It's Nerve Wrecking

Lol..."maybe". I am Going to KLCC tomorrow to have dinner and watch the fireworks after that. I know 1.5 years is a very long time for the retail world and many could have change. Still i have the freaks to go back there, besides i know some of my friends are still working there. I always tried to avoid going there cause of my physical changes due to my medications. This time i just kinda don't give a shit but as the days are nearer, i grew weaker. Hahhaah....  Not that i hope i don't see my friends again but i hope i am visually pleasant to look at. :) It felt kinda nude...in a way!!! What are you guys doing? Eh? Tom morrow is new year eve right? 

I Need A Stranger.

Hahah... i actually ended up not really relating the content with the title. LOL...... well actually what i meant to say is that, with me getting so angry all the time really makes me really tired. Again i also feel bloody childish about these petty stuff, but if you think about it. Because it's childish, the more an adult shouldn't be practicing it. Well...humans are bloody creative. They can create problems even when they are not doing anything. Well as i am all worked up and tired. I think it was last week. There is this one day i was alone at home. I couldn't sleep at around 3a.m. Bored i decided to walk out to 7E at Taipan. Not the one nearer to me but it's actually the further one. I always wanted to walk. Walk alone. To feel the peace and quiet. That is the perfect time. So i did it. I walk to 7E and bought a pack of ciggy and a can of drink. Then when i walked out of 7E. Spontaneously i sat on the stairs in front of 7E to take a puff. I then kinda went into some deep thoughts without realizing one of their staff is outside cleaning the glass window. Then suddenly i heard, " Can't sleep sir?"  I looked back and smiled. We chatted for around half an hour. Amazingly the conversation covers many areas. Sometimes you would never know what a stranger could do to you. This stranger actually helped to calm me down and a stranger can't really judge you cause they don't know you. They just could judge right or wrong no bias. Besides this stranger didn't even try to solve my probs but just listens. All he does was listen. Then suddenly i realized how much i have longed for such conversations to take place. I wept. I actually wept because i never felt so at ease in a very long time. Of course i didn't cry in front of him la. While i was walking back. 

I Need A Stranger.

I have become very feisty lately. I seem to be angry at many stuff. Many many stuff. It's really not me getting crazy but these are genuine cases to be angry about. My friend would tell me, "well, those are just small cases. Let it go and forget about it" but it's not one big problem but it's a thousand of small little petty problems add together!!!!
I'm not making up my anger nor i am being high maintenance. No doubt the problems are genuine and  everyone is aware of their mistakes. The thing is i get very, very angry over it,  till sometimes my hands shakes when i'm in the anger mode. This is also the weird part,  because i get so angry then everyone automatically makes it like i am being a baby!!!
How would this help to strengthens a family bond? You know you are wrong but because i get angry a lot so you ignore me and leave the problem to be solved by nature? Do you ever think that i will get upset and wonder why are you not listening?  Do you ever think that it will challenges and pushes  people's limits? Am i really not talking sense here? Am i not civilized?  Yeah i know i am always at home. I does the house chores. It doesn't mean "oh that's why" but instead .... you should think that you already above 30's. Leaving a stool right in front of the front door is not the solution. I know at this point my friend would tell me, "Just move the stool and problem solved" But my problem is that if before i get to do it. and so happens my sister wants to walk pass the door. my sisters would actually rather hop across than physically moving it away. It was used by her and not only she doesn't want to returned it back but she just ignore it's presence even it's actually blocking her. Please tell me people. I don't know what to think at this point. 

Greetings

Greetings Everyone. Many stuff has happen these times. Not necessarily bad stuff generally good. Hahhah.... My eyes surgery went well and recovering positively.  I think there is something that my Doc aren't telling me but i think that's the worries that's gonna happen in the future. Been quite less productive lately. I think it's because everything are moving like a snail. So now i am trying to spark a spark in me, so that i will be super productive. I am sorry that i can't post before, and thanks for you guys who concerned. It actually felt super nice and warm. 

First and foremost...."Merry Christmas"

Super Merry Christmas to every soul. 

EYE

Having my surgery tomorrow. Left eye first and the the right eye would be two weeks after. Thought of doing both together but it's not advisable. So i wouldn't know how it would go after surgery. Hope  i could blog straight away or if i didn't then it means i would need to rest. A little scared but i guess it will all go well. 

Phrases That I Love

""Why am i attracted to a person i know isn't good?"
"Because you're hoping you're wrong, and every time she does something that tells you she's no good , you ignore it. And everytime she comes through and surprises you, she wins you over and you loose that argument with yourself that she's not for you"
" I understands feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it actually ache in places that you didn't know you had inside you. It doesn't matter how many new hair cuts you get or gym you join or how many glasses of Chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends you still goes to bed every night  going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy? And sometimes you could even convinced yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door And after all that, however long "all that" maybe you'll go somewhere new. and you'll meet people that make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back and all that fuzzy stuff those years of your life that you wasted that would eventually begin to fade. " "

Got this from the movie "The Holiday" It just rings bells!!! Exquisite.

How many of you have been in this position before?

Something Ridiculous but Matters.

