?
Okay... tomorrow i'm having my bllod test. My skin test and gonna take x-rays of my lungs. Hmmmm.... I woke up this morning and felt rather bold. Dry. I think if any guy now walks over and offer me a hug and tells me everything is going to be alright. I'll marry him right away. Hahhhaa..... I know.. I know... this shouldn't be going on. Things already happen and i should be accepting it. Millions are worst than me right? That's one part that i hate about my self. I've never let myself completely loose. As much as i want to weep like a baby and just let it out, i always ends up comforting myself to be okay. I guess i should be okay. Hope everything doesn't get's worst. I actually felt hurt. It's actually very pain. Alright, let's pray that everything will be better for me. It has to be okay. I can't affort to hust my siblings and my parents anymore. I need Hope. Some hope.
Okay, I have been out scouting for doctors for my eyes. My family too are always not satisfied with what my current doctor's review. I have been to one doctor in two other hospital. I even went to pray. Chinese always belief there might have something to do with witchcraft or spirits. I let my uncle bringing a Feng Shui master over to clense my home. All these has never stops since January. Little quarreling with my mom cause i refuse to swap or even get so many different opinions from so many other doctors. I believe in my current one. I take extra precautions to care for my eyes . Gone through difficult decissions and misery. now i quit my job solely just to rest and cure my eyes. I stop working just means i stopped my bread and butter. I have no savings. So that means, financially i'm fucked up. oday i was forced to visit a new doctor in the same hospital as my current doctor. So i went. As usual all the question of my medical history and was there at 8.30 in the morning. At 1pm i was refered to another doctor who seems to be specialised in my problems. It's the veins of my freakin' eyes. Then another session f questions and scanning, bright lights in my eyes and billions of eye drops. Then i was being scolded for visiting her after so late. LATE? Yes! my left eye is permanently damage. She will try to safe my right eye. All the treatment that i have been going through all these while is not the correct treatment. It also seems this eye problem has something to do with my gene. I've got fucked up gene that naturally my antibody is hyper sensitive. I am bound to get this somewhere down the road. Anything even as simpla as stress would cause the damage of my eyes. This is actually is a life long thing. Might not be able to heal but could be cintroll. I always try and deliver my best at work. I always have kept myself from getting sick and any slight sign i'll gulp down medicines to prevent it from getting worst, solely because i want to get to work. Imagine. Just because i don't allow myself to get sick, might be one of the cause of the condition of my eyes now. How ironic. This is unbelievabe. So now i could say that we have finally found the right doctor to heal my eyes. This doctor's room is at the same level with my current 4 months doctor. What's worst is that it's only the nest room too. What kind of joke is this? I am worried shit, so much money has been spend on medication. It's all useless?? and the actuall correct help is just next door? This is sick!! It's really a sick joke. I want my visions bavk. The thought of me going blind in the future really freaks me out!! I wanted to gry. but my sis is around i can't do that as i will potray that i lost hope. They have helped me plenty. I want to cry. I want my visions back......
He didn't turn up. apparently both party has no transport. Kinda disappointeded but also kinda felt relief. I really don't know how i would take in such moment. Well he is gonna be around for the next two days.
He came back and wanted to visit my sister and that means he is visiting me as well. When i heard that i got a slight stunt. I'm afraid I'll cry. I have been keeping him out of my mind since. Well sometimes think of him but never contacted him. How? really !! I'm afraid i will cry, and i can't do that in front of my sisters. He only still text my sister. So far i get updates of him when my sister speaks of him. My hair is ugly. I'm in a bad condition. OMG!! Now i have to prepare his birthday present. Arrghh.. this is not good. Secretly excited though. I felt like i should be hiding when he arrives.
Thats what my doctor said. I have to cut down smoking and eventually stop smoking. Well if that's for the best, i have to do it. You know every time when i go visit my doctor i secretly would have a semi hard on. Thats just so pervy of me. It's just the environment and if there is a male nurse walks by my radar will go nuts!!!! Ha Ha.... so inappropriate. Well...... now that i have to rest at home and be good. So i have to figure out more actions in a different way. Sly May be i should order more pizzas or deliveries. At least i have some fresh lads to look at. Oh... i remember, the guy who delivers the gas are super cute.!!! Oh, imagine .... time like this i still think of guys... O I;m soooo bored!!!!