I think i'm a bit sad. Sad because i have been hibernating much at home and didn't go out. So today i went to 7E and saw the Nepal guy that i gaga over. Sameer is his name. I was in a bit shock too. The first time i went in to get ciggy, he wasn't around. Then i had a drink with my friend and my ciggy finish as my friend smokes my ciggy too. So when i went in the second time i was approx 10 feet away and i saw Sameer waved. With my eyes condition, i couldn't see the rest of him even his hands are blurry to me. I totally cannot see his face too. So to prevent him from making more gesture i just said i couldn't see him as i was approaching near him. Then he showed me the worried look, and ask is if  it's because of my surgery. Well he thought i already had my surgery and it didn't work out well. Then i lol and say no. Then i can see that he took a deep breath and stared at me a while. A moment of silence.Well i think he did but not sure cause even standing one feet apart i wouldn't be able to see his eyes. Then i break the silence by asking for ciggy. Then he raised his voice a bit and ask " i thought you just bought a pack just now right?"  "I saw through the CCTV earlier" Again the silent moment, and he didn't take the ciggy. I just smiled and say yeah i was sharing with my friend, that's why it finished so fast. (well actually not finish yet la. Just wanna see him a bit actually) then he sigh... and  reached for the ciggy. After that....well...i actually bought a pack of cookie for him from Ikea last month. I've kept in my bag since, Never had the chance to give him and yeah luckily he is around today. We chat a bit after that and i left. Apparently he is a good cook.
I was totally neutral when i went in. His actions shows that he worries made me felt nice. Warm.. These guys are super innocent. I know he is worried as a friend. I am also well understands that he is straight and hey "don't dream" and don't create impossible possibilities. Well it's really that innocent, that i thought to myself that i really appreciate his worries to me as a friend and it's such a loss that we could never be an item. Felt a bit pain, don't you think? Besides it's been quite long already that a friend shows me such care. So felt a bit touched. ahahahh..... well actually you guys here kinda did showed me more care than the physical friends i have. Well i am thankful to Sameer and love you guys!! 

Hmm......

Hi guys. I have been busy finding myself these days. Lol....Well kind of. Actually i'm just clearing stuff around my home and basically it's history and present stuff. Sometimes it's really difficult to document your past and stuff huh? Well that is a never ending stuff to do, i guess it's universal isn't it? I'm trying to avoid sitting too much in front of my desktop. That's why i find stuff to do.
Does anyone watched this Brazillian Film called "Do Comeco Ao Finn" before? Kinda missed it and watched it again today. It's heartwarming till the extend where you wanna breathe in front of the air condition. Hahah...lol.... It is really a nice movie.
I am having two surgeries again next week. I am suppose to not worry about it but there is some part of me are afraid. Maybe i jinx it mentally. Hmmm....

Jay Brannan

I know he is not super famous but people usually knows good stuff rightt? I still have friends that never heard of him. 

Totally GAGA Over These

Sweet!!! I don't know why...i get attracted to guys that looks like that. It's like they have the elegant masculinity that soothes and doesn't looks like whores. 

And he is 15!!! Totally GAGA over this one.....i think i have to calm down and start meditating already. 

Oh..la.la.Something with his mouth...ssssssss....it's hot!!!

I have to post this up

I must do this. I was going through blogs and i found this blog. Voice it out-The way to confess.                           ( http://misterclueless.blogspot.com/ )  He posted this up and it was magic. Crazy.  I don't think i'll still be standing if it was me. And since when Gary Barlow got so HOTT!!???

I Told Myself

It's more to... i warn myself before. I was about to touch on this topic of straight guys, and i realize this blogger called Klex ( http://parkinreverse.blogspot.com/ ) too had the same problems. Kind of i guess. I specifically warned myself before that i should never ever to fall in love with a straight guy. Or have any heavy or hardcore feeling for them. Well except celebrities. ( I love you Eric Belanger ) Lol...a shout out!! hahaha.....
Okay back to the subject. I have came to learn that Loving a straight guy is a very painful experience. It hurts enormously. You will always be in agony cause you would spend your time thinking what is he thinking. His every moves suddenly becomes a puzzle for you to decode. It will become a full time job, trust me.  Why he looks at me this way? why he gave me the candy and not to the other guy? OMG is he hitting on me?  Oh! is he angry at what i just did? and it never ends. 
The biggest mistakes that i have ever done is to express my feelings to all the straight guys that i have loved before. I didn't even say that i want to be together. It's okay to let them know you are gay but never let them know you are into them, Well, i am not judging all straight guys. In my cases all the straights are still my CLOSE friend until they get the hint that i like them. Well besides they are like the sun. You can admire and need them but you really cannot touch them.
It takes much courage and great strength for one to love a straight guy....
Then again...one will always never listens . Here again i am in love with two straight guys. ish.... maybe one in love and the other just excited. In love maybe not the word ,...it's highly interested or whatever it is. The guessing moments are there. 

Such A Dick.

Probably you are bored of this but my friend is such a dick. Really a dick!! Super Duper dick and i think he also has a permanent stick stuck up in his ass hole. Such an egoistic chauvinist pig!!!! I think i'll start to listen to you guys to spend lesser time with him. Seriously...i think before this friendship becomes hate. I shall avoid it. 

Do You?

Do you feel a sudden urge that you have to appreciate everything near you every time you comes back from your hometown? Every time when i feel so i would like to go visit IKEA. I must say IKEA is also my number one choice of place for dating . LOL.... Anyway IKEA always makes me feels calm and weird enough "present" I always would go in deep thoughts when ever i'm in that place. You also would see many real life moments of a beautiful couple. The joyful faces of couples deciding on their first furniture together.A loving parent. A happy kid bouncing on the bed. The expressions of people discovering new SMART furniture. Never much of a sad face. My grandma is 90 and she suddenly got sick and gets weaker. When i visit her the other day she barely could walk. She stutters  while speaking to me. She ask me to make sure to find a good wife and when i looked at her she has tears flowing out of her eyes. My tears couldn't stop flowing after that. We both then continues to chat but both of us are crying at the same time. Arrghh... it's so difficult to type with tears in your eyes isn't it. Anyway i don't have the kind of feeling that she is going soon. I love her lots and i have a feeling she is gonna be better and still be around. Fingers crossed, so far she is getting better and healthier. Love you PO.  

Yeah...it was a long holiday.

Hmm...hey guys. How are the holidays? Mine is as plain as ever. (Ta Dou: yeah..it was a long holiday) Went back to my hometown. Malacca. Were occupied with my parents shopping spree. Getting ready for a trip to China. (Only my parents) So spent my holidays at the malls more than my home. Lol... I noticed that many Malacca guys are much more attractive than KL guys. They seems much more slimmer (the type i go ga ga over) Most of them looks more innocent. Like clean and not polluted. Much fresher. They doesn't seem to have the foxy blood sucker looks compared to much guys here. I guess it's because they are not exposed much to the hard life here in KL. Survival really change ones appearance don't you think? Then i found out my sister is currently doing her practical at this super old hospital in Malacca, and it was where i was born. Hmmm... i find it weird or ironic should be the word? Then i got diarrhea.Cause the "Hamsap" guy like me can never pass on the seafood. In Malacca near my home there are many stalls that sells fresh Mussels. I super love these "seems" dirty but sexy food like oysters, shellfishes. Plus my second sister's Bf gave plenty  of Raya food (not cooked by his mom but bought at Taman Tun) Super oily. The sauce of the Rendang seems like the main dish as the meat is just there to garnish. You think with the Puasa month they will be more honest doing their business. Anyway, that caused me almost a week of bad experience. 

A Good Surprise

I need to go to the bank today at Taipan. So i walked over. I have to go OCBC and Maybank. I was surprised with the service given. They were all friendly. Super helpful. The girl at OCBC are quite pretty too. Makes me wonder am i really gay or not. You know,  it makes me think, am i a gay because it was glamour at that time or am i really a gay for real? Cause the girl really is pretty and has this warm smile. I'm becoming a Lesbian...ahhhah...then i walked to Starbucks and i went gaga over this waiter there. Then at the back of my head...thinking.. no doubt about it. I am very much a gay. ahhaha...yay not a Lesbian after all. Well about this waiter .. he is tall and slim... and he has this very typical mix 70's nerdy look with a great body. Why i went gaga is because when i was about to go outside to find a seat. He went out right before me, then he just leave the door close right in front of me. Well didn't matter at that time but he actually turned back and apologize for leaving the door close. The moment when he turn back was like Hindi film in slow motion. hahahah... It was really gentlemen of him to apologize. Hmmm.. i miss guys like that. Not many people actually practice such courtesy anymore. Unless i'm drop dead gorgeous. Then he went away for his break time. While i was sitting there..as usual smoking and starring at thin air. Then i heard two straight guy's conversation. They were actually discussing about having sex with guys. Both of them have had such experience, as they were telling each other how it happens. Really? it has come to this? A Norm among straight guys? How much has the world evolve already. I feel so back dated now. 

Really...i'm so upset right now. I so need a hug right now. Ridiculous!!

Apparently...

Apparently my friend thinks that i'm a threat. Well, i think so. I'm in fashion line and he is in academic field. Obviously everyone cannot be good at everything, I will be great at fashion and he is great at what he does. My friend always thinks that i'm cooler than him. Not his fault. Naturally fashion is always more popular in an everyday conversations or maybe in ones life. Not necessarily important though. He always try to out smart me. I'm so tired. It gets even worst till now. Even  who knows that particular guy first, also became an issue. Everything i say always seem wrong for him. He always has the opposite profound idea to present. Overly elaborating something just to survive his little point of pointless view. Or maybe he is always such a looser at work till he has take me as a tool to release his anger or he is just an egoistic pig. Why such guy would even have a friend like me to take pity on him and understands why he is doing so? I feel like.... I'm so tired. 

How I Wish.

How i wish when i post this up and the guy i wish to know would see this. I just saw this guy at a pet shop in USJ9. He came out of the shop with his little brother. Oh wait....or is that his son? Nevertheless he looks bloody uber sexy. Then he has this stare that i once seen. It was those kind of empty but evil stare. I thinks he drives a grey  Suzuki. Anyway i was totally flattered with the way he treats his brother.  It feels like you get comfort out of evil. Heart warming. Kinda reminds me of one of my past. Very interesting.

Nicholas Downs

Ever heard of this guy? Hmm...... He acted in this movie called "Is It Just Me" TLA release. As usual quite corny but very realistic. Notice his face expression. Quite nice. Very adorable. Pleasantly sexy. I think if he ask me "How are you?" I will answer "I DO" straight away. Lol..... I always feels exactly like his character in the movie. Insecurity...and stuff. Actually i still do now. 

I... ik...i...i.....ik....

What did i just did??? My friend that i have been blogging about. We knew each other for nearly ten years.We always chat like girlfriends. Yeah we had sex once or twice. That was years ago. We explore the porns together. We talk almost about everything. He even could undress around me or even wears only his underwear when we hangs out together in his room. He shows me his nude pictures too.

Then just now we went out for dinner. When we we are in his car i saw his bulge. (Not intentionally) not huge but he was wearing his work pants so it was kinda showing. Out of a sudden i thought, how would it feels like if i grab it. Boldly i did. He reacted like i was gonna rape him. I was super shock with his big reaction.I really thought he wouldn't mind. I for sure wouldn't, don't think i'll have a hard on too if he does. Leave that aside i seriously thinks that he wouldn't mind since he was so open all these while.Then came the awkward moment. It was seriously an honest mistake, Now i feel damm ugly. Ishh....

I then text to him apologizing and explain. He replied. "You quit smoking i will let you touch"  now i feel stupid for explaining. Did i use language from Mars? 

How?

How do we actually get out of the usual circle? The kind of guys i'm looking for are never in my circle of life. Among my friends, i can't see a guy that i like and i always think it's my own problem and starts altering my expectations. My friends. The ones that i know are always very complicated. Super messy life. Not even one that has a more controlled life. DRAMA. I don't need all that. I just want someone who lives life peacefully. 

Really????

He wants to watch Alien vs Cowboy. He parked at some housing area opposite Sunway Pyramid. (Doesn't want to pay parking fee). Dark, without streetlight he walked in front of me without guiding me. Not trying to be a baby, but with my eyes condition i cannot see anything on the road. It's really dangerous for me. (some more he say i'm insensitive for saying he is not gentlemen) We walked up the overhead bridge, to cross the highway. Then went up three floors to the cinema. Then he refused to watch the movie because it's priced at RM14. After nearly a KM walk he decided not to watch because it's expensive?? I am totally speechless. I instantly smirked and gave the cashier a "Please ask the cowboy to save me look" He just smiled nervously. Cute. Then i say i felt like going to "Kim Gary" It's been a while since i have been there. Besides i have a friend who is working there.  He wanted  to eat at "Ming Tien" this Chinese stall court nearby. So i just suggested, why not we just walk pass that restaurant and see if there are seats available. If not then we just head to the other place. He answered okay then he went and choose a route that didn't pass by the restaurant then when we reached his wanted destination he turn and  say " oh? we didn't pass by  Kim Gary wor?" I have no other reaction but to smile and say it's fine. In fact i am actually really smiling and felt funny cause He and I knows the route at Sunway Pyramid like eating peanuts. Me not coming out for a year doesn't mean i forget everything. So i'm thinking no big deal, finish eating we could just have a drink at Kim Gary. Then that's what he suggested too. After eating we actually walked pass Kim Gary. I walked towards the entrance and then he pulled  my hand and say we are not going in. I have a show to catch on tv. After that around 2 am we went out for drinks near my place. He ate and drink. Me just drink. The bill was Rm12. I intended to treat my friend because after all he took me out  today.  When i found my wallet i ask again how much was it? My friend answered.."Oh you just pay Rm10 can already"  Again i smiled and speechless!!!                                                                       These are not very pleasant attitude to treat anyone. He is my best friend. It's never about the money. I don't know how to tell him.  He is not a bad person, and he is not a poor guy in fact he is quite rich.  Hard self earn money and not rich by family. Well educated, very presentable. I think he is becoming a very typical successful materialistic self obsessed white collar guy. Total misery. I'm worried actually. 

I want to be happy so bad that i want to cry.

I Went Out.

I went out on Saturday. After one year two months. yesterday was the first time i went to Pavillion and the area around it. Actually visited all the new malls and buildings around it. I must say, with the big changes around Pavillion i felt almost the same. The environment there never really changed. Felt like home.. hahhaha...... makes me missed working times.
My friend who brought me there instead, kinda spoiled my moment there. Will story about it next time.Thank god he is not the only one i'm with. So it turns out nice and kinda fun. Missed missed that area. 

I'm Amazed

           
Love it....I really love it. 

I'm Amazed

        
It doesn't feel dirty at all. Nice...very nice

7-Eleven

Almost everyday i will walk to 7E for cigarettes. As a result of that i get to know all of their staff there. One of them is this good looking lad (hahahah....) from Nepal. So u basically know why i am so enthusiast over him. As usual, in these story, the guy must be straight. And he is. He used to study here, some financial crisis so he has to work as he is stuck in Malaysia. Super polite and friendly. Very slim and the way he wears his pants are alluring. Fucking seductive. Beautiful strong jaw line. He has a healthy kind of thin, but at the same time he looks weak and strenghtless. (Aiks,,,blushing) lol..... It's like he is gonna suffocate while having sex. lol... Anyway he looks a lot like the picture above. Really alike. Ahh...his voice. Superb. Another nice moaning voice.

Anyway, basically I'll always be there whenever he is working. So we chat kinda a lot. Recently i didn't see him so much.Couldn't track down his shift and many other reasons. About a month but last two days i see him again. His first reaction when he saw me was.... he laugh....hahhahaha....(like he is expecting me) (che wah....) and then he say hello. I was surprised a little, then we chat as usual. My sessions with him every time won't be more than five minutes. Cause partly i wouldn't want to scare him off. The moment when a straight friend doesn't want to talk to you is a very ugly moment. Every time i get cigarettes  I'll sure give him about half of my pack, cause i am trying to stop smoking too but obviously failed. Because of that we got friendlier too. Anyway, yesterday i went again to get my cigarettes. It was a very loud greetings from him. Of course I'm happy to see him being so excited. Then later when i am pulling out the cigarettes i kinda take out too much but i gave him anyway. He kinda hesitate but i insist, so he kept it. Then i left and as i am trying to quit smoking so i decided to throw every half stick that i smoke. Consequences? Finish after five hours. So i went and buy again. This time, of course he was shocked to see me cause i only will go there once a day and only for cigarettes. His first question was... Finish already? Hey man... you got to control a bit. His face actually shows worry and a little bit anger. Of course at that time i was like ......fireworks inside and seeing fairies swimming around with stars flashing by. I was bloody happy that he worried. Again i always have this thing that I'll melt if any straight guys cared about me. Then later i actually apologize to him and say I'll try my best to control. Hahhah...What is happening??? So weird!! So Weird!! Just now i went again to 7E. With my friend this time but he wasn't there. As i know he already started work at that time .Kinda disappointed and left. After that i came home and i couldn't sleep. (not because thinking of him) so i decided to go 7E again. Again the happy smile and loud greeting at 5.50am in the morning. I really brace myself just now to talk longer to him, as i know at that time there will be no one around. Hmmmm...too hopeful. there is another guy there. Another staff. Were there to deliver magazines. Obviously i can't stay longer. So i do my usual routine and get ready to pay. Chatting along. He apologizes to me suddenly and say he saw me through the CCTV just now  but he didn't come out as he was busy with paper work. I smiled for that sweet gesture and told him it's okay and he doesn't need to do so anyway. Then after that in a mild complain tone he say he is very sleepy. OMG...that face.

I couldn't take it!!!!! But i smiled broadly and in my brain its already flashing back that frame again and again and again. I too got a bit cheeky and reply him with a pity tone and ask him why is it so? Then he replied again in the same tone, that he doesn't know why he couldn't sleep, hence he felt sleepy now/  Aww....... I looked at him and arrggghhhhh.....do you ever felt the sudden urge to do it? OMG OMG...... I squeezed my fist to calm down and try to make him felt lighter about it By telling him no worries, two more hours he can go home already. So he could rest then. Then he smiled and say he will. then gave me back my change. Aaoooorrrggghhhh.... as you know i have prob with my eyes. So i actually couldn't see if he is starring at me or not... the great gay language. hhhmmmmm......too bad. Then i tell him bye and ask him to rest well later. He responded and i walked out of there. Hmmmm....I always try my best to hold my position when around straight guys. Especially straight guys that i liked. I will avoid the hanky panky and taking advantages and stuff. Cause i think when the straight accept and respect us we should do the same too. BUT WHAT IS THIS?????? He cannot do this to me??? yeah! i know i want it but this is torture. I cannot touch him!!! You don't talk like that to a customer right? I mean a straight Nepal guy. STRAIGHT. You get what i mean? It's always like that... I do respect the straights and i always know my line. Still i tend to attract straights. Not that i am saying it's a bad thing but straights tends to get a bit too comfortable with me some times, without knowing that it's putting me in a difficult position. Well in this case, it's great of course but it's leaving me in the middle of a thin line. Hard-on or Hard-off ? Hmmphh.... Either way i know i cannot take any chances here. I never like it to loose a friend this way.
 I  know this post is long. But i just want to document it down. It's a sweet encounter. 

Dream.

I had this dream last night. A dream that i guess it's what i have no guts to touch before. Well, people do hope for excellence but i think in reality they will always go for compatible.
Anyway i had a dream last night. It's me walking with my sis and her son. My nephew. A teenager.(In reality. my sis is not even married yet. So no child yet)  He kept whining, for something cause his mom sort of like forbid him to do or get. Then out of the blue i told him to go ahead and don't worry about my sis. Instantly he smiled and came to thank me. I say it's alright and i kissed his cheek. It's a weird kiss cause the kiss was the kind of kiss that you sniff before you kiss. Then he gave me a stare. A stick in the brain kind of stare that i cannot forget while he turns away.  Then i walked away with my sis and suddenly i'm transported to another scene. In this scene i was with my best friend. A super young version of my best friend. A very innocent virginated version. So it's obviously not him. So, here i am assisting him to take a bus to meet up with his boyfriend. During the ride, i remembers i am imagining it would be nice if he likes me. I kept talking to him. Then, OCBC Bank called me!! Ish.......

The sweet part about this dreams is that, my nephew looks like Joseph Gordon Levitt. Also a virginated version of him. And the second guy looks like my best friend who now doesn't seems to wants to talk to me. He lives in Singapore now. I think he had turned Gay. Suspicious. (many history) The weird part of this is, this is the second time i have dreamt the exact same dream. And that stare. I'm kinda very emotional attached to this dream. Don't really know why.  Maybe these guys are the ones that i unconsciously hoped for. Well not sexually but it's to have the slow motion kind of moment. to love and love love. lol......

This below is Joseph Gordon Levitt

And i didn't know he sings. Awesome.!!!!!

It pierced right through! Something rhat i have been wanting to say.

" Perhaps, you are pushing yourself to the limit exploring your capability without realizing that at the same time you are testing the other guy's patience by having no intention of provoking him in mind."


                                                     Chen Xing 
                                           chenxing-rainbowjourney.blogspot.com

Hospital

I vomited yesterday because i accidentally swallowed a chewing gum. So the pressure from the process kinda makes my eyes swell a bit. So i was super worried and rushed to the hospital to check it up. Tun Hussien Onn hospital. Kinda a nice place though there are some people that are rude at times but hey, nurses have temper too sometimes. I think they are short of male nurses though. Hahahah..... Anyway was very worried and moody. Couldn't smile a lot while waiting for my turn then suddenly this male doctor called me. Dr.Lim. My favorite doctor. He is not exactly good looking, but somehow I am gaga over him. Someone to fond and savor. I think that he is bloody sexy. Lol.... It's the way that he is built i guess... slim (my fetish) Long fingers that awkwardly moves.Very proper. Kinda nerdy. His luxury skin tone and his voice is ..arrghhhh....temptation!!! I think i mentally sexed him many times already!! So i was shocked and trembling. My heart skips a beat and increasing speed while walking towards him. He greeted me and ask how am i. (we know each other) So we talked like buddies. I told him my worries and he started checking me. When he is touching my face (checking my eyes) i was blushing already. It felt so intense!!!  Hot!! Hott!!  I think i can feel my pre cum started flowing out already. lol..... We were chatting away and after he is done he asked me "Is there anything else" I wanted to prolong my time with him and in that sudden moment i blurted i have questions about sex!! OMG!! i was bloody shocked at that time that i blurted "sex"!!! My face should be red at that time!!! Well, actually it is something i kinda wanna check out all this while but i didn't expect to he is the one. Apparently i was told that with my condition, sex is quite a dangerous thing to do and being a gay, sex is more wonderfully vast. Usually too my sis are together in the room when docs check me. I have not have such opportunity before too. So i immediately super boost my brain to come up with question of that subject. I blurted blowjob. (another embarrassing moment) then followed by "no...... what if i gives....... blow...job? errr.....i was super super blushed!!! I think at that moment!! .... i wished there was fire so i can run out of there. I think he saw my hands trembling and thank god he is cool enough to answer me casually. Pheww..... He uses the term "BJ" and he doesn't seem to be afraid of gays. Me i mean. I can see him slying all the way after that. Then after him i still have to wait outside so that my usual doc could check me once again. When i was in the other room, he came in and still smiling chatted with me a little. So i got quite comfortable and i asked him. "So what will you specialized in?" (he is an assistant, still in training) He answered. " Eyes...this is an eye hospital isn't it?" in a friendly mocking tone. Is that flirting??? Well most probably;y me hoping too much... Over all today because of him, my day started as a scarry day and  it became a sweet sweet day for me!!  Hmmm.... why don't i get guys like that?

I know the picture is a bit obscene but it shows what i want to do to him..*nuts*

Complicated

Everything is so complicated that anything made easy are thought to be fishy. Everything basic are being jinx by perceptions. It's just a simple thing. Take it and return a good deed if you want or not just leave it as it is. Why everything must be complicatefied?? 

Finally.

Finally it's here. I'm in the thirties. Today is my Birthday. Hahah.... Well i'm surprised that my sisters are actually planning a celebration. Not a big one but a family sized one. We have a hard time deciding where to eat. My sis are allergic to seafood. My sis's boyfriend is a Muslim. So it has to be Pork free as well. My other sis thought of a fairly fancy place. My other sis doesn't really wants to go too far. It's Friday. Jam are bound to happen. I'm forced to have a hair cut later. My hair is five months old and has no shape or style. Quite hesitate cause i have put in weight and my face will look super fat. Hmm... but well i already a, happy and there is a guy asking about piano lessons. My days are getting better already. HAHAHA,,,,,,,  

Soon

Soon i will regain my reign and do things that is much more productive than my previous self. I know i cannot just sit and ever at a still mode. The mockeries that i'm getting does not feel nice and unconsciously friends are underestimating me. I will do it and make dreams a reality.Does it Males sense?? LOL.... IT HAS TO BE!!

It's Not Easy.

It's not easy being the only sane one around. Or i am just being self centered? It's not easy to have a highly opinionated friend. Or i'm just not that smart? How would you react if the friend who you always hang out with are constantly debating on whatever you say? It's so severe till i have stop telling him my problems. It's so severe that i only speaks of "rubbish" to him but still he has a point to go against what i said. Is that really necessary? Then again i still hangs out with him, because i believe everyone has their own rights and opinion. Seriously? Everything i said? Hmmm.... it's like he hates me.  But he likes to call me out. I'm a bit speechless. Anyway if these goes on, i may have to tell him it's beginning to bug me. I nearly ended this friendship the other day. I was boiling and nearly burst right there. Luckily i managed to control my self. 

A Summary

Maybe it's not. A summary i mean. I have been exercising. Lost some teeny weeny weight!! Then i got to know from a nutritionist. that when a person loose 0.5 kg to 1 kg per week. Means that person is loosing fats. If that person looses more that 1kg per week, means that person is loosing mostly water. Loosing water means your weight will increase again easily. So maybe i'm in the right track.  :)
But the more i exercise the more i eat. Hmmm... :( That's healthy right? I really can't wait to go really thin!! Saw a guy that is thin, the kind of thin that i'll go gaga over. He really looks so visually beautiful!!  Soon!! Soon!! i will be like him...HAHAHAHHAHAA...
I think i did not write what i initially intended to write. Nuts!! 

Pain

A beautiful movie. Charming actors. Beautiful location and great Color. The idea of this movie is very pain. Actually it's very pain for me to watch. LOL.... it reminds me of this feeling that i hate having. The feeling of Wanting. Desire. Failure. Anger, Suppressed Anger, Sadness. Sacrifice. I think what scares me the most is that i have been in this role.

I Wonder

I wonder will anyone from my place are generous enough to teach me play piano. I'll trade doing their house chores for piano lessons. I am not working so financially i'm retarded. House chores for Piano lessons. Hmmm.. I've always wanted to learn piano so bad. And house chores? I really mean errands, cleaning and stuff. Not sex.

Love IT

I Felt It.

Accidentally watched a series. A Korean series that i believe it is at least a five year old production. I stopped and watched because the male actor in there has a very strong resemblance of this real life guy that i always saw during event parties at my work last time. Bumped into him a few times in the train but never initiates any interactions. He is the kind of guy where looks bloody handsome, have great sense of fashion but fucking humble and shy. He never looks at me. I know he does know my existence. Was talking to his friend once in a party. They were talking to each other, i went over to say hi but wasn't introduced. Really. It's at times like that you would ponder and ask yourself "why" and "what if" :(

Anyway the very and only episode i watched has to be a sad episode. The guy loved another girl and break ups with his current girlfriend. When the current has no choice but to leave him but at the same time she couldn't. It's like dooms  day you know. That particular feeling that suffocates your heart. That pain. I hate that feeling. I know i felt it before somewhere but i couldn't remember when. Is that normal?  LOL...

Bold Move

I had sex with this guy 12 years ago. After that we didn't talk much and eventually we don't talk at all. He then further his studies and me started working and all. Few months back i saw his FaceBook in my friends FaceBook and i check it out. He is living in US now and he is married with two daughter. I had consider very long should i add him or not. Well of course you know many stuff happens in between during those years that's why we started not talking. It's not the sex. Yesterday i requested to add him. Hmmm..... he did approved. So i just text him a "Hello" text. Hmm... hopefully it would be a casual text back. It's a scary moment though...    

Again?

I seem to always rise weakly. Here i start firing my self up and then i don't anymore. Arrgh.... if these goes on i will burn my self down. I don't know what i need to actually fire me up!! This is frustrating and tiring!! I'm seriously whining here. I got it but i am not charged up to do anything... though i did do my everyday routines. At least that. Everything is so dark now. Even when i smoke outside everything is silent. Hmmm...... where are the fresh morning and humble air gone. Anyway met a guy who is too nervous to get hard. Is that an insult or pure innocents? 

I'm Scared

I'm really terrified. I'm calm but really, i'm terrified. 

It's Messy Messy Messy !

Ish!! I'm really speechless. I feel like getting on stage and start singing. Dance Uncontrollably with the mike pole. How do you stop conflicts with less explanation? I'm so tired of explaining. Thank god i don't just randomly attach pictures in my blog. At least i could feel a little bit better looking at my blog. How could something got so complicated and bloody messy when at the end the outcome is just an everyday regular matter? It's like you have to bake a loaf of bread, but you have to plant the plant to produce the flour and build the machines to bake the bread. Right from the scratch.
I think these probs gets even worst when the participants doesn't wants to give in or loose pride. EGO do kills!!!!
In this particular case it's my mom and my sisters. 

,,,,,,,,,,,

I'm speechless over what i want to say. I always have something to say or stuff that i want to blog it up here. When i finally are here i always kinda reserved what i want to say cause at the end, i would think i'm being ridiculous. Is it really true?
I always had this urge to talk to one friend. The one friend who would listens about my matters. No matter happy or sad or dirty or ridiculous or just be there. I was actually telling my friend about this and then as i'm saying it i felt weird. Weird cause i'm telling a friend that nobody listens to what i need to say and "he" is actually listening to me!!  I felt that i'm contrasting myself at that time. So i ended it and change the subject.
Still i don't feel right all this time. I think i understand me now. What i actually meant by what i am saying. I need a friend who would actually let me finish what i have to say. I have tons and millions of problems that i always keep in me and not letting it out. With my friend that i mentioned above always don't listen to me. He listens and gives me his opinions. Sometimes he evens stop me half way and correct me then ask me to continue. That is interrupting. What if i'm crying? Pause?? Sometimes my story would stop at where he interrupts and it would lead to another conversation as i am responding to his opinions. I am still not finish yet??? It's no wonder i never felt satisfied talking to him. Why the fuck do you have so many opinion for?? Not that i forbid but can't you listen to the whole story? Sometimes listening and shut up would help that person more,!! Your silent presence would meant a lot, than giving your bloody opinion!!! I just need to know that you are beside me and i have a shoulder to cry on when needed. Or give your opinions or solutions after you hear the whole damm story!!!
Every time after going out with him i would feel like i have never spoken!! It's no wonder i am always sulking. No wonder i always have the sane stuff to bother even after i chat about it. It's no wonder i would tell him that i needed a friend to tell my problems to.

Do You Know?

Imagine that,...... When two person is in love? It's magical! Automatically  many sacrifice would be made and many things  is bound to happen.
 How many of you actually realize that the sacrifice that you made, benefits both parties or is it damaging both parties? Would you know that you are pampering instead of helping? Do you realize that his request is actually ridiculous?  Do you actually know that you are occupied when you promise him fo buy something?
How much should one give? What is the limit? I think there are no answer to that but i guess it's mutual understanding. Cause as always we would give unconditionally. So sometimes maybe we take too much without knowing it. Anyway, i believe i am like that too. Usually i'n the one who gives a lot.
So when someone comes and tell you, something is wrong.. Don't shut t5hem up. Process their words and think. Maybe sometimes the audience gives the best critique. 

Quest 5

Today i clean part of my room and also do the usual routine of cleaning the house. Then i started to watch a movie. It was super sad. I must say i wasn't in quite a good mind these days. I think i should mentally get a life. Sometimes i'm quite impressed with how our mind work. I can feel excited but at the same time i also could feel sad. It's really a complex mind. Well then after the movie i read my mail and i got a mail from a friend. Such coincidence the song i'm listening to was quite heartwarming. So happen too it was a very touching mail from my friend. I couldn't bare it but get all emo and stuff. What a day. I then get down to watch the TV. I choose animax cause i want to watch something happy but it has to be another sad sad episode. I cried. Hahhaha.... i just couldn't bare it somehow.
When you are at the lowest you always tend to look up don't you think? I did. So the days emo actually got me pumped up somehow. Not much but at least i'm looking for hope.
I just finish one pack of ciggy. I hope i'm strong enough to not walk out to buy a new pack. Fingers cross.

Quest 4

I didn't do much lat few days. I was feeling a bit off and i had to visit the doc for some checkups. Remember about the stuff i applied from my government? So i didn't do much lately but i did clear lots of little little stuff around the house and my garden. Oh!! my fishes nearly died the other day. There is a power failure and it happen twice. The thing is when the power came back it killed my water pump in my fish pond. I didn't know till midnight. When i saw it my heart sank, cause all the fishes are kinda floating, when the water pump is not working, there is no water pumped up to the pot above, hence there will be no water overflowing and drop into the pond and hence when there is no water dropping into the pond so there will no oxygen. I quickly get an old pump hoping it works and it sure did. Very slow but at least it could create oxygen. Then i get a new one the next day. He he....
Anyway back to the little little stuff. It started out in my garden. I don't have a piece of land to work at. So my plants are all in pots. Somehow. after sometime there will be some wild grass or some little unknown plants would grow in the pot. Taking away precious nutrients and water from my plants. Well its not that they are bad in nature . It's just the simple idea of if there is two plant in one pot so they have to share everything. So of course we remove the unknown plant so my plant could get everything. So i was doing it. Some i did it more frequent but some pots are kinda hidden and harder to reach. So it didn't get as much attention. It looks obvious. I can't see my plant. So it hit me that i have to clean my house that way too.
You will be surprise of all the rubbish you can find/ Start with one drawer a day maybe if you are super busy. Your kitchen. Cabinets that you keep your dry food. Your shoe rack. The tv rack. Your car. Your wallet? The bag you use everyday. Even your key bowl. Under the bed or couch.
I smoked lesser now. But i don't think it's an achievement as i crave to smoke as bad. 

Lady GaGa

There is something so awkward about her that makes me fall head over heels for her. Actually I know she gets lots of money out of whatever she does,. But i still wanna thank her for even care to do it. I Love GaGa. 

Quest 3

Today i continue the mess i did yesterday. My eyes are not that clear after all. Today when i see the cabinet i see patches of parts that i didn't paint. Kinda humored myself there. So instead of wrapping things up i have to cover those spots that i missed. Another round of painting. it was kinda more difficult this time cause i'm wearing gloves. Plastic and paint really don't go together.Tends to be very sticky and slow down the process. After that i tried to clean as much and re-attached the little doors handle. Well it turns out very nice and my dining room looks fresher than ever. Well, still have to wait for the paint to really dry up then i can put back all the stuff.
Got a letter today requesting me to do a check up for my eyes. I tried to apply for some funds from the government. Hope it will approve this time round. I feel bad using so much of my sisters money. The medical fee and all.
My fishes are doing well. Didn't do much gardening today. Hmmm... i'm thinking which stuff to do after the painting. So many stuff to clear once you sit back and see. Anyway i'm glad i'm settling stuff, one by one.
Still can't seem to stop smoking. I'm thinking of smoking as i'm typing about smoking here. Aish....
I miss Bumble Bee. I hope he is doing well. Take care of yourself. Really take good care of yourself. 

Quest 2

Hmm... I felt like crying now. Just out of the blue i felt like crying. What is it for? I don't know. Well, yesterday i went for my routine check up. My eyes are doing great. It's healing well. So now instead of every month i only have to visit my doctor every two months. Then again i have two doc that i have to visit.
Anyway because the nurses dilated my eyes so i didn't do anything yesterday. At night i just water my plants and head straight to bed. I have been feeling tired easily lately. I wonder it's lazy or i'm actually tired.
Today, the first thing that pop in my mind when i woke up was the fishes. I have to get fishes for my new pond. So i got ready and walked to the pet store. Wasn/t really the type i wanted, it's a smaller species of what i had in mind. But i get it anyway. Can't wait any longer lol... like a boy i'm excited. Walked home and settle the fishes. Had the right picture i had in mind only smaller. Anyway it's still pretty. After that i spend like hours watching it. Then i got this sudden urge to paint my dining room's cabinet. Search for the old paint in my store room and start painting. Now i know how much trouble i'm gonna get into if i do things without planning. I dripped the paint everywhere. Got some paint on every single thing. I think i'll have a super busy day tomorrow. :( I rushed and finish painting in 5 hours. Then i got paint every part of my body. Thank god i didn't do it naked.  lol.... I tried washing the paint of with this bottle of thinner that i found. Man... that was super painful. I poured it right to my hand and it burns. Even when my hands are under running water i still feel the burn. I then repeatedly wash it off with soap till i felt better. After all that my hands are still not paint free. The thinner diluted the paint and now it's still stuck on my hand. My hands are white now, which is the paint color. Skin is a bit rougher now. still feel a bit burning sensation. I applied toms of lotion , hoping my skin won't peel. After all that, i just walked to my dining room and have a look. Though , news papers are everywhere. dots of paint on the fridge, plates, bottles, my hands burning.  i think i'm glad i did it. Quite tired now. My fingers are shaking while typing.

Hope you all did something satisfying too today? (how come it sounds kinda dirty?) Wish you all have a great day ahead. Cheers.
  

Kinda Started

Today i kinda started my quest that i promised here. My biological clock are kinda messed up. So i stayed up and didn't get much sleep so that i could start my quest. Well nothing much. I tidy up my garden. I put up a new pond and actually are not very satisfied with it. So this morning after watering my plants i cleared my new pond and set it up again. Simple is always the best but it takes some mistakes to achieve it. So i filled it up with water. It's now clean and clear. Wait for two days for the water to set then i can buy some fishes to compliment it. It's actually quite satisfying. Initially i filled it up with mud and sand to plant some greens in my new pond. The fishes would love it but it looks kinda messy. I then remove it and now i plant it in a clay pot and just place it in the middle. Well kinda above middle, center but more to the upper north side. Now it looks neat and clear. I think i should make "stop smoking" as my quest as well. If you have been following my blog, you'll notice i've mentioned this for ages already. I'm worried i can't do iy. Still i don't stop doing it. Grr... Well i just bathe and am waiting for my hair to dry. Just wanna keep ,y blog updated. Badly wanna sleep too. Cheers guys, hope you had a great day. 

So Maybe........

So maybe i want to post everyday for what i did everyday. At least i would feel responsible. Hmm... maybe i should consider this, and this blog shall be my achievements tracker or something. Do i make any sense at all? LOL......there are many stuff that i need to settle everyday. I need to revive my self too. I cannot always stays like that. And yes, i am still thinking of what my friend said  yesterday.  >( Hahahhah..... grrrr.... I am so doing this. 

What a turn off.

I was reading this blog yesterday and the blog's owner was discussing about self motivation. I was able to relate. just simple messages and it's right to the point. Simple and it makes me re-think of many stuff. Then today i found some songs that i love and listening to it kinda freshens me up. You know those feeling when you smile silly while listening to your favorite piece? I thought i finally found it ( i meant that drive) Then now it's all gone. He actually came to my house. The post be,ow. mean the guy. After so many years this is actually the first time he enters my room. HE criticized everything!!!! Not that he has an awesome room. He say my room doesn't looks like me. He is disappointed. I shut up when i enters his  room. His dust collection is overwhelming and his bed's color matched the dust. (Bot washed faded bed spread) I have the courtesy to just shut up and act normal. What kind of people criticize you right at your face?? When i finally just say "hey your room is also nothing better" He answered me by saying that his is rented and i own my house. Try buying a house then. I know it's so childish. Well, when It is something that i put effort in and under unavoidable circumstances hence there are not much luxury. Sorry, guys... i really need to get this out of ny system. Thanks for reading.